Mums,
Bit of a back story. My mum is a bit of a narcissist and trys to interfere big time in my life but it’s “just cause she cares”. Put it this way, my mother has nearly cause my marriage to split on more than one occasion. It does not matter how many times or how gently or how rude you tell her, she does not back off. My mother now tells me how I should be raising my daughter, not just giving advice.
My mother doesn’t really hide the fact that she doesn’t like my husband despite the fact that he is a very patient caring man (has put up with my depression for nearly 16 years). My husband no longer sugar coats things for her, so I really try and limit the interactions between them.
My dad has been ok. My husband and my dad don’t really get along that well anymore as my dad has said and done a few dodgy things.
So the situation - we have a 15 month old daughter and my parents can be good with her, my mum babysits her while I work part time for which I’m grateful. Recently however my father yelled at my daughter while she was having a meltdown and I was extremely upset as well. He really got quite cranky. Then my mum told me to stop being stupid for crying over my daughter, I have depression and anxiety and I didn’t know what was wrong with my daughter and nothing I did helped. I know she picked up on my emotions but I just felt so helpless.
So tonight I was on the phone to my husband when my father yelled again at my girl and my husband is ready to rip my fathers head off. I can see this all boiling over at Christmas lunch so I want to try and diffuse the situation before that happens.
I was completely mortified by their behaviour. But I hate hate hate confrontation.
How do I tell them to treat my child better? I worry about my daughter when I leave her with my mother.
Honestly I’m at the point where I could quite happily cut my parents out of life but I won’t stop them from seeing their granddaughter not that they make much of an effort anyway, it’s akways me bringing the child to see them.
I hope this has made sense 😕
So confused 🤷🏼♀️
5 Replies
A. You find alternative care arrangements for your child. Free babysitting ain't worth all this hassle.
You also feel uneasy about said current arrangements, don't ignore that niggling feeling - we have it for good reason!
B. The relationship you have with your parents doesn't sound functional. For the sake of your mental health, create some distance!
Doesn't mean you need to have a huge confrontation or even cut them off completely but things can't continue this way.
C. You cannot make people behave the way you want them to. Your dad clearly has not got the patience to appropriately handle typical toddler behaviour and your mum has little understanding of empathy and supportiveness.
You just need to accept that's how they are, once you have you'll be able to see the situation much more clearly
D. No kid has ever suffered because they didn't have toxic grandparents in their lives. If wanting grandparents around is the only thing that's forcing you to maintain a relationship with your parents, you need to consider if that's wise. Being a grandparent is a priveledge, they arent owed anything. Your actions need to reflect their behaviour, otherwise you're just sending the message to them and your daughter, that all of this is ok.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Firstly you find alternate care arrangements for your child. Your parents are TOXIC and clearly have damaged you emotionally, to the point you find it difficult to set clear and healthy boundaries and assert yourself with them. You can’t let them look after your child because they will do the same thing to her.
You also can’t expect toxic people to suddenly follow healthy boundaries and to respect your opinion. Because they can’t do that.
You have to get strong for your child. That has to be your number one responsibility.
You say they don't make much effort but they look after her frequently while you work? And when you wrote in the other day he literally said stop your rot. Yes he raised his voice but he's not harmed your child. Your husband wanting to 'rip his head iff' is honestly much worse than a child getting a stern word when they're throwing a tantrum. Honestly I think this situation may be significantly influenced by the toll your anxiety and depression is having on everyone around you. And I say that as someone who struggles themselves. When I'm not coping, and my kids being upset is too much for me, everyone around me is overwhelmed too but I can't see that my responses are affecting everyone else because my insight is so poor. I say this with sincere care, see a psychiatrist for medication review, get frequent psychotherapy, exercise daily and get pathology to check your bloods, vitamins, minerals, enzymes and histamines are balanced. Stabilise yourself and you may find these escalated situations resolve.
I found it much simpler to have my kids in formal care when they were little and I was working or simply going out for coffee and shopping. Keep family as family, only see them when you have to ie Christmas, birthday etc
My first born went to a day care centre, my 2nd a day care centre then a family day carer, then a local mum who I paid cash, my 3rd a different family day carer. My kids have autism so old school parenting doesn’t cut it.
My ex MIL is a narcissist, my ex FIL and his wife would do the yell n smack “my house my rules” type thing, so my kids were minded by them on the very rare occasion
Now I live 2000km away from family. They’re not all bad. My kids are teens now. We make our own family whereever we live. Work as a team with your husband. I’m betting that your depression will improve if you’re not walking back into the lions den (parents home) ????
See a counselor regularly and deal with FOO stuff