I’m 43, have been with my partner for 10+ years. 3 beautiful kids and 2 teenage step kids.
I literally hate my life. For the past few years I’ve been racking my brain on how to set myself free from my own misery. This ridiculous life I created for myself and now my children.
I can’t stand my partner. He’s a loser. Kind enough (when it suits him) I don’t want to blame him though because I was a grown woman who made my own bad choices. Yes his passive aggressive manipulation and narcissism was always underlying, but I’m clever enough, I knew it was there but for some fucked up reason I stayed for this ride. I take full responsibility and accountability for me.
I was successful, I owned a business, a property. He had nothing. Now I have nothing financially or materially. The bad mix of him and I, Family Court, him injuring himself a few years ago, and other circumstances, has bled me dry. On all fronts.
Deep down, pre kids I knew it was a bad move being with him, then when I had our first baby it hit me even harder that I had made a massive mistake. I hated myself for settling in the wrong relationship but ended up telling myself ‘bad luck! You’ve now bought a person into this world with this man, own your bad choices and make a happy family for your child!’
So I buried my head. Put on the pretender hat, and continued on and had 2 more kids. During this time we were quite financially comfortable, so I distracted myself with spending and entertainment, anything to make me ‘feel’ like everything was okay, I got this.
I don’t ‘got this’ ...never did. Then life got serious and I had no where to hide and I am exposed.
Now, I just hate myself. I’m angry all the time, I try so fucking hard to be ‘happy & normal’ for my kids but I’m just lying to them. I’m dying a slow, yet fast death. Spiritually.
For so long I have tried to workout how the heck can I change the situation and the reason I can’t is that leaving him would mean I’d have to send them off with him every second weekend which is just not an option. He would drink drive. Take drugs. They would be in dangerous situations and not safe. (He doesn’t do these things around them now but that’s only because I make sure of it. He binges and does shit things but I keep the kids protected)
Yes I could fight a bitter war and keep him from seeing them but they ADORE him. He is a very hands on Dad.
I’ve become that Mum who is utterly miserable for the sake of her kids happiness but most of all safety.
I spent the past 2 years trying various antidepressants. But they all made me feel crap, worse. Because I’m m not depressed, I’ve built myself a shit life.
So what now?
Hoping for a miracle?
If you know if one, please share!
Thanks x
1 Replies
Self development. You like your life more if it looks like what you expected it to.
So you can decide about your partner that's your choice. But meanwhile, you can work on yourself. Think about it and then Brainstorm a big sheet of what you thought you're grown up life like. Who are you, what kind of person, your friends, hobbies, social groups, where do you live, what kind of house, what kind of work, what social class, etc etc.
Then, make a list of things you would like to do that will help you become more like the person in the list. This could be small, simple, like start reading again, start making /donating toys for the dogs at the dog shelter, start a class, learn a language or an instrument, a skill you've always been interested in, to the big ones : house, travel, study, career change
The more you do and even try out, the more you'll like your life, and the best thing is, when you do those things, that is where you'll meet your kind of people and find yourself just content with who you are and what you're doing and where you're going.