I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable.
My relationship of 4 years has been on the rocks for the last year. We have assets, finances, everything all tied up so there's no "clean break". But I still feel like that's not even what holds me back from leaving. I think I'm just afraid of the grief.
He's just not who I thought he was. We've known each other for years before we got together. He was such a charming guy. He was sweet and loving and giving. But it all feels like it was just a lie.
I find so much about him so frustrating. He's lazy and selfish. The house is constantly trashed because he can't pick up after himself. He's verbally abusive over silly things.
I'm beginning to think that even the "good" about him is all just a means to control me.
He's a daily pot smoker and I've had the battle with him a million times to just at least cut back. We compromised at $100pw, but he can't even stick to that. We currently have $12 to our name to last 4 days because of his habit. He cleans his bong and puts bong water all over my clean dishes, then complains when i say I refuse to do them because I can't stand the smell of the sink.
Our sex life is ridiculous. He used to be generous lover. By far the best I'd ever had but he's become so selfish. He doesn't pay attention whatsoever. I'm unable to orgasm at all because I know he's just in it to finish himself. The whole 3 minutes is all about what is good for him. That's if he even wants to have sex at all lately.
He's a master gaslighter. A good example is the other day. We had the following conversation.
Me: I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm just confused and worried about why every day for at least 2 weeks you've come home 45 mins to 3 hrs late. It's every day. I don't know what's going on, which is what is upsetting me. It's confusing me.
Him: I have not been home that late. If I have been, I'd see why you'd think it's weird but you're just making things up in your head again.
Me: I'm not making it up in my head!
Him: prove it then. Get my phone.
(We go through his location history because Google tracks everything and it shows that he's only been home before 6pm 1x in 3 weeks. He finishes at 5:30 most days and finishes at 4 on others. Even at his 4pm finishes he came home after 6. It takes 7mins to get home)
Me: See, I told you I wasnt imagining things
Him: no you're making it up in your head how long it takes me to get home
Me: I had to pick you up and drop you off for 6 months. I think i know how long it takes.
Him: youre treating me like a child. Youre just like my abusive stepdad. Always trying to control me.
Me: what?! I'm just trying to make sense of what's going on. Your stories aren't adding up, you keep promising me certain things and never coming home for them. I dont know what to think!
Him: stop being so controlling and accusing me of cheating
Me: I'm not accusing you of anything! Thats what i keep saying to you. I dont know what is going on. I dont expect you to rush home every day but I think it's fair to ask why youre late every single day.
Him: I'm not having this conversation with you. You just want me all to yourself and can't handle the fact that I have a life. I spend enough time with you, I should be able to do what i want
Me: i never you said you couldnt or that I wanted you to spend more time with me. I simply asked WHY you're coming home late every day with no explanation?
(He stormed off mumbling about not arguing with me)
He'll so things like that all the time. Everything is "in my head", until i can prove it's not. Then he'll say I've twisted something or just outright attack my character.
But when we're good, we're great. We have a lot of fun and laughs. We do fun things together. He spoils me with gifts and back rubs and does nice things. It's not all bad. It's just not great because of this sort of thing.
Hes even gone so far as threatening to kill me if we ever break up. He "playfully" threatens me with weapons "as a joke" even though I have asked him multiple times not to. He's stalked my work mates, stalked me. He keeps coming out with things about his past that after 4 years I've never known about, like that he's been accused of sexual abuse 2x, but maintains his innocence.
I don't know what I want from posting this here. Some words of encouragement or understanding I guess. I've never had healthy role models to look up to. I dont know what is too much or what is just worth working on. He hasn't become physical with me, I haven't caught him doing anything that's a major deal breaker. I know in one way that this is toxic. But I don't know if it can change or get better. He says that all couples have hardships and that I need to believe that hard work and perseverance will "pay off when we're old and gray". But in the meantime we "need to just enjoy being young", which means he's always hassling me to get on drugs with him. I live a sober life. He knows that. Apparently I'm "more fun when i party".
I moved to the other side of the country for him. I have no family in my life. I have a few grand debt for him. I have little income and need to take care of my pets. I dont want to have to grieve again. I've already lost enough. I feel so trapped. There's so much to break down and work on and deal with.
What am I supposed to do?
11 Replies
He sounds like a tosser. I'd leave. But... The example you gave of gaslighting does sound like you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I work that close to home too but I'm never home that fast. Either because I finished a bit later, had to lock up, was talking to coworkers as we left for the day before we went to our cars... You name it. Nothing significant that I pay attention to but I can easily take 30 to 60 minutes. Like I said though... He smokes pot every day at the expense of everyone else. I'd be out.
To be honest I would take the grief over him as he will not change and this is only going to get worst and I'll tell you why
He knows your scared most likely and will feed you kibbles when he thinks your feeling like leaving and then you will stay as you want that little glimmer of hope the old guy is back, that there is a lie he never was that guy
It will keep getting worse and you need to cut your losses and get out now for your own health
The work thing I totally get ! It is a. Simple explanation he can not answer and then is projecting his immaturity back on you it's called the BLAME GAME
This is the worst because your the problem according to him
Your not exciting enough by not doing drugs, your a nagg because he can't be free to do what he wants, he is free to come ad go as he pleases but if you did it would he even care ??
What I see here is a lot like b I have experienced they do not care they are all the above lazy selfish entitled verbally abusive, emotionally unavailable, useless with money , you never feel good enough for then for reasons I will never know because the are useless men , they treat you like their slave and you own them for their greatness and the minute you try get it together your in the eye of the storm and they will charm you again to keep you it's horrible and. Sad and it's a big thing to get your head around it, and the are usually repeat cheaters of course there so great they can cheat and it's no biggy makes me sick this type of person please get your head around this and for anything at all do it for your future happiness because in a yet you will be more miserable than this if you stay with him
If he does not change nothing changes ! They are liars they pretend and then the mask slowly falls off or they don't care enough anymore about you to pretend it's horrible good luck take the grief any day over men like this I would rather stay single for ever and have piece of mind they drive you insane and have the audacity to blame you for it
I didn't read all your post. But enough to think you should leave. I think you will be better off. A friend that I had for a number of years had a "pot head" husband. When I first met him, he was normal, even though he smoked pot every night. As the years went on he began to have numerous different conspiracy theries and be stuck and obsessed with them, couldn't have a normal conversation with the guy. He will not get better, only worse. Don't know heaps about drugs, but I'm asking others could this guy become addicted to other worse drugs??
Do everything you can to run now. I'd take a little grief now over the lifetime of it he guarantees to bring to the table. Same for the debt, chalk it up to experience and work to pay it off, if you stay it won't be manageable, it will grow to become bankruptingly crippling debt, and that's only if it's legal debt! If he's in debt to dealers it's potentially broken bones and dead pets type debt. Have you heard the old saying "don't let fear hold you back"? If you've lost before you know you survived. If you survived you know you will again.
Oh hun, i really truly feel for you and totally understand your confusion.
Heres the thing, you cant have a relationship based on who he 'used to be' you can only have one with the person he is showing to you now, and if you were to meet him now, would you stay?
Yes hes gaslighting you, im so glad you see it. It sounds like he has some deep issues that he needs to resolve (abusive step dad, drug habit) and the sad truth is that he wont change until he realises theres a problem. Put yourself and your needs first, you absolutely deserve some one who treats you like a queen.
So I'm guessing your a mum as its the imperfect mum forum and what you haven't mentioned is how is this effecting the kids?
I'm guessing some of this behaviour is due to the regular use and amount of pot he consumes. Do some research on the long term effects.
I think if you can get on top of his pot use and manage to get it down to occassional recrational use you may find the relationship is fine underneath it but unfortunately the long term effects of continued excessive use are not good and it begins to effect their everyday life and the way they respond etc.
Do some research, think of how it's effecting you and the kids and maybe look at getting some help for him (although that will be a challenge if he doesn't want it but If you do your research and know what you are talking about you can present the facts to him) and then you can make an informed decision as to whether it is worth standing by him and supporting him through it or walking away.
I could have written this myself. 3 years...... but no pot dependency.. pharmaceuticals instead. The quoted conversation...I have had the same time and time again... and over petty crap.. and while he's doing it he even guess as far as to accuse me of gaslighting him...
I just want to send love ... I'm trying to escape too.. but if course when he knows the end is near...he becomes charming and nice. It's heartbreaking
Sounds like you were a target for a disgusting narcissist.
You have no family, and he moved you away from where you were living - isolation is usually the first step.
Then accuses you of everything he is doing and gaslighting you when you question his behaviour. His attempt to make you feel like you are insane and question your mental stability.
Threatens you as a joke - with weapons. That’s him scaring you so you won’t leave.
He then love bombs you - presents massages etc etc
Again lays ways for him to make you feel like he loves you (till you do something wrong) leaves you in hope of him changing and then bam square one again of feeling distrust and hurt over his actions
I was with a guy that did all of this.
He was a heavy partier, drug taker. As soon as I started growing up and settling wanting less partying and more stability our relationship went down hill really fast.
Putting me down
Verbal attacks
Hitting walls
Then hurting me physically.
It took me a long time to gain some kind of self confidence and self worth back.
I strongly suggest you start preparing yourself to leave secretly.
Pack your shit, get on a flight and head back to where you were before you met him.
Change your number
And don’t have contact again. Cos he will work some way of trying to lure you back in.
I’m sending you strength and love to get through this
Reach out to anyone that can help you - (that is not in his close circle of friends) get in touch with women’s shelters, just do what ever you can to get far far away.
The hurt you feel now is nothing compared to what can happen to you staying with this guy any longer.
Best wishes to you xo
Sweetheart, when I got to the part where you said he'd threatened to kill you, used weapons to show you and has been accused of sexual abuse more than once, there was no way in my mind I thought it was safe for you to stay. Please leave. But plan, get advice, do it the safest way and probably don't talk with him about it before hand. Call 1800Respect the dv helpline and seek some support and tell them what you wrote. The drug stuff is shit. The sex stuff is awful. But the threats, even though he's making out like it's a joke is not funny. It is designed to make you fear him. I would be frightened, anyone sane would be. That's not likely to shift. Please put your safety, and if you have any children, you're children's safety first. If he's been accused of sexual abuse and you have children you have to make sure they do not have any time whatsoever alone with him until you are gone. You sound like a wonderful woman who deserves so much more. Stay safe and work towards a better tomorrow. You will be ok once this hard part is over. Moving back to your supports might be for the best. Sending hugs.
I have been in the exact same situation. Stoner partner, complete arsehole which is even more emphasised when he had no smoko. Selfish lover. Would gas light. No support network or family close by. A chronic smoker is out of touch with reality, they don’t see it and there is no point trying to make them see it. The only way for them to see it is for them to stop but since they don’t see a problem they won’t. I left, and said when you stop smoking I’ll come back. It took him 10 months but he did stop and we got back together 6 months later. We have kids together though. If the kids weren’t involved I would have walked for good. He knows that the chronic smoking is an absolute deal breaker for me and if he ever smokes again I will walk for good and it’s on him for breaking the family up. In regards to you not having any support network, what I do and have always done is trust my intuition. If it feels wrong it’s wrong. And I remove myself from the situation. Also know you are not alone, just because you feel alone because no one is physically there, We have options. And you can trust yourself that you will look after yourself. Get away from that toxic shit, your worries about the grief now, but once you are free of the manipulations you will not see it as grief but as relief. Good luck
I have been in the exact same situation. Stoner partner, complete arsehole which is even more emphasised when he had no smoko. Selfish lover. Would gas light. No support network or family close by. A chronic smoker is out of touch with reality, they don’t see it and there is no point trying to make them see it. The only way for them to see it is for them to stop but since they don’t see a problem they won’t. I left, and said when you stop smoking I’ll come back. It took him 10 months but he did stop and we got back together 6 months later. We have kids together though. If the kids weren’t involved I would have walked for good. He knows that the chronic smoking is an absolute deal breaker for me and if he ever smokes again I will walk for good and it’s on him for breaking the family up. In regards to you not having any support network, what I do and have always done is trust my intuition. If it feels wrong it’s wrong. And I remove myself from the situation. Also know you are not alone, just because you feel alone because no one is physically there, We have options. And you can trust yourself that you will look after yourself. Get away from that toxic shit, your worries about the grief now, but once you are free of the manipulations you will not see it as grief but as relief. Good luck