Another day, another alleged sexual harassment case in the media. I'm not here to speculate on that or any other case but I am here to address something!
When these cases reach the media and the whole "me too" movement, it brings up the same questions and statements from people time and time again:
"Why did she wait so long to speak up? She just wants a payout"
"If some man groped me I would scream and punch him in the face! She said she froze so she basically allowed it to happen. I don't believe her".
Now, I don't speak for every victim of such crimes but I do have some personal insights for these questions.
1. How you think you'll react in these situations and how you actually react is usually very different.
When I was 13 or 14, my little brother (around 6 years old) and my step brother (about 16) were play fighting and wrestling, it was all a bit of fun, we were all happily joining in. For whatever reason my little brother left the room and my step brother forcibly pinned me on the couch and pushed his erect penis up against my bum.
Before I had enough time to even register what had just happened he'd got off, laughed and went off on his way.
I froze. I could have fought him off I suppose and if someone had asked me before hand how I would have reacted I probably would have said I'd knee him in the sack and give him a piece of my mind BUT I froze, it wasn't a conscious decision but that's how it unfolded.
I'm not sure why I never told anyone about this but it was probably embarrassment and fear. Just because I haven't spoken about it for 20 years does not mean it didn't happen or that it didn't effect me!
2. Women don't speak up because they are conditioned not to.
A few years after my first incident mentioned above I was at my boyfriend's house where his parents were having a bit of a piss up. I thought this was so cool because his parents were super relaxed and let us 2 under aged kids drink and hang out with the adults. A few hours later one of my father in laws married friends started getting a little handsy, I sort of blew it off, i would move away from him etc but finally he started making me really uncomfortable when he groped my backside and crotch.
I told my boyfriend this was happening and he told me "Don't say anything, he's drunk and it'll just start a fight. Just stay away from him" so that's what I did, i stayed quiet to protect the drunk men from getting physical and earning the label for myself as a trouble maker.
I also reluctantly told my mum about this, I was grounded and ended up in so much trouble. She made me feel like it was my fault because I'd been drinking and that because I put myself into this situation I almost deserved it and that I was lucky that I didn't receive worse. She told my dad and my nan how stupid I was and I got lectured off them too! These lectures just reinforced the idea that it was MY responsibility to protect myself from drunk men, because they can't control themselves and that's just how it is...
As the years went by, I experienced many more situations like this, in public, at school but especially at my boyfriend's house but I had just learnt that speaking up = drama, being shamed and blamed, not being beleived and labelled a slut or a liar and ultimately, I was too scared to speak up out of fear of the retribution and I felt like that would all be my fault!
I think at some point I just accepted that being groped or touched against my will, having sexually explicit things said to me and all this stuff was just part of being a woman. Things I could do very little about so why make a fuss?
It took me many years to realise that I should have spoken up much sooner and that I should be safe to do that!
I wish people just understood that women just want to be respected, we want to feel safe, we aren't out to demonize every man on the planet and we know some men are victims too.
It's not just men who need an attitude shift, so many people think this is a gendered issue but I disagree. It's up to everyone in society to make a real change here, it's up to us all to change our views and raise the next generation of kids with different ideals and with the very simple concept of consent, accountability and respect!
12 Replies
Agree to an extent.
Your a victim - stop being the victim and start speaking out so other women don’t become victims. Get these guys behind bars, get them with a bad reputation.
If we all keep being victims - they will keep being perpetrators.
In the mean time, teach your children consent, teach them right and wrong. Encourage them to speak up - stand up and put up a fight. I’m teaching my children this and they always know I’m there in their corner to back them up.
Im not a victim because I didn't speak up, more women won't continue to be victimised because the women before them didn't speak up. Women will continue to be sexually assaulted and harassed because some men think it's ok. Period!
I get what you're saying, victims not coming forward is a problem but what I was trying to get across is that there are so many reasons why they dont:
Justice is rarely served and often perpetrators don't face full responsibility for their actions!
Perpetrators are often free to and do go on to commit these crimes again!
Victims are scrutinized, often unfairly!
Victims are blamed!
Victims are often not believed, especially if there's no physical evidence or the crime was committed a long time ago!
Some times people are just too damn embarrassed to come forward!
Sometimes they don't even realise until many years later that what happened to them was significant enough to report!
These things all need to change so that women do feel empowered enough to speak out about the sexual harassment or abuse they have encountered!
And you’re a victim blamer. Fuck off!
Why do women have to teach? Get the fucking rapey men to stop raping. Get the men to respect women
I work in a very male orientated industry and call men out constantly. They hate it and try and put it back on me. Luckily I am the boss and I am a fiesty strong woman - but it still makes me feel like I might be wrong to stand up. I remind my husband all the time that things go wrong because good men do nothing - but he finds it harder than me to call work colleagues out on inappropriate behaviour/language. I even catch him joining in when he thinks there's no women around. I think he is one of the good guys but the social norms for this are just so strong, they really find it hard to close the crap down. The only man I have witnessed close this crap down is my older brother, and he does it in no uncertain terms. Makes me so proud!
That's exactly it, the good guys do find it hard to speak up too because it is so ingrained in the culture!
My partner was complaining about a sexist guy he works with, I asked him if he said anything - it took him aback because it hadn't actually occurred to him to pull him up! He reported him to management the next day and he was fired but I just think a lot of men don't really think about it because they've never had to!
You see, I agree and disagree. What you describe is not OK. But some women are so ridiculous they forget humour. And some men are so scared say something wrong you can't have a relaxed conversation with them. Meanwhile women objectify and grab men and no one says a thing. And you go on about all the reason women don't speak up... Yet a child acknowledges their abuse has affected them and mums on here accuse her (a child) of using her experience like some kind of trump card to get what she wants. People are often so polarised in their views we've forgotten how to act appropriately and sometimes have a joke in jest.
I get what you're saying, some women get hit on at a bar and cry sexual harassment and I get that because of that some guys are put off even starting a conversation with a woman for fear of being accused of something sinister BUT these women are few and far between!
Most women are intelligent enough to distinguish between a dude that's just trying to flirt or hook up (which as we all know is not a crime) and a someone else who's acting in a predatory and disrespectful way.
That said, there are things that are no longer appropriate to joke about. Once upon a time slapping a woman on the arse was considered a joke, women now speak up and say "you know what, we actually don't like that please don't do it" and some people carry on like we lost our sense of humor instead of accepting that ots just not ok anymore...
People who trivialize this issue are part of the problem too!
I also acknowledged that men are victims of this as well and I find that equally abhorrent, and i would call out any woman i see behaving in such a way! Anyone who has been a victim of abuse, assault and harrassment of any kind should be able to come forward but there are so many things that stop them!
The child abuse post I believe you're referring to appalled me as well, and made it very clear people seriously do not understand abuse, I'm just not entirely sure how that relates to my post?
It relates because women get blamed for not speaking up and blamed when they do. And I'm not referring to inappropriate 'jokes' I'm talking about things actually said in jest... I. E. Sarcasm, irony... The same way there are jokes about men.
Right... Well, either way i wasnt referring to jokes, sarcasm or irony because those things are subjective and not illegal but yeah i get you, some people can be just a bit sensitive these days.
I was just saying from my experiences why I think some women don't come forward and like you said you're damned if you do, damned if you don't and it's bloody shit!
For me it's shame. I was never helped to deal with it and in some ways ridiculed by some family members over it (suffered incestual abuse from age 8). Over time it stopped but I found myself in situations where I was subject to harrassment or inappropriate touching. I'm a learn from your lessons kind of chick. I stopped going to adults for comfort as a child. I couldn't stop walking after I was grabbed in a park (mid teens) but I walked armed with a switchblade. There's more but you get the idea. I don't talk about those times as its a reminder of being weak and vulnerable, of being a laughing stock to those that should have protected me or could have helped me. These days I work in an industry that is top heavy with men, lots of female employees just not many in higher roles. Over the past 15 odd years I can't fault the men I've worked with for their behavior towards me, it may be as much those old lessons and my subsequent no bullshit attitude but there have been no instances of abuse, harrassment or inuendo.
When I was in high school one of my teachers touched my breasts, i spoke up and was treated horribly by my parents and the school saying i was wrecking his career....that has always stayed in my mind so years later when a guy i knew forced himself on me i didnt speak out because of the backlash i originally got. Still havent spoken out so i can understand why sometimes people do not speak out.
As a victim of a sexual assault in my 30s I can understand why women dont speak out.
My sexual assault occured on the premises of a government organisation where majority of it is male dominated.
I had a male grope me infront of other men whom laughed and joked about it. It all happened so quickly I had no idea how to react. But i didnt once hold off on making a formal complaint to hierarchy and yhe police. In the last 12months i have been targeted and bullied by his friends. Have had a huge hate group cause me nothing but trouble. Now finally after 12 months of fighting he was found guilty. We now await his sentencing date. Its traumatic, emotional, you feel damn lonely and doubt all the time. It creates huge insecurities.
Iam not strong but I was determined to make sure it never happened to anyone else.