Too confused and exhausted
to think clearly.
Hubby has been sick for over a decade. He’s on a fair bit of pain medication under the care of a GP and specialist. We have three kids. I am his carer.
So, after years and years of him not really doing anything to get his health under any kind of control, mood swings and the ups and downs of seeing “him” and then him disappearing again to be constantly sleeping, in pain or out of action.
There have been good times. I love him. I don’t want to abandon him.
At the same time we have lost our friends and we are falling apart as I have had enough.
Three professionals have identified him as manipulative, narcissistic and abusive. They have reassured me that I am not the reason why people have stayed away. Someone described him as being very demanding during some time they spent with us. Almost as if he sucked the life out of them.
I want to leave, but I want to stay. The doc says he is either going to die young or have a major medical event that either kills him or completely incapacitates him.
I have given him my life all these years. I don’t regret it. But I wonder how to leave and I wonder how to stay.
I know no one can tell me to stay or go, it’s a choice I have to make. My kids have been through so much trauma for their young years. I fear what would happen if I left and how they would cope.
This isn’t the full story of us. There is too much and would identify me to readily. Suffice it to say these many years have been very hard, traumatic and trying. I don’t think I have the capacity to fight another battle (either staying or going).
I also wonder how to leave. What happens to my kids mental health if I leave? They have supports in place but I don’t know if I can help them through, or if they will simply hate me for going. They’d have to come with me as he can’t look after them for more than two hours. I’d not stop them from being with him either.