My husband is an alcoholic he won't see it and blames his drinking on me as I dont give him enough affection. I dont want to be affectionate after he has had half a dozen beers and a bottle or 2 of wine. He is a heavy cigarette smoker and smokes weed. I look at him when he is drinking and it is with disgust. Im beggining to dislike him. He doesnt see a problem with it he says he still gets up for work everyday and brings in money so how does it affect me? I can stand the smell the snoring and him being in bed next to me passed out. We have 2 children 3 and 7 and they are both totally dependant on me he doesnt do anything emotionally with them he cooks meals etc but none of the bathing books bwd cuddles etc they push him away mostly. I dont know what to do Im at the point I am thinking of leaving him...
Is there a chance he will change? He said I knew what he was like when we got together but I guess stupidly he might grow up at 40 years old.
12 Replies
Harshly, no he won't change unless he wants to. You are wasting your precious time and effort. If he's not willing to get help, I'd leave. Sorry you're going through this mumma xo
I would leave him, I don't normally give the advice to flat out leave but I really think you need to!
One can only hope he doesn't kill someone on his way to work one morning with that much alcohol and dope in his system 😢
Sure, hes bringing money home and still working but if its causing tension in your realtionship it IS an issue. Its making you unhappy and the fact hes so unwilling to even think about how its effecting You both as a couple is very sad.
Can you move out and see if it actually drives the message home that you have had enough?
He has said he doesnt do breaks if thats the case its over
I do work 4 days a week and help with money but dont earn as much as him
Everyday i ask him to cut down and every day he says yes he just cant seem to once he starts he cant stop
How much would he spend on alcohol, cigarettes and weed a week? Might turn out you earn as much or more if you minus all the money hes wasting.
What a tough situation hun. Not sure what to advise but like others have said, he won't change unless he wants to. Might be different if you did move out because suddenly its not all just ultimatums, its a reality and if he sees your realtionship worth fighting for he could put in the effort.
No he won't change because in his eyes he doesn't have a problem. Don't let your children grow up around this, they will start to think it's normal, and that's not okay.
No, you can't do anything and the fact he blames you is a copout. Start holding him responsible for himself. Will he change? Maybe there's a slight chance, if he changes his mentality, should you wait around hoping? No. Holding on hoping for change is the thing that keeps all these women in shit relationships. Accept that there's nothing you can do to change him. Deal with the reality of what you have.
He'll only change when he's ready. I tried for years to get mine to cut down or stop, it took him punching me in a fit of rage (after years of abuse while drinking) for me to say enough was enough. I told him to leave. He gave up cold turkey. Has some on special occasions but it's rare and he realises how shit he feels when he does it. Make him leave, or leave him. I don't see it changing.
It's not your fault he drinks, it's his. He drinks because he's unhappy, he's unhappy because he won't do the work needed to become happy in himself (you could show all the affection in the world and it won't make a lick of difference).
He has been very open about not changing - believe him, he's not changing.
And he "doesn't do breaks", wow. The arrogance (or stupidity) is strong in this one. If when you go he tries the "I don't do breaks, if you go it's over" bullshit cheer and say "I know, I'm counting on it finally being over".
I’m currently going through the same situation, after years and years of him drinking excessively and smoking weed (with many threats of my leaving and him not believing me) I’m currently staying with my parents and am following through on my promise to not return. I have a 3 year old and another on the way so haven’t made this decision lightly. I’ve been using his employee assistance program (EAP) counseling supplied free through his work to discuss my decision and gain support. I’ve finally not only realised my line in the sand but also the fact I’m not prepared to move it and put up with an addict that could potentially lose his job/ lose his licence and all our money. I’m worried for what the future holds but the counsellors have reminded me not to think too far ahead and focus on what I can control. In saying this, if I really thought he has had an epiphany with his situation I’d probably give it one more shot- so long as he went cold turkey, got professional help and was fully aware that there would be no one more shot if he stuffed up again.
He’s a high functioning alcoholic!
He needs to hit rock bottom first. I went through the exact same thing with my partner about 7 months ago except for the smoking and weed part.
He had a lot of underlying issues that he needed to work out for himself, no matter how much I tried to tell him. He (your partner) needs that moment of realization and sadly doesn’t seem he’s there yet.
I pulled away too, I’m not getting physical and or emotional with some one whose drunk and so forth, and mine also tried the ‘your not affectionate, loving’ etc with me and so forth. Well guess why is what I said, cause I’m not happy in this relationship either, but I don’t act out the way you do.
We are still together, working on things cause he hit rock bottom (got absolutly blind drunk, fell over and knocked out his front teeth) the the next day woke up seen how low he’d gotten and checked himself in (stayed there for about a week) to get help because he was about to lose it all (family and all that) plus himself to the drink and depression.
He now only drinks about once a week, and only then is when he doesn’t have responsibilities that involve our daughter (driving the next morning/caring for her while I’m at work etc).
It’s really your choice going forward and what your willing to put up with, I was close to walking, but I’d started to see he was going down hill fast and was hoping for him to see what he was doing to himself and his family and luckily he did. But we’re not perfect as no one is and still working through stuff but it’s better than it used to be.
So he needs to realize the destructive behavior he’s displaying
Good luck in what ever you choose to do, as I know it’s hard
No he wont change now or ever for you or anyone else
My x husband drank every single day
He provided as did i
He worked longer hours than me but he was drinking at every oppurtunity
It was like i was the only parent
It was so difficult i hated him i hated the sight of him that was my que to end it after 17 yrs of marriage i gave it my best shot
But it take two to make it work
Not just one
Our 2 sons aged14 & 15 when i finally bit the bullet and left him
He was in utter shock he swept every thing under the rug ( wise words from my 14 yr old )
My boys could see what was going on
They could see how unhappy i was
Its been 7 yrs and ive met my soul mate
And have a 6 mth old baby
Ive never been happier