Where do I start.
This is long
I feel a bit sick when I write this. Sick with guilt sick with missing an old lover, sick that he hasn't tried.
4 years ago last week I left my narcissistic ex. I was 13 weeks pregnant with my daughter. When I found out I was pregnant he flat out said what are you going to do you can't keep it and took me for an abortion which obviously i didn't go ahead with it. We then went home and he physically abused me. 7 weeks later I left I remember feeling so traped and scared. I didn't have any family as he had cut them off. I was engaged I did love him despite anything. He was my first love. And boy did I love him! We traveled we together we lived in the states we had such a love story. Well to me we did. The first year that is.
I left with out saying goodbye. I was at a counseling appointment and i never came home. I knew it was my only chance to leave as he was an abusive man. Just like all narcissistic men.
I took out a restraining order as he was stalking me and constantly ringing texting emailing me no joke over 500 times a day asking for me back.
We fought the intervention order for alomst 2 years.
5 months after leaving I went and did a property order. When going to get my things he somehow knew I was having a girl and he had heaps and heaps of stuff for the baby clothes toys a maternity pillow the lot. I didn't want any of it so I left it.
I moved interstate and started over when my daughter was 3 months. I have never heard from him. He wasn't there for the birth and has never even layed eyes on her.
I have moved back home 8 months ago still haven't heard from him
I keep in contact with his other ex feonce and their daughter. I would love for them to meet again (my daughter was a baby when they meet). This other daughter sees her dad every week. If they meet it might be hard on my daughter as this other daughter gets to see her dad as he wants her but doesn't want my daughter.
I asked the other women why he has never made contact and she said he has told every one my daughter isn't his. I don't understand why when he had all that stuff for her and me.
He meet a girl as soon as I was gone and she doesn't know my daughter is his.
I've come to the point after years of councling and talking to friends that I think I want to make contact. Ive been going insane doing it all on my own mentally physically and financially. I have always felt sick that I never got to say goodbye to this man except run. I was 20 and scared its all I could do at the time. But I do miss him shit I might even still love parts of him.
My daughter now being almost 4 asks all the time where her dad is and why she doesn't have one.
I don't have any custody orders in place or anything.
What should I do? I'm at a loss. I'm in all these different head spaces. The jealously of another woman being in her life.
The anger that he doesn't want her. And has never made the effort to meet her.
The worry of having his very highly toxic parents in her life.
My father and his family are interstate so if I want to go visit them which I regularly do that will mean I now have to have permission to do so.
But then I also feel like I've done this much I can keep going on my own.. but can I?
Then her being angry at me when she is older for not trying to get in contact when we are now in the same town.
I then might think it's selfish of me to want her to go to his house every other week so I can have some time for me which I have never got. To be able to study and get some one to have her and maybe one day meet a man and go on a date which I cant do as I don't have any support system. All my friends say sometimes you need to be selfish as I haven't been at all for 4 years.
I saw how he was with his other daughter when I was with him the whole fighting over clothes and him calling her mum crap, competing with each other. Like if they stayed home all weekend it wasn't good enough she should be taking her out enjoying her (what's wrong with a weekend at home) things like that. She has a rash but wasn't taken to the hospital as soon as it came up she was hounded. Even though she was at the Drs the best morning. Probably what a lot of exs deal with really. Can I cope with that drama. Im to old now for drama.
There are so many pros and cons here.
But how do I make contact if I do decide. Where do I start. Do I get a custody plan in place first in case things get messy? Do I need him on the birth certificate? If I do get custody before I make contact will he know what I have gone for soul custody?
What would I even say to him. I would message him I dont think I could meet up with him. Makes me sick thinking I could see him after all these years. How would I even react.
I need some sort if closer. Answers to why he did what he did. Why he hurt me. Why he meet someone so fast and gave my ring to her. Why he didn't keep it to give to out daughter. He keep his first feonces ring to give to their daughter. Why is my daughter so different. His new women thinks im crazy. I told her she was wearing my ring tried to give her a heads up. And she ended up deleting all social media clamming she was being stalked his parents commenting saying I was an insane person.
I know I can be the only one to decide but some ideas would be great right now.
I can't talk to my mother or sisters about this or my extended family as they have told me right from the beginning to never make contact. My mum would hate me if I do.
But does my daughter have a right to meet her dad even if he isn't a sane person.
Thinking of contacting daughters father
Thinking of contacting daughters father
Where do I start.