I’m 43, have been with my partner for 10+ years. 3 beautiful kids and 2 teenage step kids.
I literally hate my life. For the past few years I’ve been racking my brain on how to set myself free from my own misery. This ridiculous life I created for myself and now my children.
I can’t stand my partner. He’s a loser. Kind enough (when it suits him) I don’t want to blame him though because I was a grown woman who made my own bad choices. Yes his passive aggressive manipulation and narcissism was always underlying, but I’m clever enough, I knew it was there but for some fucked up reason I stayed for this ride. I take full responsibility and accountability for me.
I was successful, I owned a business, a property. He had nothing. Now I have nothing financially or materially. The bad mix of him and I, Family Court, him injuring himself a few years ago, and other circumstances, has bled me dry. On all fronts.
Deep down, pre kids I knew it was a bad move being with him, then when I had our first baby it hit me even harder that I had made a massive mistake. I hated myself for settling in the wrong relationship but ended up telling myself ‘bad luck! You’ve now bought a person into this world with this man, own your bad choices and make a happy family for your child!’
So I buried my head. Put on the pretender hat, and continued on and had 2 more kids. During this time we were quite financially comfortable, so I distracted myself with spending and entertainment, anything to make me ‘feel’ like everything was okay, I got this.
I don’t ‘got this’ ...never did. Then life got serious and I had no where to hide and I am exposed.
Now, I just hate myself. I’m angry all the time, I try so fucking hard to be ‘happy & normal’ for my kids but I’m just lying to them. I’m dying a slow, yet fast death. Spiritually.
For so long I have tried to workout how the heck can I change the situation and the reason I can’t is that leaving him would mean I’d have to send them off with him every second weekend which is just not an option. He would drink drive. Take drugs. They would be in dangerous situations and not safe. (He doesn’t do these things around them now but that’s only because I make sure of it. He binges and does shit things but I keep the kids protected)
Yes I could fight a bitter war and keep him from seeing them but they ADORE him. He is a very hands on Dad.
I’ve become that Mum who is utterly miserable for the sake of her kids happiness but most of all safety.
I spent the past 2 years trying various antidepressants. But they all made me feel crap, worse. Because I’m m not depressed, I’ve built myself a shit life.
So what now?
Hoping for a miracle?
If you know if one, please share!