I remember comments like, “You can have another baby”. I know these people had no idea the pain they inflicted; they were just trying to be there for me, trying to say they cared. In saying that though, there were others who said nothing, which was so much worse. It was like he never existed. Please, please - if your eyes are reading this and you know someone that has just lost someone dear and you can’t seem to find the words just say, “I’m Sorry..” or “Sorry for your loss”. It is so much better than silence or avoidance. Acknowledge the fact they have lost.
I remember one day when I said to myself, you have to pull yourself together and get out of the house. I walked out that door but where ever I looked there seemed to be a mum holding a baby. It was torture to me. I had to hide. I couldn’t bear to see. I sometimes used to sit on the couch and look down at my empty arms. This was a very dark time for me and my family.
I remember driving past people and they would be laughing in their car or on the side of the street I wanted to shout “STOP!!! Just STOP!” It was like the world was whirling by. It was like everyone was getting on with their lives and I was STUCK… SO STUCK, in a deep, dark hole and I couldn’t seem to climb out. The grief my whole family endured for months afterwards was almost unbearable. My family was there for me yet I still felt so alone. I still felt very scared. “What if this is it?”
Could I bear to live with empty arms? Could I exist? I decided I was mentally incapable of trying for another baby for at least a year. My husband and I needed time to grieve for Titan. We needed time to breathe. I think in some ways it was harder for my husband he just wanted to make me right he couldn’t bear seeing me in such deep grief. I think he buried so much, trying to be strong for me. We had been together for 11 years at that point we knew each other and so well. I never thought it was possible to love him more, but it did make our relationship stronger. Titan brought his parents close; we wouldn’t be the couple we are today if it wasn’t for him.
I decided (with my Mum’s help) to take an active role in my mental and physical wellbeing. I consulted alternative medicine that I believed helped heal my broken heart. Nearly 12 months later my Mum and I flew down to Melbourne to “The Journey”. It was a spiritual time for me. A lot of stuff happened over that week-end. I forgave myself, I forgave god. I finally started to feel normal - I had earlier, but this was a different normal, it was like, “It will be ok”. I started to listen to my intuition – that was trying so desperately to tell me everything would be ok.
A couple of days after we returned from Melbourne was Titan’s anniversary. That night I received a gift from him. His sister was conceived. I believe he sent her to his Mum and Dad, this is what got me through my pregnancy with my daughter.
I know there are Mums with broken hearts reading this. I wish I could be there for you! Please just listen to me when I tell you our babies are standing beside us. They are our Angels - they are the ones that guide us. They are our intuition. They are the ones that get us through each day.
If you have only just lost, please cry when you need to, be angry when you need to be, just honour everything you feel. You need to let it out please don’t bury it. Please let it out. We were chosen for a reason, our babies have changed our lives. They have taught us so much.
Next Wednesday the 10th of August would have been Titan's 7th Birthday. Our family will honor him... The way we do every year.
Here is a link to the Journey it is a mind-body-healing process http://www.thejourney.com