Ok so what do you do when your kids turn 18? Do you stop doing everything for them and let them adult on their own. My daughter just turned 18 and some friends who have kids the same age said well they are adults now so they need to stand on their own 2 feet, so what do you do and what don’t you do? Example every year we have a holiday so do I just book without her or say if you want to come pay your own way, or just book as normal and take her? She has never had to pay board and I feel a little uncomfortable taking money from my kid? Do you make them do their own washing?
She did drop out of school year 10 and I told her she has to work which she did get about 15 hours a week and I told her she can buy the things she wants ( phone credit and going out) and I bought essentials. She actually hasn’t work much this year and she knows she has to get full time work because I won’t give her money to sit home all day, so she is looking for full time work, so she can buy a car, she has done her 120 hours so she can get her licence but she needs a car. I was thinking of buying her one but my mum said if you do everything for her she will never understand you have to work hard for things you want. I know I have spoilt her and I need to make her do things because one day she will move out and she has no idea about real life but do you just say well your 18 now and cut them off or do you just go on as normal?
How much should you do for your 18 year olds
How much should you do for your 18 year olds
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
13 Replies
Once they are in teens you increase expectations of independence, by the time they are 18 they are mostly independent and you become an ‘advisor’.
For example, by the time I was in high school I got myself up, ready for school (including lunch) and got myself to school and home again.
Second year of high school I was getting myself to most extra curricular activities, but was picked up. I was also responsible for my own washing, bedroom, cleaning the bathroom (we all had to do one room that wasn’t our own room).
Third year I had to cook a family meal once a week.
By the time I finished high school my parents had definitely moved to mentor, they would offer advice and there were expectations eg if I wanted to live at home still then I needed to pull my weight by pitching in. But if I didn’t wash my clothes, get myself to uni/work, that was on ME.
They definitely weren’t driving me places or doing anything for me other than food shopping and cooking there nights. My mum did drive me to the doctors once when I was proper sick. But I made the appointment and would have gotten myself there if I hadn’t have been proper proper sick.
If they’re in school and studying for their final year, I think it’s fair to still do their washing, cleaning up, paying their way to an extent just to take the pressure off them.
My parents bought us all new cars when we turned 18, purely because they were in a position to do so and we didn’t have to worry about break downs, fixing it and were able to use our money elsewhere. That was something I am still extremely grateful for years later!
However in your daughters instance, I think she can take on more responsibility as she is hardly working. I wouldn’t be cleaning up after her or doing her washing by any means, that’s on her to do. I’d also expect her to chip in around the house and help out. I don’t think you should buy her a car because she hasn’t shown you that she can work hard and actually get her own money towards it :)
It’s time to step things up. Sounds like you are treating her like a much younger child and you’ll need to change things slowly.
Sit down and have a conversation with her about her new responsibilities around the home. Doing her own washing, cooking a meal etc. I’d pay for this holiday, but let her know she is responsible for financing her holidays if she wants to go next time.
You definitely need to start preparing her for the next level. I mean I would probably just pretend to look for a job in her circumstances. She has it so easy at home, why should she want to go to work.
At 18 she should be responsible for her own washing and pitch into house hold chores. If she is working I’d charge her some board maybe 25% of her income. But I’d put it away for her for when she moves out etc.
if you buy her a car I would then make her responsible for keeping it on the road. Ie I might pay for rego + insurance but she would have to buy her own petrol and service/tyres.
I think it is absolutely fine to give our kids a leg up but I also think it’s important to give them some responsibility and ownership.
Considering that she hasn't been in school for more than two years I would have much higher expectations of her than a 18 year old who has just finished school. If my children quit school 'early' they understand that they are expected to work fulltime (unless they are doing a separate qualification) and to pay board. Once school or education is finished they enter the 'real' world as far as I am concerned. So in your case I would be expecting her to get a part time or casual job to start earning some money towards a car while she is looking for fulltime work. I would perhaps meet in the middle on helping to finance a car if you are unable to drive her to interviews or work. She should be doing her own washing and I would be expecting her to cook for the household at least twice a week unless she wishes to pay for and make her own food. She should be cleaning her own room and helping to clean communal areas such as bathroom toilet and kitchen on a regular basis. I think that she has been taking advantage of the situation- I know 16 and 17 years old who pay their own way entirely because they got fulltime jobs the second they finished school or worked their butts off during school holidays to finance university or other education.
By the time my kids are 18 I will have taught them how and subsequently expect them to do their own washing (they all already know how to use washing machine and actually like helping with that chore at the moment), help cook or prepare a basic meal at least once a week, pitch in around the house in terms of whatever needs doing (dishes, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms etc).
The main expectation is they will either be in full time study or full time work. Doing nothing or very little isn't an option in my house!
I think your daughter is quite old enough to be chipping in towards family holidays, even if it's just putting $100 towards airfares and accompanying and bringing her own spending money.
I think a good compromise with a car is matching her dollar for dollar, so for example if she saves up $2000, you match it with $2000. That way she's still had to work hard and learn valuable saving/budgeting lessons but you can rest assured that she won't get stuck with an unsafe lemon.
Turning 18 isn't like flicking a switch and suddenly they know how to adult, it's a transition, one that probably should have started well before now but better late than never!
Ease into it but she needs more responsibility, some higher expectations and some personal accountability. It'll be a bit of a culture shock but she'll be right, remember it will benefit her greatly when you're feeling a bit guilty!!
Yes! My boys are 14 and 12. They choose then cook a meal once a week. They wash up once a week. They do need to be told, but they can independently put a load of washing on, hang it out, bring it in, and fold it (neither will do all of it but will do at least one step in the process when told to). They can vacuum and or mop when asked. While I still do the majority of the chores around the house, I’m not their slave and they can help. The thought of extra pocket money also helps as an incentive.
By her age I was living out of home, had a mortgage, partner and a baby on the way- she’s capable of being a full blown adult it’s just your choice to start expecting more and guiding her towards independence
Is it not okay to just love our kids without always teaching them a lesson ??? 18 I'm pretty sure she is mentally aware of what is expected of her ! My parents never paid for a thing never had the spare cash actually I worked from 14 and handed up cash I never expected anything from my parents and never got anything no matter how bad a situation i was in and I was in some , 23 with 50 dollars left in my bank in Sydney but ya know what I dealt with it ! And now that I have my own kids i will make sure if they are 18 or more I'll be there buying them that car and anything else they need not because I am spoiling them but because i know what it is like to have nothing and i still have good morals and values that is priceless! Up to you what you want to do if she needs a car why should she have to prove herself at 18 she is just that a young adult God this society always bangs on about what we should do teach them a lesson teach them the right way not every kid is selfish and spoilt
When I was 18, I had already been working for 4 years along side my schooling (finished yr 12), I had purchased my own car (with no financial help from my parents), and I was supporting myself for anything that I needed done (washing, cleaning, payments etc). The only time I received financial help from my parents was when my cat was extremely sick and he had chewed through all of my savings, and even then I paid them back.
At 18 she should be capable of caring for herself to the fullest extent. If you continue to support her with ever aspect, she'll never learn anything.
As for the family vacation. I would be saying look, as you're now 18 this will be the last vacation where we pay for your trip. If you would like to continue to come, you will need to save up and pay for yourself.
If she hasn't worked much this year, she is obviously expecting you to support her. Tell her she needs to get a job. I'm not sure where you are, but in Sydney there are PLENTY of entry level positions advertised on seek. I would be helping her put together a good CV and smashing out the applications.
I would also be expecting her to do plenty around the house. If she's not working, not paying board etc I would be expecting that she is cleaning up, doing the washing and cooking. I recently was off work due to a sick family member, and in those few weeks my husband did not lift a finger in cleaning. I figured I'm off, so the house should be 100% so he isn't cleaning (I know different scenarios but still), given that he's been working.
You’re trying to treat this like “Do everything” or “Do nothing” which it’s not.
It needs to be gradual, individual transition.
Buy my kids did start doing their own laundry at 13.
Any job they contributed (very tiny amount) to get them use to the idea, that life is not free.
At 18 they should be keeping own bedroom clean and tidy and that includes laundry, cooking a meal at least once a week for everyone and doing the odd chore.
If they have a job, they can pay nominal board and pay for own phones. Some kids go to uni, some have full time work. So that’s going to dictate amount of board and what they can pay
You’re trying to treat this like “Do everything” or “Do nothing” which it’s not.
It needs to be gradual, individual transition.
Buy my kids did start doing their own laundry at 13.
Any job they contributed (very tiny amount) to get them use to the idea, that life is not free.
At 18 they should be keeping own bedroom clean and tidy and that includes laundry, cooking a meal at least once a week for everyone and doing the odd chore.
If they have a job, they can pay nominal board and pay for own phones. Some kids go to uni, some have full time work. So that’s going to dictate amount of board and what they can pay
Probably going to get shot down here but I came from a low socioeconomic town where teen pregnancy was the norm, so it's culture for me.
My kids (5-11 yrs old) know how to make basic meals and menu plan, wash their own clothes and do basic cleaning (wipe down basins and vacuuming.)
By the time they are 16 they will also be proficient at budgeting, cooking any meal they can on said budget, all cleaning, basic home repairs and maintenance, and know how to give a car a basic service (just oil and filters type service, along with knowing how to change a tyre, check oil, etc.)
They each get a week every month to practice cooking with me and menu plan for the week. They are all expected to help out with the chores around the house and know if we all get in and do it together we get more fun family time. If they leave it all to me, I'll be too tired at the end of the week to do fun stuff with them (I suffer multiple autoimmune disorders that leave me constantly fatigued...)
The goal in our home is to have young adults who can look after themselves by the time they are old enough to move out.
Hubby and I have decided to support the kids for as long as they are studying and help them get on their feet once they start looking for work. But once they have a few pay slips under their belts they will be expected to either move out or pay board that covers their expenses. If it gets to the point of them paying board we have decided to put that money aside for them for when they need a hand to buy their first house or whatever.
So back to your question, I'd pick one thing this month that she needs to learn to be independent and expect her to do/contribute that to the household. Once she's figured that out, continue with another life skill. Pretty soon she'll be confident to stand in her own two feet and maybe spread her wings.