I'm a terrible person. I feel like I'm keeping my husband in a relationship neither of us are happy in because it's convenient for both of us and our children. He loves and adores me, I'm not sure if I feel the same. It sounds awful, especially after 10 years of marriage and 14 years together. I'm so selfish. I'm a full time student re-training in a different field after child rearing for the past 12 years. If we ended our relationship I would have to give it all up, it's not the type of career that is 9-5 work hours, so child care is not an option. So I stay because having him here allows me to pursue my interests. I'm using him. How can I do this to the father of my children? He bends over backwards to make me happy. I don't do the same for him. What is wrong with me?
12 Replies
Start doing little nice things for him. Sometimes a change of mindset is the difference. Organise a weekend away etc.
If you don’t love him or want to be with him then leave, he deserves to be with somebody that will love and cherish him. And if your only staying because you need him to look after the kids while you study then maybe when you leave the kids should stay with him. That way you can still study and get to your goal. I’m sure he would cope fine
Yes you are being selfish
Yes you are using him
No it’s not nice
Imagine if the roles were reversed
You should either end it so he can find somebody else or go to counseling
Yes, you are doing a terrible thing.
You are using him for your own gain, disregarding his feelings and future. This is not only extremely unfair on him, but also your kids. The relationship is obviously over on your behalf at this stage, do you even want to try to make it work? If not, you need to set him free! You could try co-parenting and living under the same roof until you sort out your circumstances and hopefully that works out for you.
I think it is so important you seek mental help to work on your feelings and find whether you will leave this relationship or put the hard yards in and make it work.
You aren't a terrible person, i actually can appreciate that you feel kind of stuck. It's not that uncommon for women to stay in unhappy relationships because they feel stuck, some feel stuck financially, some feel stuck emotionally, some feel stuck put of fear, some like you feel stuck because single parenting without the support a spouse offers can take away certain opportunities.
Obviously, as others have said, this situation cannot remain as it stands.
Not only is it unfair on your husband and yourself but you're also inadvertently teaching your children that relationships = convenience and personal gain rather than love and respect.
I think you definitely need to talk this through with a professional though.
You are not a terrible person at all, unfortunately marriages break down and often there are still feelings from one side. If you decide to leave you could try to negotiate for him to have the children when you're at work. Otherwise there are options such as Family Day Care or friends or family to help if possible.
It's a good idea to see a Social Worker or Psychologist to work through how you feel and help you to make a decision.
He sounds like a great guy!!! Maybe go to counselling yourself or get a new hobby you can do together. Sad to end a marraige when you have one of the good ones!
You’re not a terrible person, you’re just a user.
What is wrong with you? You’re just selfish, you put your needs ahead of his.
Your own comfort above his comfort.
You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.
Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it.
The problem these days is no one is grateful for anything.
Seems like there is a lot more going on for you.
Do you see a future without him in it?
You are self aware you are taking him for granted- doesn’t mean there isn’t a future.
Might just mean you need to start consciously appreciating him
If you don’t feel like making the effort to do that and see no future then he may deserve someone that appreciates him
Thats a very unfair thing for you to be doing. Does he know the way you feel about him, or are you keeping it all to yourself, without giving him the chance to talk it out with you and work on your relationship?
If I'm being honest, if I were your husband and I found out that you'd kept your feelings about this from me, for pretty much a personal gain I'd be furious.
This man obviously still loves you and is committed, give him a chance to talk to you. Perhaps what you're feeling isn't toward him but a situation. And if you don't want that, separate. He deserves someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with him.
Don’t give up on your marriage. If he’s a good man and loves you then you can love him again! Love has its ups and downs and it takes work to keep it going! Go to a counselor?? I remember a doctor once told me to remember what it was I fell in love with my husband for. What attracted me to him.... it’s still all there! You gotta search for it!! I’d hate for you to leave and then end up regretting it.
One, you can’t keep anyone where they don’t want to be, he chooses to be in this relationship. “Neither are happy... he loves and adores me.. I’m not sure I feel the same..” how long have you felt like this? You’re not sure, if you were you would go and you would find a way to make your goals work. Why are you uncomfortable with receiving love and attention (feel guilty he gives it to you) and also by the sounds of it, giving it? Go to therapy first, try to work through your feelings and see if something has triggered this. I think right now you use him supporting you as your reason to stay (in your mind) when you don’t need a reason to stay. Just be. No rush to make decisions, learn how to live with this discomfort you are facing and how you can overcome it without making final decisions should this pass.