Help!!
I'm totally not in love with my partner anymore. I would love to move out and leave, but I can't afford to. I have been at home with our 3 children for the past 7 years. So, not qualified, experience or funded to do anything else. He knows I'm not happy, but knows he has it too good to rock the boat. He has told me if I leave "good luck getting child support out of him as he will 'suddenly' come into a lot of 'cash' work" (he is self employed). Has also told me "What makes you think you will get the kids" I can't stand him. Every little thing pisses me off at the moment, his loud chewing, his bad breath, his snoring.... I just keep telling myself "my love for my kids is greater than my hate for him". How do I bite my toungue and tolerate the next 16 years putting up with his shit?? (My youngest is 2) xx
Please help....!!
Please help....!!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
22 Replies
You get single parent payments, you study, and you move out.
Omg run for the hills and never look back.
Get your exit plan together. Start saving and studying!
You will get single parenting payments, rent assistance and family tax benefit payments. I would contact Centrelink and speak to a social worker about your options and start looking at some cheap rentals in your area. You can also get the bond assistance to move in from your local state housing organisation so you don’t need to stress about that.
To play devil's advocate, you told your partner, the father of your children, that you don't love him. I think him being angry and bitter is a response you should have expected. Not many people are that mature in that circumstance.
Agree. Go ahead and do what you need to do. Being hateful and resentful while you're staying makes me lose sympathy as youre choosing to continue both those things.
You can’t tell your partner you don’t love them and want to be with them and continue as normal. You say he has it good, well he works and supports a woman whom despises him. Not sure how great that would be day to day? If you have the balls to say what you have said, then you need the balls to leave, it’s the right thing to do.
You also continued having kids to him, heprobably feels like the sperm donor you use to make babies.
You loved him at one stage , and pretty recently too since your youngest is only two. And the reasons you don’t love him is because of his loud chewing, his bad breath and his snoring? Are you serious ? Would be good to know what reasons you suddenly don’t love him anymore , it can’t be those , surely !!
I think you may have this wrong - you have it too good to rock the boat, that's why you havent left!
Who's gone to work everyday and provided for the family so you could stay home with the kids for 7 years?
If my partner felt about me the way you feel about yours, I'd want him to leave. It would be so demoralizing to think he needed advice on how to tolerate me for the next 16 years, seriously - how hurtful!?
Make plans to leave so you both get a chance at happiness, get on Centrelink payments, other mums manage!
Or even get a job?!? You’re right, she has it too good to rock the boat, not the other way around. If she won lottery tomorrow, she would be gone, so she’s basically using him for a pay cheque, under the guise of loving her kids. What a lovely lady.
Thats how it came across isnt it!
It was "How do I hate my husband just a little less so that I can continue to reap the benefits of being married to someone who is funding the lifestyle I want?"
Not "How do I fix my marriage so my husband and I are happy for the next 16 years?"
And people were worried about same sex couples ruining the sanctity of marriage!
How is leaving a woman who is financially dependent on you whilst saying she doesn't love you not rocking the boat because he has it too good? You are being horrible. Find a way to fix it, or let him go and look after yourself.
I understand how you feel, you seem trapped I feel this way sometimes too it’s really hard when you are a SAHM to leave because you don’t have the financial dependance and when the relationship breaks down it’s so hard. I just live day by day in my own world don’t even speak to him because well he started ignoring me first a while ago so I just went with it, I’m not hateful about things I just keep to myself and do everything for my son, studying next year so hopefully I’ll have more work options by the time my son is in school to leave.
That is sooooo self entitled. If you're ready to leave, do it. Register as separated under 1 roof and look after yourself if you can't get a job. No wonder misogynistic attitudes still exist.
I have a cousins who livedwith two parents that ignored each other and didn’t like each other and they have both ended up in very unhealthy/dysfunctional relationships. Being a martyr is not helping your children in any way.
So true!
My parents were unhappily married for the first 9 years of my life.
It was rare for them to fight in front of us but the tension was always palpable, there was no love, no affection, no camaraderie that normal relationships have. It most definitely has effected my own adult relationships!
I don't trust easily, I struggle to express my feelings and show affection too.
Children are very perceptive, don't think they won't notice.
Ok, so this was my post and I just wanted to say, the reason 'I don't live my partner anymore' as you say is because he has completely changed over this past year. He has turned into a person I don't recognise anymore. He has become controlling over money. He won't let me get a job, even though he knows how depressed I feel sitting at home with 3 kids watching my career go up in smoke, and would love some spending money of my own! Says unhelpful things like 'didn't you expect being a mum to be this hard' while not willing to help out with the kids. My mum passed away last year, asked he was "too tired" to come up to the hospital hospital to support me through her passing. He got his mum to come up from interstate to watch the kids the same week, but still didn't come up to the hospital, he chose to spend his child free time on the couch drinking beer and watching sport while I watched my mum die, alone. He has said the most awful, hurtful things to me (before I told him I can't love him anymore), like "you're nothing to me but the housekeeper". I would have desperately loved to get married, more so now before my dad passes and he can be at the wedding, and when I pressed on this ongoing issue I got told "I will never marry you and the only way you will ever get the same surname as your children is if you go and change your name by deed poll". After lieing to me the past 7 years about how he's "too busy at work / doesn't have the money / time" to get married "but I would love to one day".....
I would love to leave and be free of this toxic relationship and try and be happy, but he has made treats that I will never see my children again and I got told to "fuck off and be poor" when I told him I was struggling to tolerate his behaviour and the way he speaks to me (When he's speaking to me and not giving her the silent treatment and blatantly ignoring me). I could go on with his horrible behaviour, but I don't know why I have to justify why I'm so miserable being here....
You need to re-word your original post then!
We can only give advice with the information you give, unfortunately the information you chose to put out there came across petty and ungrateful, it sounded like you hate this hard working man because he chews loudly and snores - that was always going to get people's backs up. Given your update there's obviously a lot more to it and the advice you have been given is not appropriate!
You actually don't need to justify your unhappiness, being unhappy is a valid reason alone to call a relationship quits. What you do need to do is justify your decision to stay, not to us of course, but to your children who will eventually become dysfunctional adults because they grew up in a dysfunctional home where their dad openly belittled and emotionally abused their mother, and where their mother openly hated their father but put up with it for their so called benefit!
As someone who lived this as a kid, you are doing your kids no favours by staying for the next 16 years. Stop looking for excuses to stay and start seeing the reasons why you need to leave.
All the threats - another tool he uses to control and manipulate you. So he refuses to pay child support? The CSA will either track him down or you make do without it, millions of other mums do. "You'll never see your kids again" nice try mate, that's the oldest line in the book. That's the last ditch attempt by men to try and control their partners, by using their love for their children. He doesn't really want to take them from you, he wants to scare you into doing what he wants.
If you want to leave, do it. Start organising an exit plan, see a social worker at centrelink and apply for payments, get yourself a job if you want to, charity organisations can help you fees and clothe the kids, you can stay with family or friends, hell there's even women's shelters if you need. You do not need to live this way, there is help out there you just have to be willing to seek it!
I see so many contradictions in your story that are really hard to ignore. Your career going up in smoke and you really want to work but you originally said you didn’t have one and had t worked for seven years and you hate his guts but desperately want to marry him. You have not one, but three kids to this guy and I find it hard to believe he suddenly had a personality transplant in the last twelve months.
Your two posts are like black and white, the first you come across a very mean, entitled person and when that didn’t garner the desired result, the next one you are practically a victim of dv. You also seem to keep score, telling us all the bad things he has done to win our sympathy over him.
I feel the whole relationship is toxic and I may be off base here, but you come across to me as the type of person that will whine for hours to friends about how much you hate your spouse but never do anything about it.
If you hate him this much, do yourself and him a favour and just end it. Time to stand on your own two feet.
It sounds like he has had enough and has checked out of the relationship but is afraid of the uncertainty of ending it. You both have a lot of resentment toward each other and will be so much happier separate.
I also believe in your heart of hearts that you know his threats will never come to fruition and that you both resent and hate each other so much that you both regularly say nasty things. I believe you use the threats as an excuse not to leave because you are afraid of being alone and standing on your own two feet.
my mum left my dad when i was 5. She was disabled in a wheel chair with 3 kids (5yr twins and 6yr old). She went to a womans refuge until she had enough money for a bus ticket back to her sister was about 2 weeks. My dad kept the house until he ended up selling. He never paid child support of had that much to do with us. My mum managed. She worked sometimes 2 jobs once we were old enough to go to friends house ect. You can do it. Start off with going to see a womans shelter or similar place and they will be able to help.