They want to have their cake and eat it too. No kids at weddings.

Anonymous

They want to have their cake and eat it too. No kids at weddings.

This is very in depth and complicated so I will keep this as short as possible.

A close family member is getting married soon and has requested no kids at their wedding. My husband and I have 2 kids (one will be only weeks old at the time of their wedding). We have told them that we wont be able to attend, because we don't have a baby sitter. The bride (my family member) and her soon to be husband have cracked the sh*ts, even going as far as sending abusive messages to me, because we are not attending. We have told them that it is because they have requested no kids and we are respecting their wishes, but apparently that's not good enough. It has turned into a major shit storm.

- No, we really don't have a baby sitter
- Wedding is at a farm, no hotels or motels close by
- They don't want any kids at the farm at all, not even in the farm house away from the ceremony.
- The wedding is going to be at least an 18 hour day
- I am breast feeding my youngest, so my partner cannot just stay home with them. We are not using formula and I am not buying it just for one day. Not only will that affect my milk supply but the baby may not even take it. Where ever I go, the baby has to come to.
- No, they are not parents

- **TIMELINE**
*** I was asked to be a bridesmaid
***then I found out I was pregnant and I offered to step down but was told by the bride that she was fine with me being a bridesmaid still
***5 months AFTER being asked to be a bridesmaid we got told no kids at the wedding
***We got told no kids 1 month ago and have been talking with the bride and groom since we were told no kids. To be clear, we only got told a month ago that there are no kids at this wedding and yes we have been talking to them about this.

-We are not the only ones getting abused for not coming to their wedding due to kids, guests have also been abused.

We have been accused of ruining their wedding, I've been called a controlling b*tch, accused of playing games just to get my kids there, and pretty much every other name under the sun. I am meant to be bridesmaid but I honestly don't think I can stand up at their wedding any longer, especially after the abusive messages from the groom. They both knew I am pregnant, I offered to step down but she was still happy to have me as a bridesmaid.

They are trying really hard to lay on the guilt trip, to force us to come. But the more they pull this crap, the more I don't want to go.

If we don't go, then there will be an even bigger sh*t storm. If we go, we have to take our kids, we do not have any other option, which will also cause an even bigger sh*t storm.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Baby & Toddler

25 Replies

Anonymous

No way would I be attending that wedding in any capacity. Block them. Give them time to have a massive tantrum and get on with your lives.

I'm totally cool with child free events of any kind. But you have to expect that some people won't be able to make it. That's the deal.

My sisters wedding was child free, had a brilliant time, but my son was being cared for at the venue in a hotel room. He was much happier there than at a long and boring wedding. But I could afford to pay that and my sister was totally cool if I'd had to dick off to feed or check on him etc.

They are being totally unreasonable

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Anonymous

I wonder if the other post I saw on was the bride. You don't happen to be her cousin with another pregnant cousin do you? No way would I attend. Refusing family is a big no no to me even the little ones. They sound like control freaks and I hope they don't have kids or if they do I hope they realise how bitchy they were about the no kid policy.

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Anonymous

My first thought too! But that one said that she was totally fine if that meant they couldnt come.

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Anonymous

OP: No not my cousin. But I did see that post and I'm going to read the responses too.

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Anonymous

I pulled my kids out of my own brothers wedding party due to the abuse from his bridezilla. It stressed me out so much that in the end we said it just isn't worth it and said sorry they can't be in it. They cracked the shits and have never fully gotten over it

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Anonymous

Look, I really get the desire to have a kid free wedding. When I eventually get married, apart from my 3 children there will be no others, no exceptions. I do understand that means some people may not be able to attend if that's the case, and I'm OK with that.
Were you pregnant when they asked you to be bridesmaid? If you weren't, I can understand their frustration. If you were pregnant and still accepted their offer to be bridesmaid, knowing their position on children, I understand their frustration there too.
The breaking point for me in your situation is the abusive messages, that's not OK. That's where I'd be wiping my hands and saying "you know what? We're done here! ".

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Anonymous

Ignore it/them. Look at the recent post about no kids at wedding. Everyone agreed its their right to choose but they need to be prepared that that means you probably wont come.
i would step down, say you just cant go & you respect their wishes & stop the conversation with them now.
Fyi I was abused by family over a wedding, turns out they just werent nice people and after that blew over there was always something that was my fault.

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Anonymous

When did you know it was no kid? Asyoure pregnant and the wedding is in a few weeks seems theres been 9 months of planning where this conversation should have come up. Why is it only just happening now?

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Anonymous

OP: I was asked to be a bridesmaid, then I got pregnant, then 5 months later we were told no kids at the wedding. Its been an ongoing conversation since then. But the abusive messages have only just started. When I told her I was pregnant I offered to step down if it was going to be a problem. She said she was fine with it and still happy to have me as a bridesmaid. 5 months later we were told no kids

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Anonymous

You need to seperate the issues, say to her that it's terrible timing and must have been mixed wires but now that you know being in it means being away from your baby for xxx hours then you can't do it, and step down. Apologise that it comes so late and that must be due to crossed wires without blame, say you should have clarified earlier, just to keep the peace. She can't force you to do it.
Then tell her you don't appreciate the abuse and nasty messages from her boyfriend and suggest we handle our disappointment like adults. Wish them well and don't respond to him and don't get into fights just apologise for the way it turned out & it will blow over.

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Anonymous

its difficult to know the timeline, but this is something that's usually brought up at the start of weddings. Did u know when you accepted being a bridesmaid? Or was this a late surprise kind of deal from the bride?

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Anonymous

OP: I was asked to be a bridesmaid, then I got pregnant, then 5 months later we were told no kids at the wedding. Its been an ongoing conversation since then. When I told her I was pregnant, I offered to step down if it was a problem and she said she was fine with it and still happy to have me as a bridesmaid

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Anonymous

But did she actually say the baby could attend or that she was fine with you being pregnant? Sounds like she told you no kids five months ago, but you ignored that? Did you think she would agree to it closer to the date? I just can't understand why you would string her along, know the rules for five months and then pull out close to the date? It's quite cruel, I can understand her angst.

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Anonymous

OP: Sorry I could have written this better. She told us 5 months after asking us to be a bridesmaid (and I was obviously already pregnant) that there are no kids at the wedding. This happened a month ago. So I didn't string her along at all. In that time we have been talking. The subject of kids at the wedding never came up until a month ago when they said no kids (again, this was 5 months after she asked me to be a bridesmaid).

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Anonymous

When is the wedding? Sounds like she is freakimg out because she told you five months ago no kids and you mustn't have said you can't do it amd she has assumed all is good? Now I'm assuming, very close to the wedding you are saying you can't do kid free. You should have walked five months ago, been honest, said sorry, can't do. During those five months I'm assuming she bought your dress etc. and made arrangements? How long have you left her to find a substitute bridesmaid? This is a mothers forum so you will get a lot of support, mums will be flabbergasted, but I can honestly see the brides point of view. I find on this mothers forum, most women were married a long time ago and trivialise weddings and brides demands, I think they forget how stressful and important a wedding actually is when you go through it. The abusive messages are not on but they are also evidence that they are extremely upset and totally freaking out, I do feel for them, you have left them in a difficult spot.

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Anonymous

Honestly, what were you expecting when you told them you won't be attending? You're a freaking bridesmaid for gods sake, just declining an invite is not really on.

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Anonymous

No crucifying, I agree with you mostly. She does paint the picture that she's an invited guest that's just rsvp'd no. It seems so odd that there's been no conversation about this until now, only the op will know why that is and what each party knew and said and didn't say. I think best option from here is for her to decide, tell them and stick to it. They may be stressed and out of pocket but the wedding will go on without her.

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Anonymous

OP: Sorry I could have written this better. She told us 5 months after asking us to be a bridesmaid (and I was obviously already pregnant) that there are no kids at the wedding. This happened a month ago. In that time we have been talking. I had already bought my dress, paid for my hair and make-up, and paid for my portion of the bridal party before all this. The subject of kids at the wedding never came up until a month ago when they said no kids (again, this was 5 months after she asked me to be a bridesmaid)

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Anonymous

Don't go
I wouldn't waste my time
No baby no wedding
Simple as that
Tell them to get F@*ked
Rude relos

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Anonymous

At the end of the day, it comes to the issue of parents think the world should revolve around them and their kids and then you get brides who think the same. People then feel like their kids are being threatened and go into protective mode and brides are so heightened by everything around them that they forget others have feelings. Weddings take a long time to plan, and I think that until said otherwise people should assume it will be a childfree event and make provisions for this - its easier to cancel a babysitter close to the date then find one close to the date. If its upsetting you - just don't go. People really need to see that if they have a childfree wedding - some people just won't be able to make it. But then you also need to accept that not coming to the wedding will possibly pave a lifetime of awkwardness so maybe try and communicate decently one last time and if they don't listen well you have honestly done your best. But it isn't their responsibility to care about what you do with your kids and I truly think you understand that but their abusive messages have just crossed the line with you.

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Anonymous

This is the most sensible comment yet!

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Anonymous

Honestly did anyone read her post? She said she was asked to be bridesmaid, fell pregnant after, offered to step down, bride said no it’s ok then ONE MONTH AGO bride decided she didn’t want children there. You cannot expect a bridesmaid to leave her newborn at home if breastfeeding to attend a wedding. I was maid of honour for a friend last year. Although I was already pregnant at the time my friend still wanted me to be there but I stipulated to her that I would have a 5 week old baby who would require breastfeeding at any point to which she was completely fine but I myself was lucky enough that hers wasn’t a child free event. Each to their own and all that but honestly if the bride had any problems with it in the first place she should have instantly said yes please step down when asked MONTHS AGO.

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Anonymous

Did you read any of the OP's comments where she had to clarify the same things over and over? Obviously the post is edited to include these details now.

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Anonymous

I can get the no kids thats theor xhoice amd honestly ot is their day . People qre so precious amd yes i have kids. Bit theor is no meed for abuse eathier.

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Anonymous

They've shown you who they truly are. Best to let it go. Who wants to be there after all this crap, even if they did allow your baby to come. Selfish twats!

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