More of a rant I think...
So apparently, My ex and I are in a minority. We are separated, with a 2 year old son.
What puts us in the minority though, is that we get along (probably better than when we were married! Ha!) and we have a 50% shared care plan for our son. He spends 7 nights with his dad, then he spends 7 nights with me.
And it sucks. And It's hard. And I hate it, and I wish it didn't have to happen. And I spend extra time every second Monday night having lots of extra cuddles and snuggles with my little man, because it'll be another week until I see him again.
But my son needs his dad too.
What hurts more though, is when people say things like;
'How can you do that?'
'How do you go without him for a week?'
'But don't you miss him?'
'Nup, I just wouldn't do that'
The underlying implication I get, is that I'm a bad mum. That maybe I should have fought for him.
I know that's probably not what anyone means, but the guilt washes over me whenever I hear words like that...
Of course I miss him. My world comes to a stop when he's not here with me. I struggle to function sometimes, without the noise and the chaos that comes with having a toddler.
But he has an amazing dad, and he goes through exactly the same thing in his off weeks. Why should I deny him his son? I have no right to do that.
I think what I'm doing is just the right thing.
But I sat and listened to a couple of stories today about some vindictive mothers that deny fathers all rights. No visitation. No access. I'll just take all your money, thanks!
The only people that matter, is the children. When on earth will these awful excuses for human beings ever realise that? Denying a father (hey, or mother, it goes both ways!) any and all access to a child, for your own sick and twisted revenge, is incomprehensible.
His dad and I will keep doing what we're doing - not because we enjoy only seeing our boy 7 out of 14 days, clearly that's not true - but because it's right for my son at the moment.
8 Replies
I agree, I think it is wrong how one parent tries to use their children to hurt the other parent.
A worry I have is that if me and my partner split is how I will cope without my son around all the time, but at the same time I understand the importance of the relationship my son has with his dad. Some days this fear is the only thing that keeps me in my relationship.
I think you are doing an amazing thing for your child xx I hope one day the time apart gets easier to cope with for you
Well done, I think you are doing the right thing too.
I would love my son to have a father in his life and would gladly (I'd miss him) hand my son over for a week a fortnight with his father. Because I know that would be the best thing for my son. No parent is born with a magical nurturing ability that scrubs out the other parents value. My son needs a mother no more or no less than a father. I have a bunch of male friends doing the SAHD role and they are rocking it. Doing it better than I did it.
You are an amazing mum!!!!! You are doing the most amazing thing for your baby boy and you should be very proud of yourself.
We get to have my husbands son 50% of the time and if it was any less I think my hubby would lose his mind!!! My son only sees his dad every second school holidays, his dad's choice not mine. I have no idea how he can go that long without seeing his son, I go crazy on the every second holidays when he isn't here. Good job IM, so refreshing to read your post
Hi
Ive been slammed as the "cow", evil bio mum, keeping my kids away and he pays child support. Ive been abused by his family and his new gf believes Im withholding the kids because he moved on and he tells every single person he knows that hes a great loving father and Im the reason he is not in his kids lives.
Not True.
He is abusive, violent and has told our kids over and over he doesnt want them and hes too busy for them and whinges to the entire world that he pays child support for kids he doesnt see. (It has been a year, he hasnt tried to contact us) He changed his number and I dont know where he lives. I cant even tell my side because he has already got everyone in his corner with his lies. He only pays child support because CSA found him.
I really wish he loved our kids and had time for them. I envy you and your ex. I envy alot of split families who do the right thing by their children. It is hard being a single parent, I havent had a night off in 1 year. Even when he was with us (still together), i couldnt go anywhere without taking one of the kids or taking no longer than half an hour out eg shops.
I know for alot of reasons and in alot of cases, it seems we "bio mum" withholds the children out of spite, it is not so in my case.
My children deserve a loving, active father but he just doesn't want the responsibility. I look like the asshole because he will never admit to anyone but me, that he doesn't want his children.
I hope one day, his heart for our kids will change, they deserve it. Until then, I sit here being the bad guy while he parades around like the good guy and I cop all the shit.
I've had the same thing, except I have an exemption for child support so don't receive it. Take a deep breath, everyone may believe him but the only thing that matters is your kids know mum loves them and is there for them. The others will learn in time or are just as delusional.
To the op - wonderful job, you have the structure I always wish what would have happened for my family. It didn't happen that way
My husbands brother and his partner separated about 6 years ago. Still to this day they have shared 50/50 care of the kids. Both have moved on with new partners but always the children have been their 100% main priority. And I can honestly say the children have blossomed under this arrangement. I really do have a beautiful niece and nephew who are loved and cared for by both parents equally!
I think its really admirable how you get along and are putting your child first. I am separated from my husband and we have a 2 y/o daughter. He has her twice a week and we are still negotiating the final custody arrangements. It is bloody heartwrenching, but I agree, each parent has rights and its good for a child to have a strong bond witj both parents. Well done muma x
You go girl, you and your ex are role models! I agree that people who deny the other parent their child for no valid reason are just stupid. Be proud!