ok IM's so my ex and i split nearly over three years ago but we were together for 7 and a half years. i just found out by my ex's sister that his father had died last week ( my childrens grandfather) from lung cancer. is it wrong of me to feel hurt that i was not told? my kids were told but were told not to tell me ( they are 8,6 and 5) i feel hurt that i was not told as he was apart of my life for a long time. and im also hurt i couldnt help my children better understand and ive been telling them off for acting out (they were very close to him) His funeral was held yesterday too. should i feel upset and hurt? He was a good man and a big part of mine and the children's lives.
7 Replies
It was misguided of them to do what they did. Different people deal with grief in different ways and it often brings out the worse in people.
Don't allow there misguidedness to take up your emotional energy. Concentrate on supporting your children.
It was unfair to do that to the child. It could be that the ex didnt have the emotional room for any drama if he feqred you would push yourself into it. I dont know you or him so I dont know. It was a bad thing to do, but its done and as his dads died I would say dont make it into anything, you know now.
I don't see an issue with you not being told by adults, but for the kids to be told not to tell you I completely disagree with.
I think so... in fact absolutely! Purely for co-parenting. You need to be in the loop because the kids need your support at times like that. In saying that try to get past it as soon as possible because they did what they did and it can’t be changed. Move on and maybe have a chat with the ex about letting you know next time. Explain you thought they were acting out and could have better supported them had you known what it was about.
If they'd just not thought to tell you or didn't think they needed to tell you, that's one thing but for them to specifically tell the kids to keep it from you is unbelievably petty, spiteful and frankly really stupid - encouraging kids to keep secrets from their parents is never a good idea and I can't even imagine how that must've made your kids feel so I don't blame you for being angry about it!
It sounds like they aren't the type of people who take well to rational discussions so I'd talk to your kids about it instead. Let them know that if something like this has happened or anything really, they can tell you anything even (especially) if someone has told them to keep it secret, tell them they don't ever have to keep a secret from you. Tell them you'll always be there to help and listen. Tell them it's OK to talk about their grandpa and it's OK to miss him.
At least you do know what's going on now so you can help them through the grieving process.
My boys have been frequently been told they are not to tell me what happens at their fathers house. I ended up talking to both my boys, separately while one was in the shower, and told them that can tell me anything and it won’t go any further than me unless they or someone else is in danger of being hurt. My youngest would wait for his brother to go to the shower, particularly on the day they come back from their fathers, then tell what they’ve been up to. Nearly three years later, they will both talk to me whenever and not worry if the other is listening.
It is not fair on the children for them to be told to keep secrets from the other parent.
How petty of them! I went to my ex husband’s father’s funeral. I was there with my kids, I sat behind them and their dad. My ex MIL and her husband are arseholes, but I really liked my ex FIL and his wife, she made me feel so welcome. I am still part of the family because of our kids.
I can fully understand how you feel but what can you do? Clearly shows why this bloke is now your ex!! What a dick!