Out of control 18 year old

Anonymous

Out of control 18 year old

I don't even know where to begin with this one so I'll try my best.
I have 5 kids aged from 13 to 21 and my husband and I have done our best to raise them to be respectful individuals, but our 18 year old daughter has steered away from everything we have taught her.
From the moment she knew she could leave home from the age of 16, the attitude kicked in and it's only gotten worse.
She got involved in the wrong crowd of people and her attitude started on the down hill spiral from there.
She became very nasty to her siblings, especially our youngest son. She even managed to turn all of her sisters friends against her and claimed her best friend as her own, this went on for quite some time until she decided to drop out of school. My other daughter was left feeling shattered when all her friends turned against her but has since repaired the damage that was left behind.
She would sneak out most nights leaving the front door unlocked. The amount of times we pulled her up on that is uncountable and every time we tried to correct her behavior, she would run away from home until she was good and ready to come back and pretend nothing happened. She just has absolutely no care about anyone but herself. She has a very jealous personality and doesn't care who she hurts and would constantly find a way to blame other people for her actions.
The moment she turned 18 that mind set kicked straight in, "you cant tell me what to do anymore" and "I can do whatever I want"
Shes still hanging out and living with the wrong crowd of people. She never answers my calls, she has the entire family blocked on Facebook.
She recently contacted me and told me that her and several other people stole a car and crashed it (thankfully she wasn't hurt) and has court early next month.
After telling her theres not much I can do to help her through this she hung up on me.
I went to the police station to try and get more information about what happened but because she's 18 they couldnt give me any information except for the court date. I want to be there for her because at the end of the day shes still my daughter and I love her dearly but on the other hand I dont know who she is anymore. Once upon a time she use to be such a lovely child with a heart of gold but shes turned into a complete stranger. I don't even know what I'm asking, but please be kind with your words, my heart has been beaten up enough.

9 Replies

Anonymous

Realistically she is now an adult. There is nothing you can do. Unfortunately she needs to make her own mistakes and learn or not from them. Protect your other children, and leave an avenue of communication open for your daughter if she needs it. But you need to live your life and let her sleep in the bed she has made for herself. All the best.

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Anonymous

I think you need to let her play out this life she has chosen. She will grow up one day and hopefully see what a little turd she has been. Only help with the necessities of life if she asks for help, never hand over cash but if she says she has no food buy her groceries. That will be the only help I would give. When it comes to crime she has chosen to be a part of I would not help or support her at all.

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Anonymous

I’m so sorry - I have no advice. This would absolutely kill me.

But I guess she is an adult, maybe tell her yes she is an adult and responsible for the decisions she is making. Tell her that you are there for her emotionally but the rest is on her now!

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Anonymous

I’m going to give advice from someone’s who’s friend started behaving the same way.
It’s awful, and horrible to watch and you may need to get yourself some emotional support for yourself, because she needs to sort this out herself.
You misbehave, do stupid shit and engage in criminal behaviour, then she has to face the consequences.
You let her know when she is ready to turn her life around you will be her biggest cheer squad, but she is an adult and only she can turn it around.
What ever you do, don’t bail her out.
If she wants to come home, or reconnect with the family she has to be polite, and follow the rules.

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Farra Jackson

I don't have much to share. But reading this a few thoughts popped into my head.

Is she potentially on drugs? If so, could you admit her to a rehab centre to get her away from this bad crowd, and hopefully give you all some time to reconnect?

Or maybe the Army? Not to get rid of her, but to get her away from this scenario where she feels she is in charge, and move her to a location where she could be more disciplined.

Just airing my thoughts out loud.

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Anonymous

I'm not going to sugar coat this and I'm not saying it to be hurtful but I do speak with some experience.

She's probably using drugs.
She's probably engaging in all kinds of risky behaviour.
She probably feels very trapped by the lifestyle that she finds simultaneously enticing.

All you can do for her is wait til she hits rock bottom and be there to help her when she needs you.

Sounds like you need to look out for you for the time being x

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Anonymous

O mumma what a tough call, firstly you are doing a wonderful job. Secondly, she is an adult now. All you can do is turn up at her court hearing and support her. We all make mistake and she may have to learn the hard way thay dumb decisions carry big penalties.
When she calls be honest with her, tell her you're always there and you love her so much but you don't agree with the decisions she is making right now. Let her know that you'll always be there when she decides to grow up and take charge of her life.
Hopefully the court date and hearing is a wakeup call for her.
There is nothing that you did wrong. Sometimes kids just take this path.
As for the relationships with siblings. That is something thay she is going to have to repair herself. All behaviours have consequences and she is going to have to lie in the bed that she is making.

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Anonymous

Aww you poor mumma, I feel for you. Such a hard thing to go through. I would try and make a night out with her just you and her. Dinner, movies, anything. Try and sit her down and speak openely to her. Tell her how much you love her, how much you are hurting and how much you care about her. Be very open and honest with your feelings, she may need to hear it. Don’t come across as mad, angry as she may take that as attacking her and not listen. Tell her how concerned you are about her and that you will always be there for her but the court appearance she will have to do on her own with these people she has chosen to get caught up with. She needs to realise they are her real friends and explain to her that no matter how old she is, she is still and will always be your beautiful baby girl and you won’t ever stop loving or caring about her. Then explain to her, that she is right and she is 18 now and if that’s how she chooses to live, then you have to step away and let her do it alone. This means court, anything. Tell her you only want what is best for her in life and if she feels these are the right descicions and path she is taking, it’s not how you have raised her to be but it is her choice. As long as she doesn’t live at home anymore she is free to live like she wants. You have to be cruel to be kind but at the same time show her how much you care if this makes sense. Let her do court alone, it will scare her knowing her mum that she needs isn’t there for her. She thinks she doesn’t need you but it might make her realise when you aren’t there for it that she really needed you there. Hopefully the judge comes down on her and scares her enough to pull her head in. I hope things get better. It would be heartbreaking as a mum to go through this.

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Anonymous

As much as you train and guide your children to the right path, they are still autonomous beings who can make their own decisions, and sometimes not the best decisions. All you can do is love them and allow them to see for themselves what the consequences for their bad choices are. Let her know that you will always love her, but until she starts making better life choices and treats people with respect, there is little you can do to help her in any capacity other than emotional support. Note might be a good time to chat with a GP about getting you some support from a counselor or physiologist. You might be eligible for free/reduced fee sessions that will help give you some perspective and healthy coping skills for you to move forward with your life in a healthy way while still being available for all your kids. Best of luck mumma bear!

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