My little girl is 10 and her father & I are not together and haven’t been since soon after she was born. He didn’t have much to do with her until she was about 3, and even since then it’s been only a couple of times a year they see each other. I don’t limit contact or hold her back from him, he is able to see her or call her whenever he pleases. He just doesn’t call her or see her. Regardless of the minimal effort he puts in, she thinks he’s pretty great most of the time, and I encourage her to love him as at the end of the day, he is her dad. However, he has a family of his own- a wife and 3 children. They go on lavish holidays, live an exciting lifestyle, and the children are never without. Except for my daughter. She’s never been on a family holiday with them, never been invited, yet they will FaceTime her from the holiday to tell her how amazing it is. Her birthday falls in the school holidays, so they often forget her birthday as they’re off holidaying. I think from memory, they’ve possibly remembered 2, maybe 3 birthdays. She has occasionally spent some extended periods of time with them- a week here and there and says that while she is with them, she’s encouraged to spend her time looking after her siblings while her father and step mother do paperwork etc (they have a business).
My daughter is starting to understand what is happening and I’m so concerned for her. I’ve brought these issues up with them and I’m told none of it is intentional, it just is what it is. But there is a little girl in the middle here who is left out over and over, and I’m really feeling for her.
What do I do here? I can’t refuse contact, and I know I just have to let her make up her own mind on the situation but they make her feel really bad if she doesn’t want to see them. I’m so concerned that these current feelings of not feeling good enough are going to follow her into adolescence and adulthood.
Father/daughter relationship
Father/daughter relationship
Posted in:
Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour, Kids
4 Replies
You talk to her about boundaries and loving someone but also understanding theyre not perfect and if theyre not doing right for you its a good idea to put your boundaries up.
Right or wrong I tell my kids there are reasons why we dont live together anymore, because some things dad finds hard to do, dpesnt understand, does that are unfair etc and its not ok.
Actually for me its right as Ive had psych confirm thats how to handle my child. Maybe you could seek some professional advice just for your situation. It always helps to know youre doing the best thing.
"Oh sorry Hunny, I forgot your birthday and never invite you on family events, it just is what it is okay? I'm still going to make you feel bad if you don't want to see us..."
That is some bullshit right there!!
I understand how much that must hurt your daughter because that was me as a little girl too.
This often seems to be the way though, Dads move on and make a new family, then the first one becomes an afterthought.
I would actually seek some mediation, get some plans in place and make it known that this half arsed parenting thing he's currently doing is starting to impact her emotionally, it's not 'just how things are.
I literally wrote something about my dad the other day as I was in a situation so much like your daughter. I’ll post it because it might give you perspective from how she might see it once she’s grown up.
“I’ve always considered my relationship with my Dad really weird. I’ve always said that I just think he was far too young (17) when he had me, and it ruined any chance of ever having a “good” relationship with me, not that it was ever “bad” either. I guess we just never had that father/daughter bond you see some having. And I used to despise the fact it never felt like he made an effort and the only reason I ever saw him during my childhood was when my Nan would go out of her way to have me, and take me to see or stay with him on school holidays. I used to hate how he never knew what to say to me, or that he rarely ever made phone calls. But as I’ve gotten older, I think I’ve just accepted all that. I’ve come to realise that I am A LOT like him, and I rarely know what the right words to say are either. I think he is probably the biggest reason I know how to love at a distance, the reason I’ve accepted that you can love someone and not have to be in their life constantly. That you can think about someone every day, even if you don’t speak or see each other for months… 6 months… 8 months… more. That his silence often spoke volumes and hanging out with him was often just enough to last the distances in between. I don’t think I ever really truely knew who he was, until I got older and I can now see, he is someone so much like myself and that his often lengthy absence, taught me so much more then I could ever realise.”
I’ve come back to add a few things.
My dad and his new family often did things I was never included in. And I actually think I could count the amount of times I saw him from the age of ten, and I can remember only a handful of phone calls. Actually being that my step mum was the one to call me and announce I was going to have another brother.. and also she was the one who asked if it was okay that she elect a csection on the day of my birthday. I never got birthday phone calls either, and it was only once I was old enough for a mobile phone that I’d occasionally get a text message.
I was confused and it was hard to process and understand our relationship when I was younger. Most of the time I did just go with it but I do remember being upset and crying about it a few times.
Now that I am 25, and have kids of my own (and hope that my kids always have a full-time kind of relationship with their father) I still don’t see mine as a bad thing. I don’t hold any resentment or bad feelings towards him. I love my dad. I love my mum even more for being a single mother and raising me to be who I am on her own basically. But I love my Dad, for what he is. For what our relationship is, for what it always lacked. And now that I can see things from my perspective now, I’d never change it because I have a good head on my shoulders, and had he been more involved in my life, I wouldn’t be the same.
I hope that your daughter can feel the same way one day. I know it’s hard when our kids are going through less then ideal, or shitty situations, and you just to fix everything for them... because we never want to see our children upset. But so long as you step up to the role (which is sounds like you go above and beyond), then she is going to be fine. Ride along with her.
I will also add that I don’t think it’s fair they call while on holidays, that does seem a bit far and I’d just be mentioning not to do so anymore or don’t answer the calls when you know they just want to rub it in.