I was just wondering if it’s appropriate to get upset if someone takes your 18 month old outside without your permission. My MIL asked me twice to take my son outside to play. I said no politely twice because it was quite cold, he didn’t have a jacket and it was on a main road. So she picked him up and said she was taking him anyway. I was upset and wanted to leave because this stuff happens every time and hubby blames me and says I should have just let her do what she wants and I wrecked everyone’s night by wanting to leave after that.
Is it okay for someone to take your child
Is it okay for someone to take your child
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Behaviour, Baby & Toddler
36 Replies
Look, I sympathise. I firmly believe grandparents, well family & friends in general, need to respect boundaries set by children's parents.
But that said, there was no real reason she couldn't take him outside, I'm sure she's not stupid - she'd know to keep him away from the road and a good eye on him, I sure she'd have enough common sense to know if he got too cold.
Forgive me if I'm too bold here but I can't help but wonder if you have some underlying anxiety going on, regarding your child particularly. It just does seem a little unreasonable that's all, your hubby didn't seem to see an issue and I'm sure you are confident in his competence and you trust him yeah?
Me and her don’t get along because she has no respect for me or my family always talking bad about me to my son or bad about my whole family due to ethnicity. So we don’t quite get along. If I don’t bring him a jacket in warmer situations she makes fun of me in public so I just didn’t want to hear how stupid I was for forgetting a jacket and didn’t want him outside.
See a counselor with hubby, if you can't get on the same page, this will never stop, you are being gaslighted... look it up, then when you speak up its minimized and made look stupid, you and hubby need to be a united front, if not you have 2 choices put up with this FOREVER, OR LEAVE...
sounds like you are dealing with an individual with a personality disorder. Research Narcissistic Personality Disorder and you may get some answers.
I’d be pissed off as well, if you’ve said no you’ve said no! It’s that simple. You weren’t saying no to be a bitch or anything, you have your valid reasons. I probably wouldn’t of left but I would of been not happy that’s for sure.
I think it’s important to think about if saying no was necessary. Think about if you often say no to little things.
It would never occur to my parents to ask permission to take a child outside. They raised three children very well. None of us were in accidents or got sick due to negligence.
As parents we need to remember they raised children and we need to trust in there abilities in most circumstances.
Did you really think your MIL doesn’t have the capacity to judge the safety of the situation?
Last time I forgot his jacket she called me stupid in front of everyone and told my son he has a stupid mummy. I do have anxiety around her because of these comments happening all the time so I said no to going outside to avoid the situation. Safety wise her judgement is off she doesn’t believe in things like SIDS or pool gates etc so I just don’t trust her.
Honesty i feel so bloody sorry for you, this is the worst feeling, if you cant get hubby to support you, you may as well leave, mil will win everytime ... reaserch narcissism and bow out xo
You are making an issue of your son going outside, but ignoring the 800 pound elephant in the room. If your MIL is disrespectful and always makes you feel like shit, you don’t need validation from others regarding this minor incident to prove that fact. Sounds like your husband needs to talk to her and tell her the disrespect needs to stop, coming from you, I suspect won’t make her alter her behaviour.
I have tried that but all he says is to just do what she says then he takes it all out on me. I try to say no politely to certain things and she ignores me or laughs at me says she will do what she likes. I just can’t take it anymore so after politely saying no twice tonight she said she was doing it anyway so I said I want to go home because confrontation is really hard for me. I went home being blamed and ignored as usual. I was just told I wrecked the whole night because I couldn’t just do what she says. I find it hard that it’s never her fault in my hubbys eyes always mine.
She’s the matriarch of the family, they are conditioned to it, what she says goes because it’s not worth the headache/drama to them. Enter you, an outsider who dares to disagree with the queen, have your own opinions and won’t allow her to call the shots, she discredits you by humiliating and discrediting you in front of others.
The way I see it, you have these choices:
Bow down to the queen like the others
Have no contact with her
Continue fighting for your rights as an automous person and mother
I guarantee she senses your anxiety around her and she would feed off of that. If there’s one thing that is effective with theses types is to give no emotional reaction at all.
Choice is yours, good luck.
This is not about your MIL. It's about your relationship with your husband. I couldn't stay in that it sounds miserable. He's not just not on your side passively- hes actually bullying and disrespecting you.
You're in a no win situation with him being how he is.
As trivial as it was, no she should not have done that. Grandparents can't over rule what the parents say, no matter what. If I were you I would find your voice with this woman because all this does is teach your child that he can dismiss what you say because its not important.
My MIL once came and took my newborn (who was breastfed) for 8 hours when she said she was only taking her for 2. I was extremely upset yet I had people say I was overreacting and even lucky! I certainly didn't feel that way. Your feelings are valid, you didn't want her taking him out and she should have listened.
Maybe the fact that you have said repeatedly that you don't like her influenced you saying no and she figured if you're going to be difficult shes not going to let that stop her from spending time with her grandson. Wanting to leave does seem like an over reaction.
No one has any right to take anyone’s child. Doesn’t matter how they “feel” if they are told no it’s NO!
She didn't take the child, they went out of the room to the outside.
Ignore the fact she took him outside for now, as mentioned it's a very small symptom of a very big problem. First is to have this discussion with your husband. His mother belittles and disrespects you, your family, and your opinion as a parent and does so in front of your son. This is to stop and he will be the one to make it happen. If you can't handle that talk with him involve a personal or relationship counsellor. His answer will tell you what to do next. If he won't support you to feel valued and respected, that will never change so cut your losses and get rid of him and the deadshit family (and be triple billion careful to not get pregnant to him again until this is resolved). If he agrees that the name calling, belittling, undermining etc has to stop then ensure it does. He has to be onside. If she starts her rot HE has to be the one to say YOU'RE ALL LEAVING. And why. If he can't commit to that he's not committed to you.
This! So much this!
Yep - this was my thought too!
Nope, it’s not ok for your MIL to belittle you though. I’d be more pissed if my MIL treated me like yours does you than my MIL taking my child outside to play when I said no because they didn’t have a jumper. Maybe MIL could have used her jacket to keep them warm. I know when peeps take my 12 m/o to do things if he doesn’t have a jumper on they usually wrap their over sized jackets around him.
I’m with you.
Does seem like there are issues there with MIL though and this was just another thing to add to her shit pile.
It’s only natural to not-pick and find faults in everything she does if you don’t feel respected by her, if she is constantly doing things out of line
This specific situation wouldn’t have bothered me, I think it’s quite petty saying no to her taking him outside and I don’t think the reasons given are really overly a good excuse to say no. However! If she is going against your will and disrespecting you then that isn’t okay and it would be very frustrating. But wanting to leave isn’t the answer and it is your fault for causing a scene about it. You need to either take her aside or have a conversation away from others about her respecting you and your choices. Your hubby should also be backing you up on this too though! If he isn’t, is there another issue going on? And would he have been okay with your son going outside? What does he want and are you both working as a team?
From her point of view, you saying no because it’s on a main road may make her feel like you don’t trust her enough to look after him properly outside. If it were your mum, do you think you would have said yes?
I don’t like her because she calls me names in front of my child and others. Last time I tried to talk to her about this stuff she laughed and called me a bitch. I don’t insult her or use that language on her so I find it inappropriate. Leaving is all I have left because she just makes a scene otherwise. I don’t trust her because of her behavior and that’s why I say no to her, she also has no respect for me or her son and will do as she wants so leaving is the only way to make her stop.
If this is continuously happening and she is blatantly disrespecting you it's definitely time to cut ties. You are not obligated to go and see her or be around a lady so nasty. If your husband wants to go and take the kids, fine, however you do not need to have someone speak down to you or be nasty. That is not good for your mental health at all!!!!
I’ve been trying to be the “adult” for a while now not really reacting or just accepting her comments mostly about my family etc... but it doesn’t work so I thought leaving would maybe work, without me needing to say rude things the message would be clear. I tried letting my husband take my son to visit alone then I got accused of being rude for not spending time with his family. I do worry with what she says to my son because even when I’m there if my son comes to me for a hug she takes him and tells him I don’t want him. I find that the most hurtful of all.
Your husband is not very nice
No do not let her see your son without you there. She then has unsupervised access to tell him whatever she wants. This woman needs to be cut out. She is trying to alienate you from your son. Please look at justnomil. It is a support forum for this kind of stuff. You and your husband need therapy. He is married to you and you are your sons mother not your Mil.
Yes, I agree.
Yes, I agree.
You have every right to be annoyed.
One at your MIL for not listening to you and two at your husband for not sticking up for you.
Your MIL is obviously used to being the boss and thinks she can do what she likes.
But this is your child - your rules.
I feel for you, my MIL is exactly the same. I put up with her crap for years and didnt say anything...now I have nothing to do with her. (Not saying this is the answer)
Maybe when she does things like this, calmly remind her of your wishes & reasons why. Stand your ground in a nice manner...and have friends on standby to vent to later on!!
I dont know why some MIL’s behave this way...but know that you havent done anything wrong - this is just the way they are.
Sounds like she is taking advantage by doing what she wants, disregarding your feelings. Think that you may need to set some boundaries and try to get your husband to support you, otherwise you may end up resenting him. My MIL did similar stuff when my kids were babies and it drove me crazy. If you let it all go it will just get worse and you will be anxious all the time around her. Now I am assertive with her and thankfully my husband can see my side and supports me. Good luck x
You have a Narc Monster in Law. And your Husband isn't going to back you Ever! You need to save your baby and get a back bone of steel and stand up to that bitch or divorce him and that family ASAP!!! Nothing will change!
My SIL has done this twice, when she did not have kids.
Now she has her own no one can go near them.
1st time- we were staying at cabins, she said they needed their nappy changed...didnt come back for ages, they were in the total opposite end of the van park.
2nd time- she said they needed a juice. I said water is fine...she was playing with them on the balcony and then they were gone.
We rang her and she had taken them IN THE CAR (3 and 4 years old) to her house, they were watching a movie.
Wouldn't return till it was over
I stopped my family visiting. My child my rules. I don’t give a flying poop if they get upset. I am raising my children my way and we disagree on lots now they actually listen to me but at the start they didn’t and they soon learned to.
Tbh, my grandparents (my children's great grandparents) were firm believers in "children must obey their parents". If they didnt agree, they discussed it in private with mum and dad, but we were never aware of it. Yet my kid's the grandparents (baby boomers funnily enough), feel they are entitled to do what they want with "their" granchildren.
Go figure.
You said no.
End of story.
Your mil was out of line and your husband is pussy whipped by his mum.
Probably for the sake of keeping peace within the family.
Your mil didnthis knowing it would probably cause a disagreement within your marriage.
I agree with you. I would never take my grandchild outside without parental permission.