I'm wanting to ask a question in regards to my son calling his step mum "mum". Yesterday my son just randomly came out and said he calls my ex partner "mum". I was quite shocked at first and then upset. I asked if his father had asked him to and he said no (but knowing my ex it's a possibility he could have planted the idea in his mind) I asked my son why he calls her mum and he said it's because she takes care of me. I then said he already has a mum and that's me. He then said I know it's hard for you to understand and you're upset about it but I just do.
Let me get something off my chest here. I have raised this child 100% on my own even when I repartnered (and I ALWAYS corrected son when he called my partner dad, out of respect for my ex. He has a dad and that is my ex husband)
I have put in the hard yards with this child as he is ADHD & ASD, with NO financial contribution towards anything from my ex (not my choice) no outside help as I have no family or friends where I live. I've taken on both the roles as father and mother raising my child on my own. And now he wants to call another woman mum?!! I am beyond hurt it's not even funny. My ex has him once a fortnight. I've messaged my ex and told him this needs to stop as its not appropriate. I haven't gotten a reply yet.
I feel like everything I've ever done for this child is now worth nothing. Dad's always the fun parent. it's all bloody fun and games and no rules or consiquences . I know my son likes his dad more than me, he's told me on many occasion in his own way and that he wants to live with dad. I'm so hurt and frustrated and honestly a little jelous. I could justify my son calling ex's partner mum if I wasn't in the picture but I am!!!
I've told my son he isn't allowed to call her mum anymore and that it's upset me. But he said he didn't want to stop calling her mum!! He just doesn't understand how much he's hurt me and the reality of the situation. He sees this woman 2 times a month and that automatically qualifies her to be his mum?! I've earned the damn right to be called mum and now I feel like some other woman has stepped in and taken my place with no effort at all.
How can I deal with this? My partner and I will be sitting down with him tonight and talking a bit more about it with son but I can't help but feel rightly pissed off and heartbroken about this :(
32 Replies
As hard as it is, you have to find a way to let this go.
Kids don’t get it, and they shouldn’t get it, they won’t get it until they have kids if there own.
He is going to call the step parent what he likes unless you plan to follow him around 24/7 for the rest of yours and his life.
Kids will often call other people mum and dad, including a favourite teacher or kindy worker.
As hard as it is be grateful that someone in the other home cares for your son and is making sure his needs are being met there.
Nobody can or will ever replace you no matter what he calls them.
You need to let go and accept this.
Embrace the fact that your son has not 1, but 2 loving mothers in his life that he feels comfortable with. You need to be nurturing and fostering of this relationship. REGARDLESS of how much he or she has done for him.
It sounds like he goes there, is safe, well loved and comes home happy. So that is all you can ask for!!!
I’m a step mum and my kids also have a step mum. My step kids call me mum and honestly I love them like I love my own kids.
My kids sometimes call my ex husbands new partner mum. She is really amazing with the kids, a better parent to them than my ex husband. I appreciate that and also accept that it is wonderful all the kids have 2 “mums” who love them so much.
There are bigger fish to fry than this. So much goes on with step families and what they call their step mum really isn’t a big issue. Try to think positively about it, if the kids are happy at the end of the day that is the most you can ask for.
I am single mum with a repartnered ex, I get the hurt you must feel....however....it is so much better than the alternative, a mean jealous vindictive step mum that he hates.
I think you're over reacting, I called my step dad "dad" after asking him if it was ok with it. Because it was what I wanted. Not my mum not my dad but me. 8 year old me and if he had said no I probably would have asked him again a year or so later, it was my choice and I was thrilled that he allowed me to call him dad.
Now I'm in a new relationship well not new but not old. My daughter on her own volition decided to call her step dad "daddy ......." she was 4 when she decided that she wanted to call him dad and he has accepted it and my ex although not 100% ok with it has not kicked up a fuss about it because he realises that it is her decision not his. I have raised my children almost on my own. Their dad wasn't a very good dad especially a good full time dad.
You need to stop thinking as this as a bad thing and just think about it as your son does. This woman must make him feel safe and secure for him to want to call her mum. Even if she doesn't see much of her she is still a stable part of his life and I commend him for having such a lovely attitude towards his step parent. Instead of being an ungrateful little shit who's making her life hell by disrespecting her and treating her like trash. I bet you'd prefer that wouldn't you?
You sound selfish and jealous to be honest and sure you're allowed to but don't try and force your opinions onto your child as they are your opinions and not his. He's made his opinion clear and yet you're still trying to emotionally manipulate him to do your bidding. My children have also been an experience to raise. 3 on the spectrum and one also has ADHD. If they decided to call their step mum "mum" although it would sting a little I wouldn't tell them they couldn't do it. This is not about you it's about your child. Think about his feelings and not just about you and your feelings for once.
She also hasn't stolen your place for gods sake, he knows you exist, he knows you're the woman that gave birth to him. Emotional abuse is real and parents are the biggest culprits of it too. Look at what you're doing I bet when he turns 12 he'll make a decision to live with his dad because he doesn't want to be treated like a possession instead of a person. He is a person a human being with the ability to think and act for himself and with the way you're acting you are just going to push him away. You and your partner don't need to sit down with him, you and your partner need to respect his choices too. Especially in regards to who he chooses to call what.
Please don’t make your son feel bad about this or like he is betraying you, that’s not OK 🙁 He has been open about it and told you it was him the initiated it. He also gave very logical reasons for it. He is telling you that he is doing it because she cares for him well. That tells me that he is very comfortable with it. I agree, it is understandable that it hurts but take away all the feelings of annoyance, irritation and anger you have for the ex and let it go. I feel you telling him he can’t call her mum is just not justifiable.
Bugger that. I'd stipulate no calling anyone else mum in legal documents if I separated. She is not his mum. And I'm a child of divorce FYI. I have 1 mum and 1 dad.
It’s easy to say that while you’re married or living as a complete family... reality is the courts would laugh at you and lawyers would love you for all the money you can give fighting every small battle out. Let’s face it they get paid well to watch adults put their own agendas first 🤷♀️ Massive money maker but not even the lawyers have the kids best interests at heart. There no job for them if people can adult and co parent efficiently. Hope you never separate.
Also, theres a difference between teaching a little baby what to call someone compared to a 15 year old, who can decide or at least has input and can definitely refuse.
👍🏻
This is instigated by your son not by your ex or his partner he has explained with what seems great articulation about why this is important to him. Sometimes being a parent as hard as it is we have to suck up the shit and put on a brave face for the sake of our childrens happiness and their decisions in life.
In another note the resentment you hold against your ex is toxic. You need to find a way to let it go. My mother has the same resentment towards my father and as an adult, her child and mother of her grand children at times it makes life for us kids extremely difficult. And even as adults we kids still feel we have to choose. Dont be that mum for the sake of your child please dont.
Yeah I don't agree with it and see why you're upset. I would go ape shit if my kids called my exes partner Mum and I wouldn't allow them to call my partner Dad. If this really is his own choice perhaps it can be changed to 'Mum *her name*'. Eg. Mum Chloe.
I can see why you’re so upset and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either.
But when you mentioned he has tried calling your partner father before, and you’ve corrected him... it does make me wonder if your son just loosely throws the “mum” and “dad” names around and doesn’t understand the importance of the names or how much it can hurt the other parent.
You don’t mention how old he is but that he has ADHD and ASD. Could it be that he feels more safe and secure the more mums/dads he has? I don’t know if that makes sense, but it might be a comfort thing... especially since he has never usually been away from you, now spending occasional time with them... ?
But please don’t make him feel bad about this. Just talk through with him about how upset it makes you because you thought you would be his one and only mum. Tell him you’ll give him some time to think about it and decide if he wants to keep calling her mum and let him sit on it for a while.
I’d be completely heartbroken too but I’d also be even more terrified about mentally scarring him for disregarding his reasoning/feelings
Perhaps explain that mum refers to the person that gave birth to you... So he can't call her mum but he can call her by her name.
So you're saying adopted children can't call their mum and dad, mum and dad because they didn't give birth to them?? Are you saying children born via surrogate can't call their biological mum, mum? Think carefully just because someone didn't birth you or weren't part of the procreation process doesn't mean they aren't your mum or dad.
Parenting is a thankless job and i can understand how hurt you must feel but forbidding him from referring to her as mum is only going to hurt your son and he probably won't stop doing it anyway, he'll just learn to be more secretive about it.
I feel like you're going to make a rod for your own back here, you're inadvertantly teaching him that there's things he can't talk to you about without you getting upset or angry and he'll just stop talking to you in general.
Look at it like this. Imagine there is a big circle around your little boy. Outside the circle is all the adult stuff you have had to deal with with your ex eg. No financial contribution, limited help etc...
But inside the circle your little boy has these parents who he loves. He feels secure with their love and their ability to care for him. He uses the title that he associates with being loved and cared for which is mum.
your little boy is completely oblivious to all of that crap because hes just sitting in his circle in his little blissful world. That means you have done a good job. I wouldn't take offence to it. It means he feels safe and secure and loved. He may call her mum for a long time, it might be just a short period of time, but take comfort in the fact its because hes being cared for.
Love this ❤️
It sounds like you've carried such a heavy load that you feel 'owed' to have the only say, and I get it, but unfortunately that's not the way it works. His dad is involved, just as your partner must have parented him too.
It sounds like you set the rule about having one dad and one mum as that's what you believe in, but unfortunately you can't expect to have that reciprocated.
Your child is old enough now to decide, and you trying to overrule or bully everyone into your way won't endear you to anyone.
From his point of view, it's just simpler - I called my friends mum mum. It's nice to have a village and feel part of a village - teen years is when they need to branch out. It doesn't mean they replace you as mum. Also it probably makes things easier so that he doesn't have to explain the relationships all the time, just saying dad and mum.. Etc.
I understand how you feel, but i think on this one now the meeting should be for you to say 'I understand that you want to call her mum, I'm glad she looks after you well and she's someone in this world who you can rely on, and I'm glad you were honest and told me even though it hurt me at first'
1 mum and 1 dad isn't a rule you set. It's biology. Dad should reinforce that and frankly, so should the girlfriend.
Unfortunately it is a choice/ decision each household and child can make. How old is your child? How long has he known her?
I get that its only 2 fortnights a weekend and so you do EVERYTHING, trust me, I get it. But to a kid, a parent is a parent. Amount of time spent together doesnt change that.
So kids that are adopted can't call their parents mum and dad?? 🤷♀️
So I'm not allowed to call my step dad, Dad because he didn't help make me? Even tho he's been there since I was 3 and always treated me as his own? What a ridiculous thing to say.
Id also advise you to take a big step back and start calling dad and 'mum' in to do the heavy lifting of parenting.
I think it’s about not seeing your child as a possession but a person in their own right and honouring their thoughts and feelings. Respecting their point of view and supporting them, even if it hurts. We make a lot of sacrifices as parents, it doesn’t mean we are owed anything. Your child didn’t ask to be born and certainly didn’t choose to have the conditions he has.
Hear hear
My son only refers to my exes partner by her first name as he understands he only has one mum and he also has special needs and it was also repeated to my ex that it was to be that way and he also understands his half brother and him share same dad but have each their own mum
If it’s your sons choice then fair enough you have to let it go and respect his choice. If like in my case the step Mum beats him when he doesn’t call her Mum and forces it to be hidden and claims we do because we love her not fear her then yes I understand the dislike of calling her Mum! It’s your sons choice at the end of the day if done my his own free will!
So I would be cut if this happened, but he obviously loves this woman and she must be good to him for this to be something he wants to do and is brave enough to tell you about it. Maybe instead of being gutted you would take that adult emotion and keep it to your self. We call lots of people aunt and uncle when they are not because we want to treat them like family, your little dude sees this lady as family. You feelings are valid but going off like a frog in a sock maybe unnecessary. I hope you can see this for what it is a kid who is happy. Sounds like you are all winning
Seek counselling to deal with your hurt. You’ll end up pushing him away if you don’t respect your child’s wishes.
If there’s step children in the household when he’s there calling her mum, perhaps it makes him feel included and part of the family to call her mum as well.
I have children with autism, I’d go with what is easy and comfortable for them and deal with my hurt feelings on my own, as an adult. I’ll say it again. Counseling. This shit is hard, don’t be the toxic one in all of this.
I’m that “step mum” The kids asked me if it was okay to call me mum and I said it was okay with me BUT they had to speak to their dad about it - he was fine with it. Both myself and my partner (the kids father) got abused for apparently drilling it into their heads that I was their mum. The kids also got into big trouble and yelled at from their bio mum for calling me mum. They were absolutely heartbroken and cried about it because they couldn’t understand what they did wrong. It also pushed the kids further away from her and closer to me. Your child doesn’t understand, don’t keep pushing him over it and trying to get your own way. Don’t be that mum that loses that close bond with their child over something so silly and something he doesn’t understand.
Dear mama, I'm in the same position and I feel the same hurt everytime I hear it and everytime my son's dad refers to stepmum as mum instead of me, as well as the stepmum herself refers to herself as mum too. I am with you mama I get it. No matter what anyone says the truth is that the emotional trigger is there whenever your darling son calls another woman mum the pain in your body is real.
What I have had to do and still am doing every day is looking into my own self to understand why it hurts me so much, because that is the best place to start healing from the hurt, and to get to a place where it doesn't hurt anymore.
It is for me impossible to change my outter reality with force or any kind of mature enlightened conversation with his dad or stepmum and I definitely don't want to push anything on my son that he doesn't want to change in his own world. He is happy and content with his decision and I don't feel good about trying to change this.
So the only thing I can say if you are wanting to be free from the pain of it is to try go within yourself to understand why it hurts you so much and take baby steps to heal from it. There are also amazing people out there that can help you through this.
Give yourself a big hug mama, you deserve it.
Mamabear