Am I being selfish

Anonymous

Am I being selfish

My hubby has recently changed his mind and wants to move back to his hometown to be closer to family rather than move back to a different city, but I do not want to return there as I was never really happy there. We have been living interstate for a number of years and have a child together.

He believes every reason i give isn't good enough and that i am not supporting him as i should be after he moved with me interstate. This has put a big strain on our relationship and my anxiety. I fully support him to pursue what he wants to do up there if he wants to go but I do not want to move there and i wouldn't let my child go there without me. Every time we talk about this i am made to feel selfish and that I'm not being supportive of him which is far from it.

I've tried suggesting that he go and we move as we had originally had planned and he could move down to us when he reaches his goal which gets shut down immediately. I understand that this is not ideal for him to be away from us for so long but i have stated on many occasions that i didn't want to return there. Ive tried to compromise with the location and it seems is his way or no way at all.

I had bad experiences at work up there with being bullied by people i work with so i don't want to put myself in that situation again. Am I being selfish or unreasonable?

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Kids

20 Replies

Anonymous

Can you move to where your husband's family is as a temporary plan? Would you have to return to the same workplace as you were bullied at?
Then when husband completes whatever his goal is, move onto where you want to be. Sounds like he might miss his family too.
I don't think living separately in different states is the most reasonable plan unless your bith willing to travel frewuently do your child can see the other parent.

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Anonymous

i thought of this but im worried that once i get there and stay temporarily then when i decide that id like to leave that he would turn around and say no and then im stuck there.

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Anonymous

Hmm thats fare enough. Maybe the pair of you need to sit down and write a pros and cons list of both options and weight up the benefits for all three of you.

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Anonymous

He is really his way or no way at all despite me trying to compromise.

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Anonymous

I don’t think your compromise of living apart is really a valid solution. I’m not sure of the answer but a lot of people like to live close to family, especially if they have children. I hope you two can sort it out soon, sounds like you are at a Mexican stand off, wishing you the best xx

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Anonymous

If you don’t want to move there then don’t ever move there even temporarily as otherwise DH can stop your child from leaving there and you’ll be stuck there as well.

Why can DH claim that you are not supporting him when he is just as equally not supporting you?

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Anonymous

It depends, what is his project he wants to do? Are you struggling financially where you are and need to put food on the table or does he just prefer it there? What do you have going on where you want to live, like a good job, friends etc? Too many variables to make a judgement I think.

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Anonymous

He wants to make career changes which is fair enough and be closer to family for help with our child. Not really struggling financially but are tight due to saving for the move which we have been for a while now. There are more opportunities to move with the company i currently work for which will make it easier to get enough hours.

Not really a social person but i think it would be the perfect place for our child to live and we would be closer to family and friends than we currently are.

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Anonymous

Without knowing more details about his goal and reasons why you specifically don’t want to go back, I feel like you’re both in the wrong because you both sound inconsiderate for each other’s feelings about this.

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Anonymous

I do feel truly horrible and i understand his point of view but if i do things his way and go there even temporarily, later down the track i want to move then i would be stuck if he decides that he doesn't want to. I don't want to be stuck in a place i hate because he won't let me move.

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Anonymous

You guys are meant to be a team. One of you needs to put the other first. Put aside pride and stubbornness and actually talk through pros and cons. Being close to family when you have children can be make or break for some people

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Anonymous

Honestly it sounds like you don’t trust him and don’t think this relationship will work out in the long run. I can understand why you don’t want to move. It sounds like there are bigger issues going on but your are both arguing about this topic rather than working on what is really going on.

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Anonymous

Youre absolutely right in not mpving if its not the right thing for you.
And i say that as someone who likes to move a lot. But once you have children you have to think hard, especially if you seperate.

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Anonymous

Can you just stay where you are? Then there is no where to move to decision to make.

What is it about the place your wanting to move to that make it ideal for your family?
Unfortunately no one can make the decision for you guys but it sounds like you both want ypur way (living in seperate cities isnt really a compromise and isnt very realistic).

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Anonymous

I've been with my partner for 12 years, if there's anything I've learnt in that time is that flat out 'NO' doesn't work but there is always a compromise.
You're at an impase right now because you're flat out saying "no, I'll never want to move back to your home town" and he's flat out saying "No, I'll never live anywhere other than my home town"
I don't want to say you're both being selfish because you both have very valid reasons for wanting/not wanting to move there but I do think you're both being a bit self absorbed by your unwillingness to hear things from each others point of view.

I truly do think there is a compromise here but you both need to be a bit more flexible.

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Anonymous

I think you both need to work on a compromise. Neither of you want what the other does in this situation so you need to try to find a solution that works for both of you. This will mean you both need to be a little bit more flexible on what you want. One thing I will say though is that you can't say you won't allow him to take YOUR child there.. it's just as much his child as it is yours. And it's a child, not a piece of property. Being near family might be extremely beneficial for the child after all, so please consider what is in their best interests too.
I hope you can both come to an agreement together

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Anonymous

I had this problem with my now ex husband.
He wanted to move to his home town because his family were there and blamed me incredibly for ‘making him move interstate’ (his choice!) - ultimately, he want down there because we separated and realised how much he hates it. I still divorced him but he can live wherever he likes without giving me trouble.

I know it isn’t exactly the same for you and isn’t a desired outcome but it was the best for us

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Anonymous

OP here. I think fear of isolation is the reason i don't want to go back. Ive dealt with being blamed and even resented for the last 7 years that i fear that i may resent him if
we move back and it would be the end of our marriage. I understand why he wants to go back and i want him to do the things he wants to do.

Now that we have a child it certainly makes this situation much more delicate. I definatley won't stop him from having a relationship with our child and would make sure that we would have suitable plans in place if we were to seperate but we aren't at that stage yet. I still hope that we are able to come up with a compromise that suits us both but he is adamant that is his way or no way.

I can't stay here coz if he does move we will be too far away from each other for them both to have a meaningful relationship and he doesn't want to stay which is exactly how i feel. Moving interstate was supposed to be a short term thing, we were young and childless at the time and moving to a different state seemed like a great little adventure for us.

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Anonymous

If you and your child are settled and happy, well that’s 2 for, one against (the move)

I think there’s bigger issues going on and you both need relationship counseling.

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Anonymous

I have mentioned going to see someone together to help us find some common ground but he isn't interested. We have tried counseling before and we never went back coz i felt he wasn't interested in going. Due to my PTSD and anxiety issues i have sought help in the past and are currently seeing someone to help me better understand my feelings and being able to communicate better with him which i have always struggled with.

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