need advice on lazy friend

Anonymous

need advice on lazy friend

Hello everyone, im needing abit of advice. I have a friend who is very lazy. She has 4 kids and her house is always filthy, I'm not talking messy, I have 3 kids myself and know things get a bit messy but her house is dirty. It has always been this way since I have known her which is about 15 years. Recently she split from her husband (dv). She rang me and asked to make a business arrangement, I clean her house for 50 dollars a week, I agreed and the next day showed up to her house with all my cleaning stuff in tow. It was bad, there was piles of rat poo, dead rats in the sink, kid poo up nearly every wall and rotting food through every room, it took me a week of going there daily to get it clean. She literally does nothing, I leave her house spotless and come back the next day to food and dirty nappies throughout.she still hasnt paid me for the work I have done either. I want to help her but this is too much, she expects me there daily and I'm not just cleaning she leaves her children with constantly, so I'm cleaning her house with my 3 and her 4 on my own. I know she is going through a rough time but she was also like this before so I don't know if it is all due to the dv and husband leaving etc. I don't know what to do, those kids will live in filth if I don't help but I'm running myself into the ground, one of my children is special needs as well and needs alot of therapy etc, what do I do? I'm neglecting my own family to help her

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Self Care, Health & Wellbeing

12 Replies

Anonymous

Have you had a chat to her? To ask her how she is coping? I'd find some services that can help, her local council even can! Maybe organise a working bee with a big group of people, put a call out for some help and do one huge clean and then maintain it every week for her if you can.

She has classic signs of depression and potentially hoarding which require mental health intervention. Hopefully you can guide her to the right places to do this for her.

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Anonymous

I am messy by nature, some people just are. I'd say your friend is wired a bit that way too but I think this goes beyond anyone's normal standards.

I don't think lazy is the right term here, I think it sounds like she's overwhelmed, not coping, it's quite possible she's depressed and can't find the energy or motivation to do things she knows need to be done.

I'd probably be really frank with her.

A. I'm not a free maid, I'm happy to come and clean once a week if you pay me.
B. You need to do X,Y and Z while I'm not here. I won't collect up rubbish, dirty nappies and dead rodents and their droppings. I can write out a roster to help you keep on top of things!
C. I am concerned about you, I am worried you're not coping and I'm worried about the environment the kids have to live in.

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Anonymous

She is with a service that is helping her alot they are trying to get her to clean her own house too, they want her to work out a routine with me to do but she refuses to do anything, she hates cleaning, hates dishes etc. She is seeing a psychologist and on depression meds already. Her sister, case worker and social workers have all done rosters and put them on her walls, she refuses to do it.
Her sisters and other friends won't help anymore because she refuses to even try and help them clean her house.

My husband thinks i should walk away? He's angry because he thinks I'm taking on too much (I have my own mental health problems and health problems, I also have a special needs child and 2 other children, my teenager just moved out this week too), I can see where he's coming from but she's my friend and we have known each other so long now

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Anonymous

I think she needs to realise that it's not a choice. She can hate doing it, but it has to be done, if not she won't keep her kids it's that basic care that they need to be clean and live in a place that is clean.
If she's at a point where she doesn't care if that happens, then you should go to her psych with her and find out what the next step is. (It's NOT you trying to run two households!)

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Anonymous

I agree with your husband. Just because you walk away for a short time, doesn't mean it has to be forever either. Tell her your unable to continue coming everyday because your family needs you at home. Sounds like she is unwilling to change so maybe call child services, might give her a wake up call. It's awesome that you have been such a great friend in helping her, but your family shouldn't miss out because if it.

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Anonymous

She's taking advantage of you. The first and most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. You're carrying enough you have to know when to say no. It's well beyond the point where you should have. You can support someone but you don't have to be a doormat or invest your own health and wellbeing, at the end of the day she has to want to do it for herself.
If it's that shit, take the kids to your. Invite them for dinners etc. or call docs.
If it's filth but they're fed and loved then sadly, that's just the life she's going to raise them in.
Personally I would shake her into action. Say no, I'm not coming there anymore and I'm not cleaning again. make dinner for the kids at your place occasionally. Tell her I will have the kids for a few hours (max) while you clean this place up and then when you take them home to a nice clean home and fresh beds, you keep it like that. also send her to a DV shelter or community centre and tell her to do the work to make things easier and work better for her, then they will become easier for her.

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Anonymous

I don't think she's lazy. She's mentally unwell and unable to deal with self care/caring for her children. She needs a psychiatrist and psychologist.

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Anonymous

I know people are going too jump down my throat, but after reading the responses, clearly this lady is & does get other help. Her issues have been addressed, numerous people have sat down & given her the chance too talk about her emotional state. You taking this further isn’t being a shit friend, but picking up the slack for what her social worker or whoever should have already done. I’d be contacting the social workers boss & getting advice. You’ve done a lovely thing helping the way you are, but enough is defiantly enough. Especially she’s starting too leave the kids with you also, which I’m assuming isn’t too go do grocery shopping or pay bills ect as you wouldn’t mention it if that were the case.

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Anonymous

Stop going, it's simple.

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Anonymous

It’s not that ‘simple’ when she’s emotionally invested in her friend for all these years, but she definitely should be laying down some rules around about now , and she should stop taking her kids there wen she cleans . It’s disgusting to have her kids in that house while she cleans , I’d be putting a stop to that quick smart , not on .

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Anonymous

Sounds like you are playing the Matyr then feeling like a victim. You can say no if you don't want to do something rather than saying yes then feeling used. http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/how-to-stop-being-a-martyr Sounds like your friend is going through a rough time. A good friend would have an honest conversation rather than first up calling child services to add to her trauma. Your friend needs emotional help after being a dv victim, (yes she is the real victim here- not you) she needs a good psychologist to help her with her post traumatic stress. Be a good friend, not a Matyr/victim.

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Anonymous

She may be mentally unwell but she’s also taking advantage of you. You need to stop enabling her. Stop going and ask her to pay you the money she owes you. Cleaners that bring their own equipment are paid $25-$45 per hour. Don’t take your children to her house either. Maybe meet her in the park so you can still support her but not endanger your own children by taking them to an unhygienic place. Good luck. Be strong. It’ll be best for both of you if you be assertive. X

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