Hi sisterhood.
My daughter has known her best friend since she was a toddler, they went to preschool together, now got to the same school and have been in the same class every year since they started. They truly have a beautiful bond and friendship and I am glad my daughter has found this kind of sister like relationship.
Naturally, the bestie's mother and I have become quite good friends in that time too, although I really don't feel like I can discuss all this with her because she is fiercely protective of her daughter (understandably, she's been on quite a journey in her short life) and I know she is just as invested in the girls friendship as they are, as I know she was always so worried her daughter would never make friends at all or even fit in to mainstream school (that'll make more sense as you read on).
I am starting to feel that the girls may depend on each other too much though, well, more so that Bestie is depending on my daughter too much - to the point it is beginning to effect my daughter's school marks and socially as well.
Example one.
Bestie is actually on the spectrum, her autistic traits are quite mild - you wouldn't know unless you knew (If that makes sense). It mostly effects the way she learns and processes information. Unfortunately, because she's considered to be so highly functioning she doesn't qualify for her own aid or much additional support in the classroom, particularly now they're getting older.
This means that Bestie looks to my daughter a lot to help her with her work, my daughter ends up needing to explain the work to bestie several times, which distracts her from her own work and often meaning she isn't completing her work or fully grasping it herself because she is being interrupted frequently.
Of course I have spoken to teachers about this over the years but this is something that has consistently happened since prep, but now they're getting to their last few years of primary school and the work is getting harder, it's more of an issue.
Example two.
Bestie likes them to play on their own, as a twosome in their own little world, which don't get me wrong - it's completely lovely.
My daughter is a "more the merrier" kind of kid though, she wants to play with ALL the kids, she likes to seek out the kids who look a bit lonely and start a big game for everyone, more often than not though (actually, almost always) my daughter ends up doing whatever bestie wants to do to avoid upsetting her friend (bestie doesn't enjoy playing in big groups, as an introverted person myself I actually genuinely get that) but I know my daughter is really craving a bigger social circle.
This gets me to my question, as the girls are heading into the fifth grade next year, heading towards that difficult pre teen stage, I am beginning to wonder if requesting them to be placed in separate classes next year might be in my daughter's best interest?
I know she'll be sad to be separated from bestie and I know bestie will be completely lost without my daughter (that breaks my heart and makes me feel insanely guilty for only thinking about what's best for my kid).
It's also likely the girls will attend different high schools in 2 short years, I want my daughter to broaden her friendship group and gain a bit of independence and sense of self (and get a bit of respite from having to be both student and teacher) so she adjusts to high school and really the first time in her life, without her best friend.
I also don't want their friendship to suffer.
I guess I'm asking for advice, the best choice here, guidance from any parents who have been in this position.
Please be kind with your responses, this has been weighing on my mind enough lately.
15 Replies
I am autistic and I think separating the girls next year is in BOTH of there interest. They can still play together and maintain a friendship while in different classes and different schools (in high school). It’s important for your daughter and her friend to have the opportunity to develop other friendships.
Don’t feel guilty at all, it’s an opportunity for your daughters friend just as much as it’s an opportunity for your daughter.
It’s not uncommon at all for children to be separated for various reasons and you should do that without guilt.
I agree. I’m autustic too, and this would be for the best in the long run. No one says they can’t be mates and hang out at lunch.
Sorry if she cant do the work and needs support the school has to provide her the support she meeds. Maybe she has been deemed not to need it as she is flying under the radar because of your daughter - but that is not your daughters job!
Ask for them to be separated and ask for it to remain anonymous.
My girl has a bestie in another class. I recently told the school they dont have to be in the same class next year, yes my girl needs kids on her level in class (shes very mature and clever) but I don't want to push her friendships from outside school and class, being together day in day out can change things.
I think this is a resonable request. I did think you were going to change school which I was going to say a “hell no” to but just requesting they don’t be put in the same class next year, would be fine.
The whole time I read this, I were thinking about myself and my absolute best friend through primary (from year 4) and high school. I did depend on her a hell of a lot, but we actually weren’t in the same classroom beside year 4 and then a few subjects once we got to high school.
We still maintained a very close friendship without actually being in the same class. We spent lunch times together and would often walk together home from school and stay over on the weekends.
We aren’t close at all now, almost 8 years later. But until the day I left year 12, I couldn’t really function at school without her.
My bestie and I have kids 4 weeks apart that have grown up like brother and sister, they are the best of friends and been inseparable since birth. When they started school we worried as they would even use the toilet together at preschool, they aren't on the spectrum but very very close. The first 2 years they were together at school. This year they have been split up and it has been fabulous for them both in every aspect your hoping it will be for your daughter. Socially, emotionally and academicly they have both thrived and they are still the best of friends, just a little more independent!
Autism diagnosis automatically qualifies for additional support. Ask for them to be separated and let the school provide the support like they should be
She does get some support and limited group time with an aid but it's really not enough, something her mum has been fighting tooth and nail to get increased.
From experience with my nephew who is autistic and had a speech delay, having a diagnosis does not automatically qualify you for a aide unfortunately. My sister is currently fighting the school he is in because they’ve said he is also “too high functioning” even though you can see from his grades dropping that when he did have support when younger he did better grades wise compared to now without support.
Hi there. I'd love to chat to you as I was in a very similar situation. Don't know how we can get our details to each other but I can't really post on a public forum. Def good idea to separate them!
I just asked my beautiful 12 yr old gifted kid who also happens to be “on the spectrum” and has slow processing. She reckons separate them so your daughter doesn’t fail and so the bestie gets to learn how to process information and learn how to do things on her own (her words).
I just asked my beautiful 12 yr old gifted kid who also happens to be “on the spectrum” and has slow processing. She reckons separate them so your daughter doesn’t fail and so the bestie gets to learn how to process information and learn how to do things on her own (her words).
Speak to the class teacher and ask that they not sit together in class next term, and separate classes next year. Not sitting together next term will ease them into becoming independent of each other. The other mother doesn’t need to know you’ve made theses requests, as any conversation you have with the teacher about your child’s schooling should be confidential- perhaps mention to the teacher that you don’t want the other mother know you’ve made the request, the teacher could say that the school believes it will be beneficial for both girls.
I asked for my daughter not to be in the same class in grade 1 with her bestie. The two girls took to each other from the first day of prep, and were inseperable for the year. But the downside was she rode the rollercoaster of every mood of her friend (and friend is a diva, so there were plenty of moods), it devastated her whenever she was shunned. They’re in the same class again in grade 2, and still good friends, but she’s learned to have a wider group of friends from the experience, not have her world revolve solely around one person
Separate them, it’ll force the school to support this girl properly. Playground time should be supported too. They should be working with all the kids.
Definitely separate them. No question. My daughter and best friend love each other but are fiercly competitive. She cried through lots of first year at school. Next year, separated and never been in class together since. It's been great. They are still best friends and hang out all the time but they can focus on their work. I didn't discuss it with my daughter, she would of course prefer to be with her closest friend but it's not what's best for her life and learning. It's also meant she's made many other friends over the years. Good luck.