I want to separate from my partner of 15 years, but my fear of missing my children is holding me back.
We would share custody. Four days with me, and three days with him. Our children are under 10.
I suffer from anxiety, and I know this is affecting my decision. I've wanted to end our relationship for years.
He's not an awful person, he's not violent or controlling. He's just not the right person for me.
Our main issue is that he is highly sexual and I am not. In fact, I've questioned whether I'm asexual (or graysexual, perhaps). Whenever he touches me, I cringe from within, and my heart starts to beat quite hard, like my body wants a fight or flight response. I just stiffen up and try not to give him the wrong idea, either way. That's not fair on him. He says he can live with it, but why should he? I don't think he understands what he's promising. Counselling hasn't helped us.
We can't get past it, and i know it should end, but the thought of being without my children for half of the rest of their childhoods makes me feel so sad for them and for me that I've become paralysed from the indecision. I can't move forward, I can't change anything. I'm stuck just existing in this rut.
I've done a pros and cons list. I've considered the impact it will have on our children. I acknowledge that a lot of people are in far worse situations than mine and, comparatively speaking, I have very little to worry about.
How do I get the balls to make the change? How do you deal with missing your children when they're with their other parent?