Man Child or not?

Anonymous

Man Child or not?

Hello IMs,
I’m wondering if my partner is a man child or just a typical man and how you all deal with living with it?!
My partner works full time and I work school hours. I have children that aren’t his but he treats them as his own.
I’m just wondering if it is typical of a man to show no initiative to think about their surroundings, other people they live with and any family organisation/planning?
I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, errands and organising the kids and he still likes me to organise his clothes, appointments and shopping. All decisions also fall to me.
He only eats with us when he feels like it, leaves everything absolutely everywhere, keeps no routine for the kids at all, is always late, spends hours playing his xbox when I leave chores for him, takes a very long time to do anything, excludes himself from family activities, goes out randomly without saying anything and just doesn’t think about how anything he does impacts others.
Yet at the same time he is a loving, loyal, generous, accepting, quiet, good man. He supports my decisions and asks to be told what to do.
So, I’m wondering if this is a typical male and how do you all live with it?!...

26 Replies

Anonymous

No it is NOT a typical male thing! Sounds like his a spaced out lazy person who u should get rid of coz u deserve better!

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Anonymous

Sounds like he still sees himself as single in some ways

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Anonymous

This is what I feel. He is an only child and has spent many adult years just travelling for work too.

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Anonymous

But depending on how long you've been together I'm not sure I have an issue with that. He's not going to jump into full parenting responsibility straight away. They aren't his kids.

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Anonymous

picking up after yourself and making your own decisions is not parenting, that’s adulting

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Anonymous

Not typical at all. Partner describes an action. A partner is someone who works in partnership with you. What you have described is a mother child relationship.

RUN

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Anonymous

Not a typical male! My husband works a 60 hour week most weeks plus has a 1.5hr commute one way but walks thru the door rolls up his sleeves and gets into helping run our little family whether that is coordinating dinner baths bedtime or tidying up.

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Anonymous

That is how I envision how I would like things.

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Anonymous

Eww he got a mum not a girlfriend. Definitely needs to grow up.

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Anonymous

Sounds like my ex, who was definitely a man child. Although loyal etc you definitely have a man child on your hands. He could also be on the spectrum but I am going to assume his mummy did all of this for him and he never learnt to be independent.

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Anonymous

I am actually wondering if there’s something else at play,not sure if it’s ASD though.

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Anonymous

Why do we always justify men's shitty behaviour as "typical man" stuff, I'm not having a go at you OP because I'm guilty of doing this too.
Women get absolutely crucified for being mildly lazy (aka taking a well earned break usually), a man does all this and suddenly "Oh, typical man ha ha".
It's such a double standard

Start holding him to a higher standard, stop tolerating his laziness, entitlement, inconsideration and feigned ignorance. His good qualities don't cancel out everything I just mentioned.

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Anonymous

Omg you are so right!

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Anonymous

The bar is set so bloody low for men, it sucks
If a dad takes a kid shopping or changes a nappy he wins a fucking award 🤦‍♀️

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Anonymous

YES!!! This!! I was coming here to say exactly the same thing, Why do men continually friggn get away with crappy half-arse behaviour, laziness, 'forgetfulness', irresponsibility, & computer/games addiction, lack of adulting & parenting (oh he cant handle changing nappies, or cutting babies fingernails, or is too squeamish to attend his little baby's needle injections & the hurt/crying... Etc), a lack of committed teamwork & cooperation ... And there is simply not the conscience or 'guilt trip'' or the requirements/responsibilities in them, & no damn consequences to them either! But also SOO many women tend to just tut & shake their heads in a "oh well so be it, oh that's just men" understanding & accepting way - well no wonder they continue to be so slack & so many marriages & families break up!! NO! If its not right for the Mum/wife to refuse to step up & do these things, or if the man decides what he will & won't do but the wife has to step up & do them all & doesn't have the choice because then Noone will do it, then this is completely taking advantage & being a controlling & immature Non-partner, & Why is it ok for men to be this way & for the sisterhood to encourage each other to accept it & excuse it as 'normal male inadequacies'??! Argh & ugh, lived it 25yrs before getting out, & am so sick of & Over it!

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Anonymous

Going against the grain here.

Because you stated a heap of good things about him, I feel like this is one of those situations where you might need to think more as if “nobody is perfect. And while he has some shitty qualities, how about focus on the positive and slowly start to improve on the negative. Because to be honest, if you left him and found someone else, they would probably turn out to be the same (lazy and blind to things that need to be done) and they probably wouldn’t be loyal, generous ect like he is.

I think too, sometimes it’s hard to change old habits. And you’ve always picked up his slack, so why would he need to change?

If you leave him a list of chores (which I highly encourage because like I said before, some men tend not to see mess ect as we see it), does it really matter how long it takes him to get things done, so long as it’s done? If it matters, give him a reasonable time frame... I often say could you do xyz before tomorrow afternoon and then he has options to when. (I even do this for myself so I’m not really treating him like a child? I’m just delegating and keeping things organised in our busy lives).

I get that sometimes it would be nice for them to take more initiative and just get shit done without you having to ask but like I said, not everyone is perfect. And while he has so many positives, why dwell on this when you can help him improve a little and also just take what’s given.

My advice definitely wouldn’t be “get rid of him” 🙄

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Anonymous

This is what I was thinking. I just need to work on the equal partnership somehow, as it is really effecting me.

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Anonymous

It’s fine to work on things, BUT don’t be that person who writes in again after 4 years and nothing has changed. Set a time limit for change. If he hasn’t made consistent progress in 6 months, move on.
He’s not your fixer upper, and he will only change if he WANTS to and has the same vision as you in regards to how a partner and family work.

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Anonymous

Agree with the poster that says the good qualities don't cancel out the bad. If you can compromise on this, that's your choice. It would be a dealbreaker for me. Being left to carry the whole load alone is not a small flaw.

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Anonymous

And I think it makes me resentful and not see him as a partner which effects our relationship.

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Anonymous

Of course it does! That shit is not sexy! Tell him that. It turns you off them and then intimacy goes. It’s in his best interest to want to change 💑

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Anonymous

This is similar to my situation, however for me it isn't a deal breaker. The mental support, love and loyalty I get from my husband is absolutely enough for me to outweigh some of the negatives. Much like your partner, he asks to be told what to do and I gladly do so. If I do tell him to do things, I give him a timeframe. So rather than leave chores to be done on a specific day, I give him a list of things and write "please complete by Tuesday" and list them in order of importance. This works really well for him, he has ADHD and not that it's an excuse but he just can't handle the whole do it right now situation. Obviously women will disagree with this and not like it, but it works really well for my family.

He is a very loving and doting father, he picks our son up every day after work and comes home and spends time with him (although admittedly this is probably playing Xbox together). I organise all of his medical appointments and do his clothes shopping. It's what works for us particularly money wise too.. as I can suss out good bargains lol.

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Anonymous

How long have you been together? And living together? And have you discussed it with him and let him take responsibility of ways that he can change? My husband used to do a lot of those things but over time and as we've added children to our family we've discussed and adapted and compromised

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Anonymous

You just described my 16 year old.

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Anonymous

How old is this guy? Did he come straight from his mumma’s teat to you? How on earth did this shit come to be? Did he do his fair share initially? Has he never lived alone or with a partner?
All members of a household should be contributing AND making their own decisions! It’s not the bloody 1950s. Set down some new ground rules. Maybe see a couples counsellor to monitor the changes (and keep him on track) Id set a time frame of say 6 months, if he can’t sustain the changes, then see ya later. All he is providing is some dollars and a shit tonne of extra work for you, frustration and heartache. This is not a good relationship, and he is not a good kind loyal man. He’s a fucking lazy selfish slob.

I think you’d be best seeing a psychologist on your own, to work on raising your self worth. I grew up with a single mum (my dad died young) who re-married a man when I was 19, she’d still say that shit that is all too common “he took us on” meaning her and her 4 kids were a burden to this man 🤦‍♀️ Um no, I was the youngest of 4, we all had jobs and lives, my mum worked, owned her own home...
So, please don’t have that attitude that he is doing you and your kids a favor by “taking you on” I’m sure you survived without him and you will again. Any man should be honored to be a part of your amazing family. Don’t think you gotta keep repaying him by being his mummy maid servant doormat

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Anonymous

My husband is worse, works yes but I also work, do all the house work, look after the kids, shop, cook, do his washing, he complains about the house yet wont help. Goes out and plays sport when ever he likes, drinks with friends. I have no life no friends, spend all my time with kids which I dont mind but he spends no time with them. Yells at them instead of talks. Our 3yo wont go near him. I resent him cos of the way he expects me to do everything yet I'm walking on eggshells cos what I do do is not good enough. What I cook is always shit. He calls me horrible names, I cant even go to an appointment with out drama. He is selfish never ever says please or thankyou. I've struggled with my sons behavior and he blames me yet doesn't not help (my son is great now)
I actually think I hate him, but don't know how to escape.

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