I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable.
My relationship of 4 years has been on the rocks for the last year. We have assets, finances, everything all tied up so there's no "clean break". But I still feel like that's not even what holds me back from leaving. I think I'm just afraid of the grief.
He's just not who I thought he was. We've known each other for years before we got together. He was such a charming guy. He was sweet and loving and giving. But it all feels like it was just a lie.
I find so much about him so frustrating. He's lazy and selfish. The house is constantly trashed because he can't pick up after himself. He's verbally abusive over silly things.
I'm beginning to think that even the "good" about him is all just a means to control me.
He's a daily pot smoker and I've had the battle with him a million times to just at least cut back. We compromised at $100pw, but he can't even stick to that. We currently have $12 to our name to last 4 days because of his habit. He cleans his bong and puts bong water all over my clean dishes, then complains when i say I refuse to do them because I can't stand the smell of the sink.
Our sex life is ridiculous. He used to be generous lover. By far the best I'd ever had but he's become so selfish. He doesn't pay attention whatsoever. I'm unable to orgasm at all because I know he's just in it to finish himself. The whole 3 minutes is all about what is good for him. That's if he even wants to have sex at all lately.
He's a master gaslighter. A good example is the other day. We had the following conversation.
Me: I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm just confused and worried about why every day for at least 2 weeks you've come home 45 mins to 3 hrs late. It's every day. I don't know what's going on, which is what is upsetting me. It's confusing me.
Him: I have not been home that late. If I have been, I'd see why you'd think it's weird but you're just making things up in your head again.
Me: I'm not making it up in my head!
Him: prove it then. Get my phone.
(We go through his location history because Google tracks everything and it shows that he's only been home before 6pm 1x in 3 weeks. He finishes at 5:30 most days and finishes at 4 on others. Even at his 4pm finishes he came home after 6. It takes 7mins to get home)
Me: See, I told you I wasnt imagining things
Him: no you're making it up in your head how long it takes me to get home
Me: I had to pick you up and drop you off for 6 months. I think i know how long it takes.
Him: youre treating me like a child. Youre just like my abusive stepdad. Always trying to control me.
Me: what?! I'm just trying to make sense of what's going on. Your stories aren't adding up, you keep promising me certain things and never coming home for them. I dont know what to think!
Him: stop being so controlling and accusing me of cheating
Me: I'm not accusing you of anything! Thats what i keep saying to you. I dont know what is going on. I dont expect you to rush home every day but I think it's fair to ask why youre late every single day.
Him: I'm not having this conversation with you. You just want me all to yourself and can't handle the fact that I have a life. I spend enough time with you, I should be able to do what i want
Me: i never you said you couldnt or that I wanted you to spend more time with me. I simply asked WHY you're coming home late every day with no explanation?
(He stormed off mumbling about not arguing with me)
He'll so things like that all the time. Everything is "in my head", until i can prove it's not. Then he'll say I've twisted something or just outright attack my character.
But when we're good, we're great. We have a lot of fun and laughs. We do fun things together. He spoils me with gifts and back rubs and does nice things. It's not all bad. It's just not great because of this sort of thing.
Hes even gone so far as threatening to kill me if we ever break up. He "playfully" threatens me with weapons "as a joke" even though I have asked him multiple times not to. He's stalked my work mates, stalked me. He keeps coming out with things about his past that after 4 years I've never known about, like that he's been accused of sexual abuse 2x, but maintains his innocence.
I don't know what I want from posting this here. Some words of encouragement or understanding I guess. I've never had healthy role models to look up to. I dont know what is too much or what is just worth working on. He hasn't become physical with me, I haven't caught him doing anything that's a major deal breaker. I know in one way that this is toxic. But I don't know if it can change or get better. He says that all couples have hardships and that I need to believe that hard work and perseverance will "pay off when we're old and gray". But in the meantime we "need to just enjoy being young", which means he's always hassling me to get on drugs with him. I live a sober life. He knows that. Apparently I'm "more fun when i party".
I moved to the other side of the country for him. I have no family in my life. I have a few grand debt for him. I have little income and need to take care of my pets. I dont want to have to grieve again. I've already lost enough. I feel so trapped. There's so much to break down and work on and deal with.
What am I supposed to do?