Hi Ladies,
I need advice on how to speak to my 13 year old son about his new girlfriend and some of the messages she sends him. She says that she is going to hurt herself all the time and seems to be fishing for him to reply “no don’t do it” etc... I am pretty certain she isn’t serious with any of her threats, but what do I tell him to do/say when she says these things.
I feel torn because I don’t want to say that I snooped through his messages (I have told him in the past that I am entitled to look through his phone at any time if I feel there is a valid reason!), but I feel like these messages were very private and so feel like I have over stepped. Also some of the things they are saying to each other a pretty full on and I want to address that with him too.
Son’s first girlfriend!
Son’s first girlfriend!
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
9 Replies
So my little brother recently had his first relationship
There’s a 15 year difference between us
His girlfriend was doing all that too and I didn’t want to seem like I was prying or looking through his stuff while he is at school he lives with us
So I spoke to him about health relationships, and also about unhealthy ones. We talked about how some people used emotions to get a reaction out of someone and that’s not healthy. We also discussed what we should do in those situations
When it came to the end of the relationship he didn’t like what she was doing to him with the whole I’m gonna hurt myself and if you leave me it’s your fault. (Of course it wouldn’t be his fault we can’t control someone else’s mental health)
I went to her parents a few days before he broke up with her and said what was happening and what my brother was feeling and could they keep an eye out for their daughter. He broke up with her, she called him all sorts of names and then the next day was in a new Relationship
My brother said it was good to talk about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships
Great, yes I was thinking of a similar approach so it’s great to hear from some one who has been through it.
Thank you! I am glad your brother saw the “light” and got out of this toxic situation : )
Don't feel like you've crossed a line - this is the exact stuff we as parents should be looking out for. This is heavy stuff for a 13 year old kid, hell, that's heavy for anyone!
He definitely needs some guidance here, I'd start with:
Healthy vs unhealthy relationships.
Knowing when and how to say no.
Unhealthy Dependency.
Manipulation.
Understanding that he's not responsible for anyone's happiness.
Remembering he's still his own person.
I'd even touch on mental health here.
I think the most important thing for young people to learn is that relationships are not meant to be full of drama and stress and it's not their job to 'look after' this new love interest and that being in a relationship is meant to feel good for both people.
I love this! Thank you! Ugh! This parenting gig is hard work haha...
Give him some information on manipulation / emotional manipulation. Some kind of flyer with info he can keep in mind to come to his own conclusions.
Or talk about situations so he can hear/overhear, basically modeling how and why it's wrong and what you can do about it.
I think mention you saw it and ask if he needs help? Is he worried about her and feels responsible to keep her safe? If it leads into a conversation about emotional manipulation that's fine, but you need to check he is OK first.
Thanks for the reply... I spoke to him yesterday after school and mentioned I had read a few of their msg’s and asked if he was ok, that it must be tough for him when some one he cares about is saying these things etc and we had a really great talk : )
I feel a lot better about it all now!
Good on you. Hard conversation for you to start. And hard for a teenage boy to openly respond. You must have a good relationship xxx
Thanks for the reply... I spoke to him yesterday after school and mentioned I had read a few of their msg’s and asked if he was ok, that it must be tough for him when some one he cares about is saying these things etc and we had a really great talk : )
I feel a lot better about it all now!