I’d love to hear other opinions as my hubby is having major disagreements with his ex (I’m a step-mumma to hubby’s 2 kids).
The ex wants us to buy a $1000 birthday present for his 9 year old because “that’s what she wants.” The ex is now getting shirty with us because we said “maybe.” She wants us to either lock it in or not, so that she can tell Miss 9 whether she’s getting xyz present.
Apart from whether or not we spend $1k on a 9 year old, we believe in presents being a surprise (why else would you wrap them???).
It’s causing a lot of drama because my hubby said “she can wait and see what she gets,” and the ex is furious that he has said that.
I’d just like to know what other families do, in case we are being unfair to force his ex’s family to deal with our tradition of surprises.
(Sidenote; the kids are never disappointed in my husband’s gift choices. He is a really good listener and keeps his ear out for things they want throughout the year, and we sneakily buy stuff from their Wishlist when they are on special or whatever and squirrel them away for birthday or Xmas. So it’s not like Dad is going to get Miss 9 a crappy present or anything. ALSO, the kids Mum and I chat throughout the year on what we are getting so we don’t double up on presents).
28 Replies
Personally I don't think I'd be buying a 9 year old a $1000 present just because that's what they want. It sounds to be the 9year old is a bit pandered too if she needs to know what she is getting before the day!
I definitely think that presents should be a surprise but there are exceptions to that rule.
Personally, if I was dad, I'd be making it clear you will be buying your own presents from now on and if mum wants to spend that much that's on her.
I mean what's going to be the expectation when the child is 13, 15, 16! Nip this in the bud now while the child is young enough.
I also agree with the person who said it would be an outright NO so the child doesn’t expect a stupidly expensive gift.
Sounds like a stupid argument honestly. There is no rule, she will need to budget and I can see the exes point of view - ita obviously something huge and special, if shes not getting it its not fair to let her hope and surprise her on the day that shes not getting it. Best to let her knowits not possible now and encourage her to ask for other things. just give the ex an answer thats all she wants.
Ridiculous, I would never spend that much on a 9 year old. Interested to know what it is? I have a $150 limit on bday presents and my kids are all teenagers, but I have broken that rule this year for my daughters 18th with Bruno mars tickets. But its an 18th. I wouldnt have even given his ex a maybe it would have been a no.
Christ!
If you guys are forking out $1000 on a gift (which I think is extremely exorbitant for a 9 year old) I think you have every right to ask it be kept a surprise. I'm assuming this is a techy gift for that price?
When my kids ask me what I'm getting them for their Birthday or Christmas, I tell them it's none of their business. Because it isn't. It's not theirs until they receive it.
I can understand the mum wanting to know so she can either tell the daughter yes or no. It's obviously a very large gift (I assume maybe a phone?) and if she knows she can let the daughter know so she isn't disappointed.
One birthday I had asked for a very specific gift over and over, I wrote about it and spoke about it continuously and I legit thought I was getting it. Come the day, I didn't receive the gift and I had a complete meltdown as I really had expected it. Meltdown as in cried after opening the last present. Knowing I wasn't getting it would have been so much easier.
I don't think it's an excessive amount to spend on a gift, obviously everyone has their own budgets and can afford different things but in my family it's always approx. $500 - 1000 per person for gifts.
Geez u must be very well off! Maybe u could donate to some charitys too:)
Certainly not well off by any means, but doing okay and save very hard to spoil our family :) we do donate to charity when we can and also all our clothes go to op shops.
It’s highly insulting to assume a family that spends $500-1000 on a gift is well off enough to “maybe” donate to charities. Not the poster but in my circumstances, why should I have to explain to someone that thinks “Geez u must be very well off! Maybe u could donate to some charities too” the 2 direct debits going to Australian charities every month and the regular SLS donations as well (I can’t swim, I’m so going to need those guys one day), the purchase of products from charity organisations supporting women and children in less fortunate places to avoid exploitation, the numerous co-workers kids/grandkids school/kindy/sports team fundraisers ordered through (for stuff I don’t need or use so is given to nieces and nephews anyway), the sponsorships for friends or acquaintances to shave for a cure, do fun runs or grow a mo for movember, the hundreds of dollars spent on kids Christmas presents to go under the tree for families registered with local charities and the hundreds of dollars spent helping put together food and basics hampers to get them through the silly season with a little less worry and some smiles instead of tears. I’m now also considering a volunteer administration position in a local organisation that brings an event to our town once a year which supports our immediate economy, I already work a 60+ hour week in management level employment so it would be in a supporting role but what I lack in time I make up for in communication and networking skills, willingness to learn and the determination to follow through once I put my name to something. Not to mention the personal integrity that sees me do absolutely everything I try my hand at to the best of my ability.
I could say someone that can’t give a gift of this value must have a lot of time on their hands due to the time they’re perhaps not spending working and should be giving the equivalent time to charities, fundraisers and helping those less fortunate. But that would be a generalisation, and insulting – doesn’t feel so good when it’s coming back now does it? A timely reminder to think before speaking (or typing).
Everyone with food on their table, clothes on their back and a roof over their head has some ability to give. Consider what you’ve got to give yourself because I can guarantee you’re “well-off” in something.
No actually it's not always a case of can't afford it, it's a case of not wanting to waste such a huge amount of money because i can guarantee that when kids grow up they aren't really going to think about that $1000 gift that you gave them that the novelty wore off, it's going to be the amazing family things they did and the adventures they went on. Kids who get this amount of money spent on a birthday present are probably going to grow up as spoilt little brats who can't appreciate the small things in life.
I'm sorry if i insulted you it wasn't meant to come across like that and no you don't have to explain yourself at all! We are all different and have different opinions and that is just mine. Good on you tho for all the hard work you do and the charity stuff as i'm sure your making a huge difference in someones life
Doesn't it depend on what the gift is? I got a flute for my birthday at 9. I still play the professional flute that was 2500 second hand I got in high school now at 37. It developed a love. Or the speed bmx bike my mate bought his son for his 5th birthday... He wins competitions every Friday night at the track. Or the motorbike we bought our son... We're all taking our bikes out tomorrow. The only one who doesn't have 1 us our daughter who just turned 4. She will get one for her 5th birthday. Or the canoe we bought our son for thus year? The gift might not be a toy that will break. It may be something that will start a life long love/hobby. Stop judging. Some parents buy presents that encourage passion, active lifestyles etc. Sometimes these presents are cheap like soccer balls and goals. Sometimes not...
I couldn't give a hoot how much others spend on their kids but I tell you now if my kids cried or had a meltdown because they developed an expectation of getting something and they didn't end up getting it - my word, gifts would be few and far between until they could show more gratitude.
I've told my kids from the get go that gifts are a privilege and a treat not just something they're entitled to because it's their birthday or Christmas and even if it's not something they really wanted they are to be appreciative and consider the time and thought that went into the gift.
I find it really sad that people would have to prepare their kids for disappointment on their birthday, they should just be happy to get what they get!
Totally agree. I'm the mum that buys canoes/motorbikes. We've also had years we bought coloring in books and pencils. The cost is irrelevant. It's a gift and graciousness is a quality that should be encouraged
Yes if it's something like u mentioned but not let them develop an expectation of a huge amount being spent on them every time. But as someone else said they should be greatful for what they get. Spending huge amounts every bday xmas or whatever special day is way over the top! Once in a while if they have proved to be responsible then maybe depending what it is like u said.
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I just tell my kids they get what they get and they don't get upset when they ask. I also have no issue with the amount for a specific gift (though I wouldn't get a 9 year old a phone) but I do have an issue with entitled behaviour.
I’m the original commenter - I wasn’t offended by the comment about donating to charity. We help out where we can with issues close to our hearts. However we always put ourselves first, food on the table, mortgage paid, clothes on our backs. And when we save enough we spoil ourselves and the kids because life is too short.
I disagree that kids who have large amounts spent on them turn into spoilt brats. My parents are very well off and always spent huge amounts on us. We were always very appreciate and humble for our gifts and some of the bigger items most certainly have stuck with us :) personally, I think good on the people who can afford to spend that amount, they’ve worked hard to get where they are and their fortune shows for it.
If it weren’t for stupid tax then maybe we could donate more to charity.
No where in the post does it say that this nine year old doesn’t appreciate gifts....it just says mum wants to let her know if she can’t get it, probably because this little girl wants this particular thing so much. Did any of you, ever have kids, or in your own childhood, really, really want something specific? It doesn’t make you a bad kid. I also disagree that kids expect it every birthday, we all had birthdays where we got big stuff and birthdays where we got cheap stuff.
Umm yes it does in the comments above someone said they’ll grow up to be spoilt brats or aren’t appreciative.
I mean in the original post!
Well your commenting on my comment saying it doesn't say it....
Maybe keep gifts separate? I don't have an issue spending that on a big gift like a motorbike, musical instrument etc... But keeping gifts separate will keep it simple. If you do collaborate, you should meet and gift it together so that you all get to share her joy in receiving the gift.
Noway would i be spending that amount on a 9 year old! Keep it all separate from the ex otherwise it's prob going to blow up big time one day!
Do whatever the hell you want to do. No way I'd be buying a $1000 gift for a child! I wouldn't even spend that on myself.
Tell the ex to mind her business and you'll buy what you want, and it will be a surprise. (As it should be!).
If this is something the child absolutely wanted, potentially needed and was not a wasteful purchase (fad type toys etc) I would offer to go halves with the ex and then add a separate "surprise" gift.
Absolutely depends on what the gift is, how much the child has wanted it/for how long and I assume this is the first time they have asked you to go halves, so it must be pretty important. Custodial parents always seem to have to find the dollars for the big ticket stuff, if you agree with the present and feel this little girl deserves it, isn’t a spoilt brat and will appreciate it, why not help her mum out? Some birthdays I got big ticket items, others not, it doesn’t mean she will expect it every birthday. If it is something she has been dying for for ages, I can understand why mum wants to tell her if it is feasible or not.
Maybe it's because she wants to know if she should buy it instead. I know what it's like waiting on someone who has said they will or might buy something and never do which means I end up not getting it. In my case it was only a basketball hoop but depending on what it is maybe the mum would like the chance to buy it. Or maybe the mother just doesn't want her to be disappointed as that's a pretty big ask.
Maybe she wants to know so that if you don't get that particular gift she can spend more on something extra special? Maybe she doesn't want to overdo the extra special gifts on the day? If we give our kids an expensive gift, they get very little else lol! Sometimes a person's stated reason for asking is not their deep down actual reason.