Hi mummas.
I'm looking for advice from women who have had or do have children around the 5 years of age. Partly I want to know if this is normal, but I also want to know what I can do to discourage it, because it worries me.
So, my son has a best friend. They have been besties since they first started school together. Anyway, the last few months or so, my son has totally adopted his friends demeanor and the things his friend says. He also has started refusing to do activities he normally likes to do (gym and athletics) because his friend doesn't do them and only wants to do activities his friend does (music and computer games). They don't even do these activities together.
He says things like he wishes he was his friend and wants to be his friend (like literally wants to be his friend). He also no longer likes the same colours or foods, because he wants to like and dislike the same colours and foods as his friend. Since school has returned for term 3, he has been horrendously mean to his younger siblings, and told me tonight it's because his friend doesn't have any brothers, so he doesn't want brothers either! He is also digging his heals in and trying to refuse to do homework, because he is doing really well in maths, but he doesn't want to exceed his friend and wants to stay on the same maths level as him.
I have told him that it's ok to like someone a lot and still be yourself. That you don't have to like and dislike the same things just because you like the person and want to be friends with them. That you still need to be yourself and have your own likes and interests. But my son said no, he wants to be like his friend and wants to be him as well!
Is this normal for a five year old? I feel worried and even sad about it. What are some good ways to discourage it?
5 Replies
Not abnormal. Just keep saying what you are.
5 year olds develop this whole new attitude that shocks you. My son is 5 and the amount of times he crosses his arms and glares at me a day is amazing. And he often pretends to be hulk or captain America and if you interrupt his pretending, gee whizz your in for it! So I can imagine how hard and annoying this pretending to be his friend is.
I'd be firm in discouraging it. Probably even tell him to stop being silly. Follow through with normal discipline when hes mean to his sibilings. Dont let him play computer games, if he complains and says but "insert friends name" plays computer games say well thats fine for him, but your going to athletics!
Your saying the right things in telling him to be himself. He will probably make new friends at school and move on from his best friend.
It's pretty common for kids to pick up their friends mannerisms, behaviours and want to be completely the same as them, for a little while my 7 year old became a carbon copy of her friend (who's 6 going on 16, that was a fun phase 😂).
At 5 years old, they're really just starting to learn how to navigate and understand the dynamics of friendship, so I wouldn't worry just yet. He just trying to figure all this out!
I would encourage him to broaden his friendship circle - particularly with his outside school activities, it'll be good for him to have that separation and to expand his own interests and also it's good for kids to have a group of friends rather than just one friend because they do tend to start relying heavily on that one friend.
Keep explaining to him that you can still be best friends without being the same, you could talk about things that they have in common and things that make them opposite and how fun that is, you could tell your son how we are all unique and how special and important it is to just be ourselves.
Also, I found with my daughter I had to have a hard line and boundaries, having an attitude was a hard line, being rude or mean to her siblings was a hard line, throwing a fit about something her friend could do that she couldn't etc was a hard line. All of these had instant consequences. She soon learned that behaving just like her friend wasn't as much fun as she thought!
She's still easily influenced by her friends but she now knows that there's a limit to what I will allow.
I'd be writing to the principle or whoever does the classes for ur school and ask for them to be separated next year. Some kids at that age don't know how to say NO and just want to please other kids to have friends. Might be an idea to take him to a child psychologist to help him along a bit.
My daughter found a best friend, which was great, but it became too insular. That child being rather a diva, my girl lived the roller coaster of her friend’s moods. I asked the school for them not to be in the same class the next year, and it did her the world of good to interact with other children more. They were in the sa e class again in grade 2, but it was ok by then, as she was still friends with that girl, but not only friends with one