I'm sorry this is so long winded.
My ex and I were together for over 6 years, and we split up over 2 years ago. We have 2 children together and I have an older child from a previous relationship. Our relationship was never really good aside from the first few months. Once the honeymoon period was over, it went from the occasional argument in the beginning to him coming home drunk more often than not, or him sitting outside drinking alone until he can't walk or barely talk, him threatening suicide, verbally abusing me if I didn't have sex with him, verbally abusing me if I fell asleep putting the kids to bed, calling me a filthy pig if the house wasn't spotless or the washing all done or if I forgot to get the kids to brush their teeth or whatever, him hurting our pets intentionally if he was angry with me, him depositing a small weekly amount into my bank to live on- enough to buy groceries, not enough for anything else so I would have to ask for more money and explain what I want it for- despite him earning well over $100k per year. Demanding to know where I was and who I was with, even if just grocery shopping. I was never perfect and did often get mad at him also, but never threateningly mad or intimidating and I'm sure I could have been a better girlfriend/wife/partner but he made it so very hard.
Fast forward to us splitting- it's always been a rocky road as he has tried hard to keep control of me and I've tried hard to gain my life back. He is continually picking on my parenting, randomly texting me demanding to know where the children are and who they are with and expressing his disapproval if the children have spent time with my family as he doesn't like them.
We are years down the track, he had the children 3 or so days a fortnight as agreed upon in mediation yet he still demands more time with them when I pick them up, which is not possible or in the children's best interest. He is still verbally abusing me and intimidating me in front of the children. I try my best not to respond to him as I know the children should not be subject to it but he knows how to get to me and how to get a reaction. I know he knows my children are my weak spot and I do not trust him. I see a counsellor and have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of our relationship. Years after our split, I still have an anxiety attack before pick ups and drop offs and I still regularly suffer nightmares featuring him or related to him.
I can't keep living my life like this. I do not know what I need to do. Do I seek further legal help and look at court appointed time, do I see the police, do I skip the country? What do I do? How do I stop this man from controlling me? I know that people will say 'just don't let it happen' but I honestly didn't realise the hold he had on me, I feel like his puppet. He pulls a string when he wants me to move, and unfortunately the string he uses is my children.
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3 Replies
Yes seek legal help. You can set up changeovers at the police station. You can get everything written into orders down to method of communication being email, number of calls he's allowed to make to his kids and the days and times, so you don't have to answer him any other time, you can even get a different number, and a small window for time for pickup and he has to be ready in that time, and also amount of notice needed to change plans, for example set it to two weeks, so no more asking at last minute the answer is always no and you have the set time and place you will pick them up with a witness to stop any interaction between you both.
Definitely seek legal advice.
Also speak to who ever did your mediation about re-mediating the agreement.
Get changeovers changed to a public location/contact centre/police station or organise someone else to do pick ups and drop offs.
You can also specify contact rules. My sisters ex is now only allowed to contact her through email. Another solution (that he doesn't even need to know about) is switching your phone number to a cheap phone. Give your friends etc a new phone number. Turn the cheap phone off and put it in the drawer. Only check the messages maximum once a day. Only respond to the messages that are actually relevant. Eg I'm going to be late/early for pick up drop off?
Get every single detail in the mediation agreement and have it written into court orders.
I skipped the country and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done! He was a physically and emotionally abusive drug addict.. even after everything had ended and he moved on I still wasn’t allowed to move on or he’d abuse them also.. so I packed myself and my daughter up with the help of child services and left the country he still abuses me atleast now I can block him 😉 good luck! It’s a shitty situation my biggest regret is not reporting every single little thing he did wrong so I’d do that!