Relationships

Anonymous

Relationships

Too confused and exhausted
to think clearly.

Hubby has been sick for over a decade. He’s on a fair bit of pain medication under the care of a GP and specialist. We have three kids. I am his carer.

So, after years and years of him not really doing anything to get his health under any kind of control, mood swings and the ups and downs of seeing “him” and then him disappearing again to be constantly sleeping, in pain or out of action.

There have been good times. I love him. I don’t want to abandon him.

At the same time we have lost our friends and we are falling apart as I have had enough.
Three professionals have identified him as manipulative, narcissistic and abusive. They have reassured me that I am not the reason why people have stayed away. Someone described him as being very demanding during some time they spent with us. Almost as if he sucked the life out of them.

I want to leave, but I want to stay. The doc says he is either going to die young or have a major medical event that either kills him or completely incapacitates him.

I have given him my life all these years. I don’t regret it. But I wonder how to leave and I wonder how to stay.

I know no one can tell me to stay or go, it’s a choice I have to make. My kids have been through so much trauma for their young years. I fear what would happen if I left and how they would cope.

This isn’t the full story of us. There is too much and would identify me to readily. Suffice it to say these many years have been very hard, traumatic and trying. I don’t think I have the capacity to fight another battle (either staying or going).

I also wonder how to leave. What happens to my kids mental health if I leave? They have supports in place but I don’t know if I can help them through, or if they will simply hate me for going. They’d have to come with me as he can’t look after them for more than two hours. I’d not stop them from being with him either.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care

9 Replies

Loryn Rennie

While you stay in this situation your kids are feeling your pain.
Should you decide to leave ; your children will most likely feel a sense of relief to see that you are on a better place. . They will start to feel better ad well .
For a start go & see a counsellor or your GP to get help with finding the direction you need to take & what steps to tske first .
ONE STEP at a time . Sending you BIG HUGS

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Anonymous

I've been living this for about 4 years, I can't imagine how you have survived all this time. I too am at breaking point and am making plans to leave. You can't help people who won't help themselves. Get some support from your GP, a Counselor, your best friend, to work through what the best choice for you is, and then either way, make plans to live your life the best way you can. Sending strength and kind thoughts for your journey.

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Anonymous

(OP here). If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your situation? Has your guy become horrid for all the pain and medication?

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Anonymous

Not horrid, as in violent, angry to me, etc. But totally self-centred, irresponsible, disconnected. Complains all the time that he can't do 'whatever' but does nothing to improve his situation. Can find mobility when it suits him, but not for work or me. Expects me to carry everything and more, and wonders why it's all falling apart... We don't have kids at home, they are grown up and left, so parenting is not an issue. But we run a business and I'm at my wits end trying to be everything there as well as at home... I've got to the stage that I'm doing what's expected rather than because I love him. Very sad...

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Anonymous

This I understand. That basically my guy, except that he’s let himself go so much that he cannot care for himself either. Barely gets to the loo, can’t drive safely, won’t get himself food unless we are all asleep. Only seems to get up and walk around when there’s no one there to see him, then Tells us about it later. Yelled at me the other day because he didn’t get toast as we’d run out of bread. So tiring.
Did you give your the chance to seek help? By that I mean did you warn him you’d leave if things didn’t improve?

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Anonymous

Yes I gave him deadlines and I allowed him to not meet them and kept picking up the pieces. What finally made me understand was - if you are gone he has to find support and learn to function, at whatever level that is.

So why do they not do that with their partner there to support. Their full-time job needs to be rehabilitation - active, proactive rehabilitation. You can't improve his mobility or attitude, just as no-one can loose weight for you, or stop you smoking, etc.

I can be my best by not engaging in the victim mentality. That's my journey. You'll need to find the strength to make your journey what you KNOW is best for your kids and yourself. Good luck

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Anonymous

Get supports around you first and then leave with the kids (if that's what you decide to do). Kids are extremely resilient and will no doubt be happy having a good life with you where you can spend more time with them. Well done for not falling apart already, this would be super tough for you! All the best!

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Anonymous

The most important thing for your kids is to see u happy and looking after yourself. Do u think they are happy in the situation? If you can’t leave for you, leave for them. Show them that it is possible to change a bad situation, that you don’t lie down and accept toxic behaviour, that you and they deserve happiness and will fight for it. You’ve given 10 yrs of your life to this, are you going to give the rest of it? Where are u going to be when the kids grow up - broken and alone? Go to a counsellor and get past the fear and inertia of making changes, and go show your kids how to lead a better life before they model this and end up with the same deal as adults. Big love, you got this, you won’t regret it and will look back and wonder how you ever questioned this decision xox

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Anonymous

The most important thing for your kids is to see u happy and looking after yourself. Do u think they are happy in the situation? If you can’t leave for you, leave for them. Show them that it is possible to change a bad situation, that you don’t lie down and accept toxic behaviour, that you and they deserve happiness and will fight for it. You’ve given 10 yrs of your life to this, are you going to give the rest of it? Where are u going to be when the kids grow up - broken and alone? Go to a counsellor and get past the fear and inertia of making changes, and go show your kids how to lead a better life before they model this and end up with the same deal as adults. Big love, you got this, you won’t regret it and will look back and wonder how you ever questioned this decision xox

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