I want to separate from my partner of 15 years, but my fear of missing my children is holding me back.
We would share custody. Four days with me, and three days with him. Our children are under 10.
I suffer from anxiety, and I know this is affecting my decision. I've wanted to end our relationship for years.
He's not an awful person, he's not violent or controlling. He's just not the right person for me.
Our main issue is that he is highly sexual and I am not. In fact, I've questioned whether I'm asexual (or graysexual, perhaps). Whenever he touches me, I cringe from within, and my heart starts to beat quite hard, like my body wants a fight or flight response. I just stiffen up and try not to give him the wrong idea, either way. That's not fair on him. He says he can live with it, but why should he? I don't think he understands what he's promising. Counselling hasn't helped us.
We can't get past it, and i know it should end, but the thought of being without my children for half of the rest of their childhoods makes me feel so sad for them and for me that I've become paralysed from the indecision. I can't move forward, I can't change anything. I'm stuck just existing in this rut.
I've done a pros and cons list. I've considered the impact it will have on our children. I acknowledge that a lot of people are in far worse situations than mine and, comparatively speaking, I have very little to worry about.
How do I get the balls to make the change? How do you deal with missing your children when they're with their other parent?
11 Replies
I cry every time I am apart from my son and it’s been two years- his 7. But the thought of continuing my life the way it was in misery is worse. I also want to be the best person I can be when I have my son - if I stayed I would not be be that person.
I plan things for when I don’t have my son- walks with friends, sorting out photo albums, cleaning the house - anything to keep occupied
It is hard, really hard - my only advice is to be true to you. How many full time parents take that time for granted? Maybe you don’t but I know I did. I guarantee you if you do go down this path every single minute you have with the kids you make count.
If you feel you have tried everything to work through the issues, sought counselling, sat down and talked with your partner and you are still feeling this way then you know what you need to do. If you haven’t done those things it might be worth considering before making the call
Having a plan helps. Thinking about all the things that you can do without the kids. Looking at it as a time for self growth and revitalisation and building a life that’s for you.
Is the only thing your struggling with sexual and you wanting him to not have to deal with that? If that's the case, either stay if he's said he's willing to accept it, or separate and cohabitate. Perhaps see if that is an option he would be open to.
Otherwise, do a standard separation, find a place to live close to each other and plan things to do when you don't have the kids. Unfortunately, you'll have to come to terms that you won't always be around them if you separate. I'm sure your partner would have the same feelings about missing out on half of their childhood too.
Firstly I would be getting checked for a hormone imbalance. I had surgery that put my hormones out of whack and I felt the same way towards my husband. It took a while to pass, but my body worked itself out without needing medication.
He sounds like a good man willing to change his relationship with you to make it work. Good luck.
This could so be me writing this right now! My partner has tabled a open relationship but I honestly don't know if I could handle it. We have been together for 20yrs and I couldn't be less interested in sex. My whole life I have never felt very sexual and I guess I thought it would change as I got older but it hasn't... I feel stuck as I don't want to tear my kids life apart but we can't go on as we are 😢
This could so be me writing this right now! My partner has tabled a open relationship but I honestly don't know if I could handle it. We have been together for 20yrs and I couldn't be less interested in sex. My whole life I have never felt very sexual and I guess I thought it would change as I got older but it hasn't... I feel stuck as I don't want to tear my kids life apart but we can't go on as we are 😢
I have absolutely been in your shoes and only newly separated from my husband. I have mental health issues anxiety and bipolar and he has been as supportive as I imagine anyone could be. We just have drifted apart... 18yrs together and a 6yr old son. It is so hard when our son is with his dad but I’m doing things I’ve never had the chance to do and enjoying the down time when he is away to do things for me. I also have the anxiety and same issues with when my husband used to touch me... I have suffered abuse though. However it never used to be an issue until the last few years of our marriage... no one can tell you what to do. But life is so short. If you’re not happy, your children will know. And they will be so much happier as well when they have a Mum who is the person she needs to be.
On a side note it is hard to make the decision but once you have, everything for me kind of fell into place. I made lists and things to do every day to move towards separating.
Our son is doing great too, just a bit of adjusting to a different kind of life.
Hugs, follow your heart and good luck
I have absolutely been in your shoes and only newly separated from my husband. I have mental health issues anxiety and bipolar and he has been as supportive as I imagine anyone could be. We just have drifted apart... 18yrs together and a 6yr old son. It is so hard when our son is with his dad but I’m doing things I’ve never had the chance to do and enjoying the down time when he is away to do things for me. I also have the anxiety and same issues with when my husband used to touch me... I have suffered abuse though. However it never used to be an issue until the last few years of our marriage... no one can tell you what to do. But life is so short. If you’re not happy, your children will know. And they will be so much happier as well when they have a Mum who is the person she needs to be.
On a side note it is hard to make the decision but once you have, everything for me kind of fell into place. I made lists and things to do every day to move towards separating.
Our son is doing great too, just a bit of adjusting to a different kind of life.
Hugs, follow your heart and good luck
I have absolutely been in your shoes and only newly separated from my husband. I have mental health issues anxiety and bipolar and he has been as supportive as I imagine anyone could be. We just have drifted apart... 18yrs together and a 6yr old son. It is so hard when our son is with his dad but I’m doing things I’ve never had the chance to do and enjoying the down time when he is away to do things for me. I also have the anxiety and same issues with when my husband used to touch me... I have suffered abuse though. However it never used to be an issue until the last few years of our marriage... no one can tell you what to do. But life is so short. If you’re not happy, your children will know. And they will be so much happier as well when they have a Mum who is the person she needs to be.
On a side note it is hard to make the decision but once you have, everything for me kind of fell into place. I made lists and things to do every day to move towards separating.
Our son is doing great too, just a bit of adjusting to a different kind of life.
Hugs, follow your heart and good luck
Consider emdr or other trauma therapy. Consider and exhaust avenues before creating more anxiety for yourself. It sounds like you’ve got a frozen stress response which is keeping you stuck instead of running or fighting. Your reference to getting the balls to make the change is very interesting.
With time you get used to it. It sounds like your partner is a good guy though, as others have suggested maybe some counselling just for you. Maybe some medication for your anxiety, or change of medication. There are lots of people who would love a loving partner, if they are a good one, try everything you can to keep them!