Please help.
Me and my ex partner have shared custody. He has her most of the time during the week as I am on shift work. I have her every weekend and always video call her twice a day.
Last weekend when she came up here (she is 4) she had a terrible night terror and that for 4 nights straight. She now doesn't want to come back amymore. She has a horse here and she loves going to the neighbours. In fact she always says 'I don't want to go home, can we stay at the neighbours' and whne I ask, she says she is scared at our house because there is a monster. Now when I videocall her she even says 'I don't need to come home we can just call'
It hurts my heart. I tried smidging the house in case there was some kind of spirit, even did it together but she just won't let it go. If I tell her on the phone that we stay at someone's else's place, she is happy to come. But if I tell her that we go back to my house, she absolutely hates it.
My house is partly under renovations and not very pretty atm. Very small. Do you think that could play a role?
She is with me all the time at home and loves playing with the neighbours and animals but she just hates going inside the house, especially in the bedroom (we share a bedroom)
What can I do? My own daughter doesn't want to come home any more and all the reasoning is always that There is a monster in the house. Does a 4yo have already the capability to judge a nice large home from a small not so pretty (im talking clean and tidy but not modern) house? I don't know what to do. I'm so sad
P. S. I tried to explain to her that mobsters aren't real and that I always protect her, so does our dog
7 Replies
Have you asked her what the monster looks like and where she thinks it is?
It sounds silly but get down on her level and check things out from her perspective. I remember being petrified of the hot water cylinder when I was around this age, it was in a cupboard in the hallway and my mum would sometimes hang socks in there to dry with the door open. Was totally irrational, but my little 4 year old brain saw something much scarier than what it actually was.
My grandmother also had a painting of a lion that used to give me the creeps too.
So maybe look for things like exposed plaster on the walls, any boxes/stuff that might make funny shadows, any painting or pictures that may be odd, doors or curtains that might not close all the way, check out under the beds (maybe repeat this process at night as well - childrens eyes can be very deceiving at night). Think outside the box with it!
Sometimes older homes are just a bit dark too, it might be something that simple that's making her unsettled.
All kids go through this. At four their imagination is developing , so they can create wonderful things but also really scary ideas. If they have one house they would hate their bedroom, because they have a choice they hate that house. You power through it. Treat the anxiety the same as you would treat any four year old with a fear.
My girl at 4 developed a huge fear, a purple witch swimming under her bed and on the ground trying to grab her feet. It even sounded terrifying to me. Turns out it was from a picture from the old lady who swallowed a mozzie (the book)
Tricks for scared kids include - clearing out and checking the room during the day/at bedtime- a safety spray / monster spray the child can hold.
- staying with child.
- a special night light/torch.
- leaving door open and hall light on and frequent checking in (a display for the child while they are awake, like having a guard sentry)
- a special bravery cuddle toy or something to hold.
- magic fairy dust (glitter)
- magical crystals under pillow or next to bed to protect them and keep bad things away.
- sleeping with mum for a while.
- books about feeling scared
- chat about fears and what's real and what's not real.
I bet she has seen a spirit. I saw one when I was older than her at my Pops place and I pretty much reacted the same way your daughter did. I think what you should try is believe her (even if you don't, say you do) then involve her in the 'Monster removal Process', yes I totally made that name up but make it sound serious. Find someone who can cleanse the house, explain the process to her, have her present or video call the process. Reassure her that the monster has gone. Let the dog sleep with her.
I think this is where doing shared care sucks. I don’t say this to blame anyone, just pointing out the didficulties.
If the child lived with you full time, you would have either gotten to the bottom of the issue or she would have out grown it and learnt the house isn’t scary.
Reducing Anxiety about something usually involves small frequent doses of exposure to break through the anxiety. But of course that’s not really happened or been able to happen in this case and so the anxiety gains momentum in her mind.
I really hope you find a solution.
Try a tent or a caravan for a while and gradually get her spending more time in the house. Keep your bedroom well lit and maybe keep a TV going in the room all the time that she is there. Have friends over. Be relaxed and happy at night time. She wiĺl get there eventually.
Thanks everyone! I have now noticed that on her level, her cubicles with clothing and the curtain looks kind of scary. I spent all weekend to change the bedroom so she won't stare at it at night, I also got a second nightlamp forr the hallway. Thank you so much everyone for those great suggestions
Maybe get her a referral to a child psychologist, they are great and will give her ideas of ways to deal with it and get things out of her in their own way. To us what a monster is may be completely different to her. The poor little kid, it sounds like a real fear of something at the house or someone.