Hi all.
So after yrs of seeing a counsellor about my child bully I find out after 9 yrs he is moving back home yes my brother is moving back home to my parents he is in his mid 30's
I'm so angry & upset.
My mother knows I've had counselling about him but seems to have forgotten.
I know it's her only son but he has caused alot of debt for them & I can see he will do it again.
He just hasn't changed.
He is the type of person who can do no wrong in his eyes oh & my parents. Is always right. He manipulates & promises endless promises of paying my parents back.
In his eyes he has to put me down I can't do anything right I'm just a dumb little shit. I know nothing about nothing & he knows everything.
He even thinks it's ok to touch women physically yup he had grabbed me by the throat because i wouldn't listen to him yelling at me & he was on medication when he physically touched his gf but my mum says it's all good now he is off that medication that was making him not think. Well he wasn't on any medication when he touched me. I was also living with him I had a place I was renting my friend moved out my brother cried wanting my help & I helped him he touched me I walked out. I don't put up with shit. You hurt me your dead to me pretty much.
I need help in how to deal with my brother. I've cried, I've got anxiety, I don't want to go back & see my counsellor I thought I was over all this shit 9 yrs ago but it's coming back. I love my brother don't get me wrong I HATE the person he is. Oh & his gf didn't leave him & she is going to be living at my parents too. I so badly want to tell her he will never change. I would tell every women to run from him coz he just doesn't deserve a nicely lady coz he will treat them like dirt.
9 Replies
I think this is one of those situations where you have to get all the emotion out using what ever method works for you and make a deal with yourself to not visit your parents home anymore.
People are entitled to make there own mistakes and give there children chances. Doesn't mean you have to put yourself within his reach.
It sucks, it's hard but sometimes you have to prioritise you when others won't.
Speak to your counsellor about it and what kind of boundaries you can put up to protect yourself.
Might be an idea to bring your parents along as well to discuss together how best to proceed for you as well. Might open their eyes to have a professional reinforce your needs.speak to your counsellor see what they say.
Great idea if you mum and/or dad are willing to come to a session.
You can’t control your parents. They are not innocent in this either - they are his enablers, which is sometimes worse than the abusive bully themselves as they know what is happening but do not make any effort to stop it.
What you can control is your interactions with him. Inform your parents you will not be at their house while he is living there. You are happy to meet them in public or they can visit you at your home. If he turns up with them, leave or do not let them in. Inform your parents you do not wish to speak about him, if they start a conversation, hang up the phone or leave.
You have all the control here. Set your boundaries and enforce them.
He's obviously needing help from his parents, be it financial, emotional or just temporary accommodation. He should be able to go to them. Just see your mum at your house if you need to avoid your brother.
If you don't feel you can go back to your counselor, get a referral to a psychologist. It sounds like you need help with your anxiety (CBT may help dramatically with this) possible PTSD, and also figuring out what your boundaries are. Look at what you can control and change to keep yourself safe and start there. Good luck.
I have a toxic brother as well. As children he would beat up on me, misbehave and blame it on me - this one occassion still upsets me, he had flushed peas down the toilet and blamed it on me, I ended up being grounded for a few weeks and disinvited to my aunty's birthday and he's pulling faces behind my grandmother's back who was punishing me at the time. Basically he was a typical asshole kid.
We've never really been close but the last straw was when we went out drinking one new years, he ended up beating me so bad I woke up in hospital with a busted up face and needing 4 stitches. He woke up in an alley with bloodied hands. He apologised to everyone else but to me. I saw him about a week later and he expected I would just forgive him.
My family eventually stopped being angry at him and he's needed mum's help from time to time, which of course she has given it. At first I felt betrayed, how can they forgive him so easily? But I eventually realised that my feelings are not theirs, my issues with him are not theirs. He will always be her son and my mum being the wonderful woman she is wants to support him and help him towards being a better person. Her supporting him doesn't mean she loves me less.
These days I just don't see him. Maybe once or twice a year at big family functions. When he lived at my parents house, I just saw my mum out for lunch or had her come to my house. Sometimes she would ask him to leave for the afternoon and he would (when it was fresh) it's been 4/5 years since the incident now and I'm able to be in the same room without bursting into tears.
My advice to you is to seek more therapy (whether that be from counselling or through a pyschologist*) and learn to detach yourself from him. If he's manipulating and mooching off your parents, then that's their problem to deal with. If his girlfriend chooses to stay with him, that's her choice. Don't feel guilty for hating your brother, he's deserved your enmity.
*Medicare has a mental health plan that entitles you to 5 or 6 visits to a psychologist. You just need to get a referral from your GP.
He sounds unsafe to be around at least unless he is in treatment and admits what he's doing is wrong. Choking is a very serious sign in terms of family violence and should be taken very seriously as there are big risks involved. I hope you can connect with your supports to get through this transition time (even though you don't want to have to - understandable, and bloody well shouldn't have to- only you are better off with support IMO). Your counsellor can help you figure out what you need to do and who you need to communicate with and how to keep yourself safe and away from him. It would be great if you could reach out to his girlfriend discreetly even if she might not be able to hear it now about the choking because if he's done it to you he'll likely do it to her and you might in future be her lifeline. You could take out an intervention order against him if you don't want him to be allowed to approach you. Your parents are likely not to understand but your well-being is more important and they are making excuses for him. When you say physically touched do you mean physically violent? Let's call it for what it is! Medication doesn't make you violent. You mother should know (but doesn't look yet willing to see) that it is not the medication that fuels it, he has beliefs about his entitlement to hurt women to try to shut them up. Wishing you so much luck and love hunny. Find people who believe you. We do.
Poster here. Thanks so much for all your support. I've broken down crying to my mum about it. She feels the same. She's very worried about what he is going to do this time. Porn my dad's tools again. Not pay for his car & get them to pay for it while it's impounded. His car just got impounded so that's another car gone. 35 yrs old & just hasn't changed since he was 17. He has NO respect for anyone.