We have the power to stop I!

This is something I wrote 4 years ago, to get all the hurt and anger out. Warning it's a long one, and ladies you DO DESERVE BETTER!!!

I believed you when you said you'd never hurt me, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, so with those words we decided to try for a baby.
We fell pregnant pretty quick and you were so happy about it. You went to every appointment, every ultrasound, everything!
When he was born I sat there watching you hold your second child, and say to him that you would always protect him and that he and his brother were your world.

Things weren't easy for us after he was born, it was one tragedy after another. A death, a broken ankle, and us not being us any more.
The first time I caught you smoking weed I forgave you, the first time you hid it and I found out I still forgave you. The first time you went out and didn't come home, I forgave you, then as it became more often it was harder to forget. The first fine I found for possession I was angry, but forgave you.

Then the night came when I lost our second baby, you seemed so angry and upset, I got that, so I forgave you. Then when I thought the cyst on my ovary was bursting and you had taken off because we'd had a fight was the last straw. You wouldn't come home, you wouldn't answer your phone, you were too busy with another woman.
That was unforgivable.
You seemed to feel like a jerk when we found out I was actually having an ectopic pregnancy and the pain was my tube bursting, allowing my abdomen to fill with blood, something that almost cost me my life.
I spent 5 days in hospital, had emergency surgery, and where were you? Where were my children? You were with her, and my children were with your parents.
Things seemed to get worse when I found our car missing one morning. You'd 'ran out of petrol', when you left there was half a tank. I walked to the car and found a crack pipe in it, which I threw away, along with the bags of stuff I found in there. Then the threatening voice mails you left, saying you'd ring child protective services and blame me for everything in the car, that was the final straw, I knew I was done.
I can honestly say my birthday that year was the worst day, you ended things between us so you could have your other woman over, you ended things because you had spent all our money on drugs, alcohol and her so you couldn't afford to buy me a present.

For the next year you played with my heart saying you wanted me back, but I had found out I had an STD, one that YOU gave me, one that caused me to lose our baby.But your excuse "You must have caught that from a toilet seat" wasn't the answer I needed.
In that year we fell pregnant again, and again I lost it, you pretended to be sad about it, but in reality you were happy.

Then the day came when you hit me for the first time, you hit me with my son being able to see it.
You thought it was okay to hurt me, and didn't even think how he would react?!

For two-three months after he would wake up at least three times a night screaming out for me, making sure I was still there, making sure I wasn't hurt, hoping you weren't there.
Then it happened again! You said you would never do that again to me, you lied. And again he saw it all.

His nightmares started again, and he started saying thing to everyone who would listen to him what his Daddy did to his Mummy! Does that make you feel good? Does that make you feel like a real man?

The final time I saw you, the final time MY son saw you, you tried to smash my car window and send me death threats because for ONE DAY you couldn't put your latest girlfriend to the side, to spend time with your son, a son you hadn't seen in 3.5 months by that time. Her and her kids came before your own.

That was the last time I allowed you to scar MY child. That's exactly what you've done, you've scared him! He is terrified of you, and even though I have the right to bad mouth you I don't. Even though you don't believe that, I don't.
It's been 20 months sine you've seen him, He started kindy this year, did you know that? He's seen other kids with their dads and ask's me why they have such good dad's and his dad isn't a nice person.

I do not know what to tell him, I don't want to tell him the truth, that his dad is a drop kick junkie, who's been arrested for possession. An alcoholic, a man who cannot clean his home, a home that we once shared together, that is now so disgusting that the police themselves have said to me anything I've left there I wouldn't want anyway.

A man who wouldn't fight for his son in court. You fought for your first son, why was MY son any different? Why wasn't he worth the fight? I do thank you for that though, you've made it easy for me to keep him safe and happy, something that I don't believe would have been this easy if you were still apart of his life.
He tells me he hates you and that you aren't his dad any more, to which I reply EVERY TIME with "It's ok to be angry with Daddy, but you can love him if you want too, just because Mummy is angry with him, it doesn't mean you have to be as well."
But it never makes a difference.
You also decided to be a jerk and stop all access between the kids. It was 19 months between my son seeing his brother, and the only reason we saw him again was because of his mother. She's clearly not as bad as you made her out to be.

I just wanted to let you know what you've caused, how much of your mess I've had to clean up, and how much all your behaviour and lies have affected the child you wanted so much.
I hope one day you realise that I'm not the bad person you make me out to be, I'm the one who's put her entire life on hold to look after such an amazing little boy, who's looking more and more like you every day, but thankfully doesn't act like you.
I hope one day, he finds you and tells you exactly how much pain you've caused him and how Mummy was the one there to pick up the pieces.
Thank you for MY son, and thank you for showing me that we both deserve better than you.