I don't even know where to start this, so here we go. Just on a month ago, my partner of 12yrs, married for nearly 8, with 4 kids, told me that he doesn't love me anymore. It was out of the blue for me. We've had our ups and downs over the years. I haven't always liked him, but I have always loved him. So I have been a broken mess. I go from being strong and fuck tough to being broken and sobbing. We are currently separated under the same roof, he's living downstairs. This is killing me. He is trying to save up for a bond, can't get assistance with this as we own our house (mortgage). So I just have to wait for that to happen. This is killing me. I love him and I want him. But he doesn't want me. Our kids don't know yet. How do I stop loving this man??? How do I breath and function everyday? The idea of him ever being with another person makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. He says there is no chance of working it out, wont fo to counseling, says we've been working at it for years and we shouldn't have to. He is shut off and cold. How do I afford life as a single mum to 4 little kids, working part time, trying to afford the mortgage and the bills? I have done a the centrelink stuff already. Its going to be tight as shit. All the Hope's and dreams I had for our future have just been destroyed. The home renos that we were about to start have all had to stop. Our house is pretty crap as it is and needs a lot of work. I cant afford these on my own. I will have primary care of the kids, he'll have them every second weekend when he moves. We wouldn't even have our house if it wasn't for my mum helping with the deposit. I don't know where to go or what to do.....
7 Replies
That’s a lot to answer so I’m just going to focus for now on the first part - that he said he doesn’t love you anymore. My husband and I had been to marriage counseling ages ago and The very first thing our councillor said was ‘do you both love each other because if the answer is yes , every marriage is salvageable with work and without love , even just by one person , is nothing’ .
You’ll never be able to change his feelings if he means them . So now that that part isn’t there on his side , it’s time for you to take a step forward sorting out everything else . It’s fucking hard love , I know . But being in a loveless marriage is worse .
Sending you light and love .
Kick his arse out pronto. Screw that separate under one roof BS! He can instantly say he doesn't love you anymore yet your Mum helped with your deposit. Hit the road Jack!
You can do it, first you got to think of yourself and your babies. And remember he will never have anyone as good as you. Ask your family for help if you need it but don't lose hope.
1. Kick him out, he can go and couch surf somewhere else.
2. Get a care plan for a psychologist, you will need a neutral listening ear while you process the life changes.
3. Stop thinking about what you thought you may have in the future, that is hypothetical and the easiest way to sink into a depression. Stop thinking like that, your life is changing. Start embracing it and refer back to step 2, in getting some tools to help you navigate that change.
4. Stop listening to people telling you how hard things are going to be, your life is only as hard as you make it, accept you will feel sad, angry depressed, but in no way is this hard, you can do this. This being life.
5. Claim child support.
6. Reassess the situation once all this is established.
You got this you are amazing and you deserve someone who loves you.
Either kick him out now or stop doing anything for him around the house. He wants to be single, he can look after himself.
This is so similar to my story. 2 years on and I’m ok. But he has to go. My ex stayed 2 months and it’s hell and you cannot stop healing. He can stay with a friend.
Sorry to say it; but prepare yourself that there may already be someone else. There was with me and also in almost every case I have heard of where the man leaves
Kick him out. You can't start to heal and move on until he does! It takes time, I was with my ex husband for a similar amount of time to you, and it took a good year before I was okay with thinking of him with someone else! Get quality people around you for support and love and like others have said claim child support.
Stop thinking about what you're future plans were and start thinking about what your new future can look like.
Yes, this is a really SHIT situation. Will it break you, NO.
Will it be tough financially, absolutley.
Only one person can get you put of this now, that's you. If you want to improve your earning potential go back and get your degree. Loads of mature age, single parents at uni. You can do it part time.
Time to stand on your own two feet, grieve the marriage and a future you had planned and start planning for a new and improved future.
Step one needs to be desperate houses. Sell the house and both move forward.
Try and be civil for the kids. I grew up in a separated situation where parents hated each other and it still impacts me today.
Good luck mumma, you can do this.