Ex invited girlfriend

Anonymous

Ex invited girlfriend

Ok, so looking for some advice and kinda want to just get some stuff off my chest. My ex recently came back into our sons life this year after two years absent. I just found out he has a new girlfriend who he has already introduced to our son. They have only met a few times. I invited my ex to our sons birthday which was awkward enough as he had missed the last two. Our son told me his dads 'friend' was coming. News to me I asked my ex who said he forgot to tell me his girlfriend was coming. It would be one thing if they had been together awhile but this is a new relationship and I've never met her before properly. I saw her in passing for a few seconds once. But I couldn't say no to her coming because our son already knows she's coming and I would look like the bad one :/ It was meant to be a family thing. Now it's going to be super awkward. Has anyone been through this? How do I stay civil with this?

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Kids

41 Replies

Anonymous

You stay civil by remebering that your sons birthday is not about you, it’s about your child and you simply rise above.

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Anonymous

Just think of this - your son is completely oblivious to any drama happening around him. Even after two years absent, to him his dad coming back into his life is probably the best thing since sliced bread. Of course to you it isn’t and your feelings are very warranted, but he doesn’t need to know you feel this way.

Also, it’s not the girlfriend’s fault for him being absent or that he invited her, so i would just be as welcoming as possible and even try and have a quick chat or two with her. It’s better to get along for your son’s sake :)

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Anonymous

So he sounds clueless which also hints that youll have other issues. Might as well start now by being upfront and explaining this stuff to him. 'He needs to ease into the childs life and you dont introduce friends or partners for months as its very disruptive. Structure and predictability is very important to kids. Its already a big deal having his dad coming back into his life, please focus on that and building that relationship before introducing other people.'
I would leave it up to him to decide after that.
I would also suggest he gets some advice about building connection after two years absent. Seems he thinks he can rock in with no real understanding that his actions affect the childs foundation.

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Anonymous

He probably wants her there as his support person to make it less uncomfortable. If your son is good with it, let it go. Meanwhile, if your ex makes a new normal friend, does he need to run it by you if your child meets them? Why does the fact that he kisses her in private make her any different?

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Anonymous

Of cause it's different and who knows if they only kiss in private or not. I didn't say he needs to run it by me either only that he should have for a birthday that was a family thing. He has family for support

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Anonymous

Yes the ex bringing any friend on a visit with son right now is not ok.

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Anonymous

Why not?

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Anonymous

Have you been in this situation? Because they are not coparenting by mutual relationship- she is helping him form a relationship where he has dropped the ball. He has no rights to be at her house, attending her events, she is HELPING him.

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Anonymous

Yes. Both as the child and the mum. He has every right to be at his child's birthday and it seems only fair he would want an ally given he will be nervous. No need to make him reconnecting with his child more difficult than it would be anyway.

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Anonymous

No, he doesnt have any right. He has the right to parent, take (earn) his visitation and do something for the childs birthday. He has the right to coparent well so they could all share a party if thats what they agree on. This is neither of those situations. The fact is that by inviting him to the party is she is going out of her comfort zone, her privacy and her way to help him be present and connect.

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Anonymous

Different poster. He does have the right to attend because she invited him. And he's bringing his girlfriend... That's normal. Doesn't matter how long they've been together. My husband of 15 years proposed after 5 weeks. Just because it's a new relationship doesn't mean it won't last.

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Anonymous

Yes of course, he was invited. He has no right to bring someone else to hers under that circumstance. The least he could do is ask, and before telling the son.

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Anonymous

He probably knows he's going to be judged and scrutinised by the OPs friends and fam hence why he's bringing his GF.
He probably should have at least mentioned it to the OP but I think this is a good opportunity to meet the new girlfriend properly, observe how she engages with the son and get a bit of a gauge of their relationship.

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Anonymous

Agreed. Why create a mountain out of a mole hill? Just set an extra plate

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Anonymous

Him showing up after two years and acting carelessly is why shes concerned. Thats not making a mountain out of a molehill. The way we speak to mothers on here sometimes 😔
I agree though, you might as well use the chance to meet her and suss her out now.

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Anonymous

It is clear the people who are separated and those that aren’t. Having a gf at a family party, would be incredibly awkward, especially a new one she doesn’t even know, add that he hasn’t been a part of things for two years and it’s just rude. To the op, the people comparing it to a friend have obviously never been through this, I would maybe ask him why he felt the need to bring new gf, not in an accusatory way and level with him how it will make you uncomfortable. I’m sure it would make your own family incredibly awkward too, ask him if he could maybe postpone introducing her to the entire family until you have got to know her personally. Absent father for two years, then brings new gf to first family event, it really isn’t a good look. Look everyone, haven’t seen my kid for two years but managed to start a romantic relationship,priorities, geez.

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Anonymous

People seeing it as just an extra guest, an extra plate, have ZERO insight into the family dynamics of blended families or an understanding of your situation.

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Anonymous

Nope. Just don't think adult crap should affect the kids.

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Anonymous

Do you think the child will be affected if new gf doesn’t attend lol I don’t think so!

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Anonymous

She’s invited her ex who was be an absent father for two years, it’s very clear who has the child as a priority. She has extended herself, although awkward, to make him feel like a part of everything and he feels the need to bring the latest squeeze. So very disrespectful and insensitive. Think about how you would feel if the father of your child left for two years, answering your upset child when they ask where daddy is, drying their tears, seeing them see friends with their daddy’s. Really put yourself in her shoes, she’s been more than accommodating, welcoming him back.

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Anonymous

Also him feeling judged so needing an ally, well he should have thought about that before bailing on his kid for two years. Maybe he deserves some judgement, maybe he needs to woman up and face the consequences of his actions, rather than hide behind a new gf.

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Anonymous

Unbelievable, let’s defend the man who hasn’t seen his kid for two years, let’s make him comfortable. Oh plssssss....how about we support the mum that has being doing it on her own whilst he’s off finding a new gf.

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Anonymous

Wanting him to be comfortable makes it less likely that he will walk away because it's too hard.

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Anonymous

Who wants him around if not having his gf at a party makes him walk? If everything in life makes him walk, it’s better he is gone than coming and going. He has been given a second chance, it is a privilege that she has been so welcoming, not making him go to court, it should be him who tries to make everyone comfortable. He should be the one trying to make things up to his son and build trust with the mother of his son.

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Anonymous

There was a mumwho wrote in about wanting to leave her child with her mum for a year and the judgement....the child was a product of rape. He leaves for two years and everyone thinks this mum should cater to him and his wants. Talk about double standards.

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Anonymous

Personally I don't give a crap about him. Never met him. But the child wants him there, so that's the priority. And as ex wife's.... We're going to meet the new girlfriends eventually so may as well pretend it doesn't hurt so our kids aren't caught in the middle.

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Anonymous

Obviously it isn’t the right time for this IM. Maybe she wants to do it on her terms and not in front of the entire family? I think she has earned that right and respect from him.

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Anonymous

I actually have a very good understanding of how blended families work, as a child I often had special days (think Christmases and birthdays) ruined because the adults couldn't keep the adult bullshit under wraps.
I don't think he's gone the best way about handling the situation but I can appreciate this is probably hard for him, I also appreciate that it's hard for the OP and I can see that she's understandably put out by this but at the end of the day, the child is happy for them both to be there so the adults involved should behave as such and embrace the situation so hopefully some positives can come of it!

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Anonymous

Me too. Hence why I am of the opinion to just set another plate. Adult crap ruining special days for kids is really damaging to a child.

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Anonymous

Your comment is balanced and acknowledges how hard it is for both. I was just really angry with the people who dismissed the IMs feelings by saying it is just another plate, with zero empathy or support for her feelings.

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Anonymous

I understand that, I guess some people just find it easier to be pragmatic about these things which can come off as a little unempatheic. I think it's important to consider everyone's feelings and to not be dismissive on either side though.

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Anonymous

Making excuses for him, and saying may as well and its inevitable so she may as well... Is really poor. At least acknowledge that he has been manipulative in telling the child and not her. While I understand the idea to grin and bear it for the child, ( and from everything this mum has written I believe that she will do exactly that if it comes to it) but that does not mean that the child dictates the coparenting relationships and visitation schedule. Decisions are made by the adults not the children.

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Anonymous

I agree, a lot people have a suck it up attitude. The child wants dad there, he can without gf as well. By putting it all down to “drama”, no one is acknowledging his shitty behaviour and the uncomfortable situation the IM is in.

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Anonymous

Is it really worth making a big deal about it?
Presumably a lot of your family and friends/people you know will be there, you think you're going to feel awkward - he's probably going to be feeling that ×10, I honestly don't blame him for wanting some moral support.
How do you be civilized? You behave like an adult. Sorry to be blunt but that's what you gotta do. You introduce yourself, be polite and have a chat. You're trying to reestablish a functional co-parenting relationship at this point, you really don't want to instigate any animosity.

Let bygones be bygones, he's made some bad choices in the past but it sounds like he's trying to rectify them now. There is a time and place where you'll need to discuss certain things, but your sons birthday party is not it!

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Anonymous

Hes done it wrong, but just remember its just this once. By christmas or next birthday he will either be present and be doing his own parenting on these occassions or you will be coparenting ok and him plus partner will be invited, or he'll be absent and thats your lesson learned and your right to completely refuse in future.
He seems to be missing the understanding and respect that youre doing it all and welcoming and supporting HIM to rebuild his parental role for now. If he turns out to be a selfish halfassed coparent, its hard - lots of us do it and it does suck. But you have the right to draw your boundaries and will need to do that. Events at your house are yours. But for this time, because hes new and its done, let it go, just see the flag and note it, it shows a lack of respect for the importance of the whole situation.

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Anonymous

As awkward as it is, I’d let this one go.
Your son gave you the heads up so you are prepared now.
It was going to be awkward with or without the girlfriend. Yes he should have told you, can you imagine having to walk into your house with all your friends and family there being alone?

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Anonymous

Him coming will make your child happy. Him bringing her will buffer him from any anger towards him and help diffuse the situation. If he wants her there she's clearly someone he's serious about so be pleased you're getting the chance to meet her.

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Anonymous

I am a bit old fashioned and you dont invite anyone to anything you were invited to without asking the host first so to me yes your ex has gone about this totally wrong. He should at least have the common courtesy to A) ask you first and B) introduce you to this new woman before the party. I would definetly call him out on it ( in private). Unfortunately because he has already opened his trap and told your son and your son is expecting them both I think the only thing you can do is just be civil as you can so your son doesnt pick up on any tension.

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Anonymous

I think he's a clueless douche but I reckon if he's not an asshole douche you could all discuss this like adults. Explain to him that it's really unfair of him to lump the new gf into a party full of people she doesn't know, that are likely to behave awkwardly towards her if not be outwardly hostile and that if he's willing to let her off the hook and just come to the party alone like a big boy (ok maybe don't use the "big boy" line) that you'll agree the 3 of you can take your son out for lunch or ice-cream within the next week so you will meet her. I can't imagine any scenario where him putting her in this situation ends well.
Not discrediting how you feel about it, we know as parents we have to do what we have to do and if that's dealing with a douchebag we chose to breed with then it is what it is but might be an angle you can use to get him to backup a few steps.
I personally would never in a million years have introduced someone "new" to my child for a very long time, what I see in the real world with friends and family is that I am the minority. Stability on your side will help your son deal with the hurricane that may be his fathers influence in regards to meet and greets with a line of lady friends with no thoughts of the consequences. Hopefully it doesn't happen, that this one is a nice chick when you get to know her and will stick around.

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Anonymous

I'd absolutley let her come. It's only awkward if you let it be. I think it's a great opportunity to connect with a women that will be spending some time with your son.
Be the bigger person. You never know. She might be nice. Create some positive relationships. Let your son see that he is the number one prioty.

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Anonymous

Same poster as the comment above, after reading the comments above I thought I should clarify. I have no judgement on this mumma. Only she knows her circumstance. I am also married so I can only go from my personal experience of being a child and having parents that hated each other. It absolutley ruined any special days including my wedding day. I was full of anxiety thinking about them in the same room. My dad was the worst and we are now not on speaking terms.
I can only say that I used to cry myself to sleep hoping to have parents that would just get past their shit. My mum really did try.... My dad was just bitter.
That's why I'm saying to just let her come. It'll mean more to your son than you know. And it might start a positive relationship here on in between you and your ex.

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