Hi all a little help please when my older children got social media sites eg: fb and similar I had to know there passwords, so I could check and keep tabs on which I do on a regular basis they don't know when or if I'm checking. My problem lies here...
My oldest now 17 has made a new group of friends this year, she was usually a stay at home sort of kid and the new friends have gotten her out of the box, which I don't mind I'm ok with going out experiencing things. And for example I'd checked her fb because she was staying somewhere and seen she was staying some where else so without her knowing that I'd checked. I'd made a compromise that she could go out but needed to come home at a curtain time all good. She is at that age I don't want to tell her im checking because she will change the passwords. But lately I'm seeing some not so good things. I noticed she sent some guy a nude. This guy was threatening to put it online because she wasn't paying him attention he'd said he'd deleated that photo and only said it to get her attention. I've also noticed some alcohol and maybe marajuana use. Not sure if some of this is just talk or not. My main concern is the nudes and the others are worrying I'm not sure how to go about confronting her about this without her knowing how I found out. Any ideas
Knowing kids passwords
Knowing kids passwords
Posted in:
Teenagers
27 Replies
I think you really need to tread carefully on this one. Does she know you are snooping? What made you want to snoop through her stuff?
If you confront her and tell her you've done this, you will have broken all of her trust. This is something that will drift the two of you apart at a VERY crucial time in her life.
Maybe you can just have a chat about being open and honest with her about where she is, ask if she drinks and if she does (and you are comfortable to do so) maybe offer to purchase it for her in a respectable quantity. Also just talk about safety when drunk or doing drugs.
It doesn't sound like she's doing anything abnormal for her age. I never felt the need to lie about my whereabouts to my parents as we were very open and honest.. and she would supply the alcohol for me. But I did send nudes and engage in some minor drug use at that age, as did a lot of other's my age.
U really need to stop snooping! She is pretty much an adult let her live and learn or she will resent u big time!
I think at 17 these are her mistakes to make. It’s time to stop snooping and just be open and ready for her to come to you when she is ready.
I’m all for parents to check up on social media etc but by 16 it’s time to give them privacy.
I totally disagree with the answers below. She's underage and your daughter. It's your job to keep her safe and teach her to stick to her morals/values and not bow to pressure. If you can't approach it directly, talk about how your colleagues 'niece' shared a photo with a boy and when they broke up he shared it for revenge and now she's missing out on jobs she applies for on top of the bullying she got etc. Also, how she then attracted boys who didn't like her for her and just expected her to put out. Use that 'story' to start a conversation with her about whether she is protecting herself and making smart choices. She probably won't tell you what has happened but it will make her stop and think. As for alcohol... Probably leave that but I'd address the pot if I saw evidence of it like the smell /dilated pupils etc.
Actually the age of consent is 16, so she is not underage only for alcohol and cigs that kind of thing!
I believe being in possession of nude pictures of a person under the age of 18 is still considered child exploitation material/pornography.
Yes it is.
Totally illegal. Its not common for girls under 18 to be charged for sending photos of themselves but it can happen. It is technically distribution of child pornography. Not to mention just plain dumb. Mum needs to be a parent and address the issue.
https://www.getthefacts.health.wa.gov.au/keeping-safe/sexting
Also to ad to this send the guy a msg and tell him if he doesn't delete the pic you will take it to the cops.
It is 16. They are basically an adult at 16 as far as being able to make their own decisions etc. My own daughter left home at 16 and there is nothing that can be done even with concerns for safety etc. I agree with the advice to give privacy or this mumma could lose her girl.
Except that she isn't an adult. And part of being an adult is displaying good judgement and decision making skills and obviously this young lady has been swept up in the rush of popularity and needs to remember not to lose herself in the process. The mum can address this from a place of love and support.
Love, support and betrayal. I really can’t see a way in which this can be handled in an appropriate manner without her admitting what she’s done. And in turn it will push the daughter away.
She's keeping an eye on her daughters safety. It's not a betrayal.
It is betrayal. A betrayal of her privacy. The daughter won’t see it as concern right now, maybe in 5-10 years with more life experience but right now she just wouldn’t.
Sorry, but safety trumps privacy.
This poor Lass is being blackmailed by some little dickhead who has probably already showed it to everyone he knows. If the OP goes to her daughter with a "I know about the picture, I'm not mad or disappointed. Let's sort this out together" attitude, the daughter is going to know mum has her back, no matter how embarrassing the problem is. How do you think this girl would feel if this photo got leaked and she finds out later that her mum knew but did nothing?
That's the problem these days, people are more worried about being their kids best friend rather than making hard choices that might make them temporarily unpopular.
Exactly. Sheesh. Lets all allow our kids to ruin their lives and put themselves in harms way because the conversation seems a bit hard lol. Guaranteed at 16 I had the cognitive capability and emotional maturity to understand when my mum was using tough love because I was important to her.
I totally disagree with you here, it sounds like the daughter is currently quite naive and is at the point where she's rebelling a bit (not telling her the truth of her whereabouts, alcohol consumption). If her mum now comes to her and says "Hey, I've actually gone through your personal stuff" she would most likely just want to rebel even more out of anger. I can guarantee that I didn't have the emotional maturity to appreciate tough love at 16 or 17, probably even 18!
By all means I think this needs to be addressed but in a manner in which the mum can't tell her that she knows what she knows. Approach it in a way that discusses sexting and sending nude pictures, what implications this can have in future and talk about giving into peer pressure. Ask her if she is okay and if there's anything she wants to discuss.
Honestly, this boy just sounds manipulative and in most cases (but not all) it's all just talk saying they'll be shared around. Chances are, he's already showed a few friends for a laugh though. Sending photos is just part of being a teenager though and wanting to feel liked etc.. I don't know of anyone in my circle of friends that didn't send nudes, we all did at some stage. I think maybe you guys are a bit older than me and probably aren't as relaxed about the nature of them as I am as this was something that I experienced just a few years ago.
I'm only 28, certainly not a dinosaur 😂 sending nudes was a thing when I was 17 too, though it's much more prevalent and easier to broadcast them these days . I raised my younger sibling through their teen years just recently so I'm pretty well in the loop when it comes to all this stuff. Actually had the misfortune of finding a 13 year old girls vagina in his phone at one point 😑
I just find it so concerning that sending nudes is considered the norm these days, so much of young girls self esteem seems to rely on the response to said nudes too.
Exploring her sexuality, experimenting with a bit of pot and alcohol, sure, all pretty standard teenage stuff to keep an eye on but I personally wouldn't sit back and act like I didn't know about this specific situation with this boy who has the potential to cause her a lot of grief.
It mostly find it odd that every one is always like "You should monitor your kids social media and internet usage" but then a mum admits to doing just that and everyone one is like "Oh no, that's a betrayal of her trust, you shouldn't snoop"
You're damned both ways sometimes.
I guess it's just different parenting styles, that's how I'd handle it.
Also we have had talks about nudes. We have always had a pretty open relationship and like I said in the main post she has a new group of friends. Which I'm sure she's trying to some what impress hence the checking of her account I don't know this group very well maybe met a few times.
17 is a tough age.
Not quite a kid, not quite an adult.
I think at this point though, I wouldn't beat around the bush. Let her know that you've been monitoring her social media pages and you've seen some stuff that's concerning you and you want to talk about it.
Don't judge, don't lecture - just talk, encourage her to open up and support her!
Poster hear...
Like I said in the post she knows I know her passwords and knows from time to time I do check. She dosnt know when and I've never had the need to bring anything up before. I understand she is nearly an adult that's why I let a lot of what I see slide. I didn't have the best upbringing as a child I were taken out of the family home when I were 12 I went from foster families, to group homes to sleeping on people's couches to on the streets I did drugs, drank and had a teenage life I definitely arnt proud of. I changed my life meet my partner if 20 years and have 5 beautiful children. So my head definitely isn't in the sand. But I never had parents I that cared they were to busy with there own issues. I have done my best to guide my kids to the best path and they are all round good kids. But I care I'm happy for them to make mistakes and I'll always catch them if they fall but I also in this digital life we live in once it's out there it's there and can damage them for a long time.
Don't doubt yourself Mama.
You're doing the right thing by keeping an eye on her fb accounts, I'd just bring it up with her - she knows you check in now and again so she's probably aware you know anyway.
Sounds like she needs some mum guidance here Xx
If she is aware you check from time to time, I'd definitely have a sit down with her and just ask her what is going on in her life and if she wants to talk to you. Tell her you've seen this boy threatening her and ask if she would like help combating him.
It sounds like you're a wonderful parent <3
Don’t go through her stuff! How would you feel if your Mum went through your journal when you were growing up? Such an invasion of trust and privacy.
I moved out of home at 17. She’s basically an adult.
If you’ve done a good job raising her (which I’m sure you have) it’s time to let her go. She will start partying, drinking, having sex and using drugs. That’s just a rite of passage. It will go on for a few years but if she’s sensible she won’t let it get out of control. She’ll just have a good time and create some great memories.
She is 17. its child pornography.
take it to the cops
You mentioned that she knows that you have her passwords and she knows you check from time to time. Maybe have a coffee morning at home and say something like 'No matter what you do or what happens to you, I'll always love you and I'll always have your back. I noticed this jerk, wanna talk about it?' and go from there. At that age maybe some gentle guidance on dealing with sticky situations and protecting herself against jerks would be wise. Let her know she is worthy of so much more respect and love than what that creeper could ever give her. Let her know it's okay to set her standards high. Good luck!
Report the threat to the police, if he post it he can be charged. He might have already shared it.
The alcoholic l and pot experiments are normal and so are the nudes unfortunately.
Build a trusting relationship with her, I would bring it up and wait for the dust to settle and have grown up conversation about consequences tell her you love her and you don’t judge you are concerned.