Sisterhood I am desperate for advice.
My soul has a wound that will not heal.
For almost 30 years I have been in love with my soul mate. Problem is, he is not my husband. I am in my mid 40s, 3 sons, married 15 years.
I love my husband. We have the the usual relationship woes. Nothing to seperate over. I have no desire to leave our marriage which why I am asking for help.
I have tried everything to accept and move past it. My heart genuinely aches every single day for him. It always has. I have dreamt of him almost every night for almost 30 years. It's exhausting and I want so badly to move past it.
We were inseparable for many, many years. Both too young and shy to admit our feelings for each other but never apart. We were each others half. Finally admitting our feelings the night before our family moved across the country. It was devastating.
Everytime we spoke, it broke another peice of our heart not being together. It became unbearable so we tried to move on in life.
We have both had families and are happy in our lives. Very rarely do we speak. I would never dream of admitting how I feel to him. Or anyone for that matter. I have never told anyone before this. I do not wish to hurt anyone. I have tried for so long to let it go.
I just want to move forward in my life. As I age, I have learnt it is not simply a case of rose coloured glasses or the grass being greener. This man is the other half of my soul. I am ok with that. But how do I move past it?
As for him. I am not certain of how he feels. To me it doesn't matter. I am committed to my marriage and am desperate to let him go.
Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
23 Replies
I can feel you in a lot of levels.
I often go through stages of this feeling with my ex who also moved across the country. We’ve also both moved on and had families.
I always remind myself that it’s perfectly okay to love someone but from a distance. And that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you need to be with them. That I also loved who he was, but I wouldn’t love him now. That life happens for a reason and there would be many reasons to why we aren’t together, I trust that, but I’ll never find the answers. I’m also happy in my relationship and I love my partner with all my heart. But I am aloud to think of old times, and remember being innocent and in love with someone else. I’m aloud to remember how he made me feel and how heartbroken I was when he left. It’s something ill grieve over forever. Some days I think about him a lot and some days he is at the back of my mind, but he is aloud to be there.
Thank you for your reply. I have always felt the same way as you. However I don't seem to be able to move past it. It is impacting my mental health so I not sure what to do.
He's your soul mate but it doesn't matter how he feels? That's nonsensical. It's absolutely a case of the grass being greener. You've built a pedestal and placed him on it because you never actually got to see where your feelings went. Focus on what you have. If this man is on social media, block him. Seeing his posts/comments will just be fueling your fantasy.
Yup. Sounds like teenage girl logic to me.
Sorry, to clarify I meant even if he felt the same it wouldn't change things. I would remain in my marriage.
I say this in the kindest way possible, this man, that you've barely had any real connection with for many, many years - he's not your soulmate.
He's an infatuation you never grew out of, you haven't been in love with "him" for 30 years, you've romanticized and fallen in love with the notion of "What if?" for 30 years.
I can see you want to move on and I sense you know that this unhealthy yearning has taken an emotional toll and possibly held you back over the years. It takes a great deal of self awareness to understand these feelings aren't good for you, many people would have acted in them so I commend you for seeking ways to put this piece of your life behind you!
My suggestions:
1. Remove him from your life.
It's time to let him go, block him on Facebook and let him float back 3 decades to the place in your heart where your first young love belongs. Look back on those memories fondly but don't let them consume your present.
2. Acceptance!
It's human nature to contemplate the what ifs, the what if I made different choices? What if I did this differently? What if my choices took me down the path of my "soulmate"?
Dwelling on those thoughts keeps us stuck in the past
You need to accept that that's just not how your life turned out, you married a good man who you love, you got 3 great kids - that's your story so far.
3. Therapy!
If after trying really hard to create a new mindset for yourself, you still find yourself struggling to come to terms with this and moving on, i think seeing a therapist or counsellor may be really beneficial. You may even find you actually need to talk about it before you can move on because you've kept this bottled for so long (and remember, it's all confidential and objective).
Thank you. That's really good insight and advice. I really appreciate the time you've taken to reply. Perhaps a therapist will help me to move forward. You are absolutely right. I feel so stuck and my mental health is really struggling.
People are fast to tell you it's not real. And I agree it may not be - I have also had a teen boyfriend move away and I thought he was the love of my life and when we reconnected years later it was terrible. That was teen lust. A crush. Infatuation.
But if you spent years in each others pockets and grew together, grew close and got on well, then the truth is that it is probably real and you would probably still get on and have legitimate feelings for each other.
I'm going to say don't let people who haven't experienced it, disregard it.
Also, as I said about my teen crush, sometimes reconnecting is all it takes for it all to change, which would be a good thing too.
Those feelings probably were real in the beginning, I never said they weren't, but 30 years later they're not real anymore, they're now an infatuation caused by the inability to let go of the past and it's not healthy. Who is even the same person they were 30 years ago? I'm not the same person I was 18 months ago, I've grown, matured and changed.
There has been no real relationship with this other man for decades, he's not her soulmate.
Regardless, she has expressed the desire to move on now. Even if he was/is her "soulmate", continuing to refer to him as that probably isn't ideal in terms of moving on.
I'm saying that although thats what you believe, it's possible and likely that they both remember each other & have love for each other. If you knew his heart then, people don't actually change that much. And they don't forget people that meant something to them.
I get what you're saying but it's not even really about what you or I believe, it's about moving forward in a healthy way.
He'll always be her first love, there's nothing wrong with that but she needs to leave that love in the past so it doesn't impact her present and her future!
I see what you mean now. She's thinking of him as a romantic love and it's invading her thoughts and affecting her life, that's not healthy.
I tried it with my soul mate, and it didn't work but of course we remained friends and loved each other forever.
Soul mates dont have to be lovers (even though I understand that passion you have in loving him, it still doesn't mean it will go any more perfectly than any other relationship).
Its common for soul mates not to be able to be together, or not to last together but to come and go through out life, but remain in love with each others soul no matter what.
So long story short I also left mine and lived my life without him and now that he's passed away I don't regret not being with him. I regret not being in touch with him. Not spending time with him. Not being there to support him. To tell him about my kids. Not keeping him close as a friend as we were so special to each other in our hearts. But again, apparently that's the way it goes with soul mates.
I regret not making sure he knew, he made sure I knew through his actions. He always put himself out there for me and always loved me better.
So there's nothing wrong with telling him. Or just showing him through connecting and supporting. It might help you to say it to him, tell him that you love his soul, that nothing, time or distance ever changes that, that you think youll be connected to each other forever. And if he feels the same way, then tell him you know and thank him. Put him in his box and move on with your life with the pieces in place and it might feel better for you.
And hey, if he doesn't that will help you a whole lot with this as well!
I think you’ve romanticised the relationship and built it up as something that it isn’t.
If you had actually had a relationship with him, you’d realise that the ‘soul mate’ thing is, would never live up to what you’ve imagined.
It’s time for therapy. You need to learn ways to break the magic bubble and put it in perspective and not continue to fantasise. Your husband could never live up to what amounts to an infatuation and fantasy relationship.
Your husband, the person you married has to do all the real life things, do the boring and hard stuff. You know, raise the actual kids together, pay the bills together, discuss the day in day out stuff.
You’ve not done real life things hard things with fantasy guy. So he just seems fantastic.,
I could have written this myself! Except the person I have this unbelievable connection with is 32 years older than me. We have also shared kisses and cuddles on numerous occasions. I'm married with kids and have no intention of leaving but am always thinking of him. We speak so much and he has also admitted to feeling more than he should. This has also impacted my mental health and in fact I'm now in hospital due to my state of mind. It's partly due to the guilt I feel. I know that I need to let him go.
I think I remember your posts and want to say huge congratulations on taking this step. If it's not positive, and it's impacting your mental health, you do need to put some distance between you and him and work to change how you think and who you think about and put your energy into daily, it will do you the world of good.
Good luck on your recovery.
I feel the same except I was in a relationship with this man for a few years, I was young and ended it over him hurting me I swiftly moved on to mend my heart and am now married with kids but I think of him everyday it’s really impacting my life 😣
All I can say is good on you for having enough respect and love for your husband that you haven't acted on these feelings. You're a kind a good women.
Can I suggest seeing someone like a councillor. Talking to a professional third party may be just what you need to talk your feelings through and they may be able to give you some techniques to move forward from this point.
My feelings didn't stop until I had a horrible tragedy occur in my life...
Now I just don't want any affection
I think you’re attached to what could have been, I had something similar for a long time, second guessing where I was now and so on. Eventually I actually just caught up with him online and he was a serious sleaze and not even close to what I remember him being like. I learnt real quick that even though what I remember was beautiful, people change and life moves on.
"The first cut is the deepest" Many songs have been written about this.
I know how you feel my first love was the hardest to let go of. Truly he will always be in my heart and I will love who he is, and I still dream about him occasionally now even 20+ years later, but I don't have any wishes to contact him or expect we will rekindle what was. It took me a lot of focus and effort to truly let him go.
If you decide you really want to let him go:
Hold a ritual, light a candle, put on some soft music, talk to him as if he was there and could hear you, or write down how you feel, get it all out. Then tell him you love your husband, ask him to let you go and tell him he is free to live his life and be happy, and that you need to let him go to live your life and be happy with your family.
Say goodbye. Burn the paper if you wrote down your feelings. Have the feeling of letting him go.
Start a gratitude diary: Write down all the things you love about your life now, write down all the reasons you and your husband make a good team. Write down all the things you have gratitude for, and add to it whenever you can.
Good luck, but having that love in your heart is a beautiful thing, each and every love is different and new and we can have multiple soul mates in our lifetime, some are fleeting, others are friendships, some are lifepartners, others are there to teach us a lesson. Take each as it comes and learn to let go and move on so you can learn the next lesson in life. xxoo
Also just to add- get very! clear! on why you need to move on and leave your past in your past- write it down. Why is holding on to an old love holding you back from living your best life now? How much better will you feel if you get over it. What improvements will you see if you can let him go. How is it affecting you negatively at the moment? Once you are clear on those things it will be easier to have the motivation to let it go and move on with your life. :)