Moving in together when both have kids

Anonymous

Moving in together when both have kids

Asking mixed families or previously mixed families, when did you move in with each other? Was it too soon, not soon enough? What mistakes did you make and what would you redo if you had a chance, in regards to rules and all that stuff.

I have a 14 and 17 year old he has a 14 year old and we have been together over 2 years. He wants me to move in with him to his place an hour away, he has his own place and I am renting so practically this makes more sense if we were to move in together. But I just don't think our kids are going to gel together under one roof and it will end in us fighting and separating. I want to leave it until the kids have left home and its just us, he doesn't want to wait that long.

3 Replies

Anonymous

I think there's a really fine line of compromise here. How will your kids feel about moving schools (or the extra travel to school)? What does this mean for their friendship groups? Do they get along well with your partner? Your kids are at the age where you can talk to them about this stuff and see what they're mindset is.

Is there the opportunity to meet halfway so you're only half an hour away, not one hour?

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Anonymous

Have the kids actually met? Do they spend any time together? That needs to happen first before even considering moving. Also you need to take into account how your kids will get to school etc. moving schools when they are already settled in high school just wouldn’t be an option for me.
How do your kids feel about moving etc.?

You are right you have hit the age brackets where blending families is extra tricky and it needs to be done with a lot of care. Details need to be discussed in detail before making a decision to move in. Your partner needs to be prepared to discuss these issues in detail. What will the rules of the house be, what rooms will the kids have, do you run your families in a similar manner? What are your rules for negotiating conflict between the kids? Although there needs to be some consistency in regards to how you both parent, it’s too late for either of you to step in as a parental figure to teenagers, at most you can expect to be a respected so how will you both handle it when the others kids do something wrong?

A lot to think about and nut out before taking the step

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Anonymous

I think if you're not 100% sold on the idea you should wait but waiting til the kids all move out isn't ideal either. Most kids aren't moving out til their early 20s now, even if the youngest ones move out at 18 that's still 4 years away minimum. That said if the kids will need to move schools I'd be more inclined to stay til they've finished school, especially if they're adamantly against it.

Just from my experience as a kid, my Dad moved into his girlfriend's home. My brother and I never felt like it was our home too, we felt more like guests that were putting people out and our step siblings never missed an opportunity to remind us it was their house first. So that's something to think about, if your kids aren't going to be completely welcomed and treated equally that will cause issues (which sounds like what you may be worried about).

It depends too on your relationship, is it strong and healthy, do you see a future with him? Or will the stress of blending a family be too much?
Ultimately you're the one making a lot of sacrifices and taking on the risk really. You're moving your whole life to him, if it doesn't work out will you have anywhere to go? I think it would be wise to not rush this decision and not to let your boyfriend push you if you're not ready.

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