Tonight I found in my fiancee's phone that he has been looking up escorts in our area. I confronted him about it and he said yes he did look it up but he never went and would never do it. He said he was just looking as He said he feels unloved by me and that i have not been paying him any attention. I do admit I havnt been giving him much attention. I have a 4 month old baby and a 4 year old and the last thing I think about when I go to bed is having sex. I'm exhausted by the end of the day and I get hardly any help from him as he works all day. I was very hurt when I seen what he was looking at...more so hurt that he was thinking of getting it from someone else. I told him he should have spoken to me about how he was feeling but he said there was no use. He begged me not to leave and told me how much he loves me and his kids. I told him if he truely loved me he wouldn't have searched escorts. I have no idea what to do..I can't just get up and leave as i have no where to live with my kids and I couldn't afford the rent on my own..I'm currently on maternity leave. What would all you people do?
15 Replies
It’s very hurtful that he did that, however he’s been very honest to you and actually didn’t do it. I personally look up similar stuff when I’m trying to get off but wouldn’t act upon it :) I think you’re over reacting just a little bit, give yourself a day or two to cool off and I think you’ll realise it’s not worth throwing a relationship away after.
Cheating would be cheating, however at least he’s wa looking for the safest most meaningless option as opposed to a random girl
I think you have every right to be hurt and upset. He got caught.... I don’t no what I’d do but I no I would’ve lost trust in him. Even though he was honest. No helpful advice but i feel for you.
I call his bullshit. Blaming You!! No use talking to You? Actually fixing anything? His solution is selfish. To take care of himself.
I would kick him out. Make him work to be part of your family and your relationship. It sounds like you have a lot of things that need to change if you want to change course here. Mostly his attitude and what he does day to day to keep you happy and lower your stress and make your household run happily, not just worrying about getting himself off.
This!
Dude... So much yes to every thing you just said!!
This is incredibly selfish on you husbands part. Whilst you are adjusting to having a newborn he is worried about his own particular body part and pleasing himself. Of course you dont feel like sex it took me a good 18months at least to return to normal.
I think I would probably seek some marriage councilling otherwise I think as hard as it is with a new born I would probably seriously consider leaving I doubt i would have the trust there anymore.
I can’t fathom the idea of using the “I’m tired” excuse to not be loving towards the man in my life. With my ex I’d use the im tired line. I was tired. I was tired of his shit, the name calling, the abuse (mental and emotional) occasionally physical, I was tired of being the cook, cleaner, being his mum, being his children mum and not getting any support, I was tired of not being supported or the fact he wouldn’t show me affection, I was tired. With my new partner I brought in my kids from my previous relationship, I never use I’m tired. I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder/in his lap. I fall asleep whilst we cuddle and straight after sex. We brought our shared child into the world. I still make time for him. I work when he needs me to on our property, I help him out when he needs it. But I’m never too tired to hug him once my kids go to bed.
Your partner although did the wrong thing is feeling unloved. He is probably feeling left out because you are too busy to bring him in, too busy to put him first. I don’t know how he treats you but you haven’t mentioned anything bad except the searching for an escort thing. Which if my partner did it I’d be pissed but even with 4 kids (a couple with disabilities and a toddler) I still ensure I have time for a shag with the man in my life that looks after me and supports us. So many times have women used the I’m tired (it can mean so many things) but the reality is. No matter how tired we are we make an effort for the one we love. To keep our relationships strong. So many relationships fail because neither party knows how to communicate. I’m not going to say leave your partner/nor am I going to say he was right to do what he did. But I am going to say that you both need to communicate. No matter how busy two people are. If they love each other they’ll make time for each other. I only figured this out after my previous relationshit. If you’re not willing to have sex with him go and buy him a hand held vagina for him to masturbate with and come tto an agreement or even plan sexy time ie your 4 year old should have a set bedtime by now and there’s got to be times where your baby sleeps and your partner is home. Schedule it. Your relationship is that important (I know sex isn’t everything before anyone has a dig) but our relationships are. Everyone has the right to feel loved by their partner every day.
While I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, sometimes the “I’m tired” also means she’s feeling touched out. And touched out and a strong feeling of gtfo. Especially with the 4 month old, who could possibly still be breastfeeding.
Like you said though, it has to come from both ways, and both need more communication on their part.
I’m an escort worker . I’ve been one for 18 yrs . I started young . I am happily married and yes my husband knows . I was already working as an escort before we met . From an escorts perspective let me tell u that it’s extremely rare for men in relationships to fall in love with an an escort , and we most certainly have no feelings for them either. , it’s purely business . I prefer to see clients who are single but married men always slip through the cracks. I know it’s the sex you are referring to , and not actual love as there is none as a business perspective only. Married men who see us do so for variety or because they aren’t getting it at home , and it’s not the wife’s fault by any means , I just want u to know that if he’s searching for escorts , yes it’s devastating, but he isn’t going to get what he requires from an escort because most married men feel incredibly guilty afterwards and realise it’s not all it’s cracked up to be . On a love level, you are one hundred percent safe . On a sex level , he will regret it pretty fast . That I promise you . Married clients are so much different to single clients . Take it from a professional escort, he is going to be extremely guilty if he does do it and usually married men will almost always never return because they realise that all they ever loved was right under their nose at home.
I don’t know...thinking out loud....but to me thoughts are like feelings, they don’t make you a bad/guilty person, what makes you guilty is if you act on them. He didn’t act on them, I would use it as a wake up call that your relationship needs work. Kids will always be there, housework, work outside the home, you can use all the excuses in the world but you have to nurture your relationship too. Your relationship needs to be one of your priorities. This is coming from a divorced person. When I had a child, my ex became like a room mate, he didn’t want to nurture the relationship at all, it was all about the child, I became the mother and it really hurt. Our relationship broke down unfortunately, don’t let it happen to you.
Do not marry him!!! You could do it on your own. When I became a single Mum I was also on Maternity leave with a 6 month old and almost 3 year old, we got a rental. Go to Centrelink and ask about PPS, FTB also. You may get child Support too. Red flags now will only increase in time.
He didn't cheat, he looked yes, but its not cheating. You both sound like you need some love. When kids nap take time to reconnect - hold hands on the couch even can make a huge difference. Unless he is a selfish dick in otherways that you haven't mentioned, start communicating better to eachother & reconnect.
Oh no just no.. been there infidelity.. when pregnant and then after uhhhhh tried to move on with him ! Then found escort searches !
I physically now can no other even after all the years of trying .. looking at him makes me sad mad and sorry for the lousy man I chose ! It sure is an addiction and there is always more be it porn pharma meds selfishness and I always blame myself, until I looked at my kids one day and myself and said no more !
It's a process they cant help themselves nor do so they want to ! It boils down to lack of morals and we as woman need to give it up and walk away its very hard and confusing and I have been to so many counsellors and physiologists and I still do not get it BUT get out now before you loose yourself put it down to bad judgement bad parenting on his parents behalf but leave him get strong , misery is all you have known if you look closely and misery is all you will get !
They cant see reason good luck
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