Hi girls
I just wanted to know how I can stop holding grudges.I feel angry all the time about how people did me wrong including in my relationship.google does not help me at all.who could help?or is this never going to end?
I just want to be able to forgive and move on and not always be mean to people for what they did in the past.im an idiot myself most of the time
6 Replies
Maybe see a psychologist to help deal with the past and move forward in a positive way.
Start with your GP. They can refer you to services in your area.
I haven't mastered this with certain close family members, but with general people friends and exes, you kind of think about you being in control of your life and making it what you want. People can come along and fool you once, and it hurts, but then you put them in the boundary they deserve to be in, so you're not going to let them do it to you again, so they can't affect you.
If they've apologised and really proven themselves over time, then they might get closer again. If they're shitheads to the core then you've pegged them and they're not going to have influence over you. So you don't need to waste your energy giving it to them.
I've found lots of this kind of thinking has really helped. I have an ex who did awful things and now we are civil on the daily, and the past is the forgiven (but not forgotten) we just deal with today as he has no other impact over me.
It's taken me a while to learn that holding grudges only hurts me, holding a grudge keeps me stuck in that hurt stage, it keeps me from moving on - there's nothing productive about holding a grudge. So I have to make a conscious choice to not allow that person's actions from having a lasting effect on my happiness.
If a person hurts me I'll look at it in 2 ways:
1. They unintentionally hurt me out of insensitivity or carelessness but they are sorry, they showed remorse and I feel confident they have learned something from their actions - in that case I forgive, not to condone their actions but so I can move past the incident so it doesn't continue to hurt me.
Or
2. This person has consistently done me wrong, they justify their actions instead of owning their behaviour and I feel like this sort of thing is likely to happen again - in this case I accept it and I distance myself from that person.
From following that sort of system I have kind of weeded out all the dicks in my life. I know it's easier said than done when it's family but you can most definitely put some boundaries in place in those circumstances just to avoid it happening in the first place.
Thank u!
Oh gosh yes I see your system but it's so so difficult.my Partner had certain behaviour patterns but has changed for the better but I keep on bringing old stuff up. It's like I'm constantly angry for something he is deeply sorry about, Wether it's a situation where he didn't react how I wanted him to or other things.so I find it very difficult to just see him as the beautiful person he is,instead I just be mad at him for nothing.I don't know how to just erase that anger.
And I have also blocked and erased people but as soon as they are brought up,my heart rate is reaching the roof. I need to just accept them for existing and let go of the anger they caused me.i don't know how though.its like a blockage in my way of thinking. I always need to think of the negative instead of the positive that they may brought
Focus on something else when you start to think of it. I know it’s so hurtful how people can treat and use others. Block them off completely and move forward. The happier you become the easier it will be. People aren’t worth the stress and worry. You are in control. It’s onky hurting yourself.