This is a bit of a long story but the shirt version isthat my partner and I have been together for a few years and we are due to get married very shortly. I found out he is on gay dating sites and even met up with a guy (claims he freaked and nothing happened). We discussed it at length and it came out that he was interfered with as a child and he attributes his poor mental state and poor decision making. I am so furious at him for doing this to me but I also feel bad about what has happened to him.
Guess what I am asking is that if this is somewhat justified? (not sure that's the right wording). I am just at a loss.
Do we break up or try to work through it?
Cheating fiance
Cheating fiance
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
20 Replies
No no no. Sorry he might think its poor mental health or poor decision making skills, regardless you need to look at the facts and do not get married at this point.
i was you. Different poor decisions different sob story I ploughed through and ended up miserable and really damaged. Dont fall for it, excuses aside he did what he did hes no different than any other person that cheats before a wedding and you know how those marriages go.
And to add to that yes I would leave. Irwgret staying with mine. A broken confused person that doesnt know who they are and so doesntt know what to do with themselves and so does very hurtful things is not someone that makes a good partner. You can not save them. You can not change them and if theyve been like this their whole life chances are zero theyre going to just click and get some help and be fixed and be what you want. Its a promise that keeps you hanging on but it just doesnt happen. Theyre not who you thought and want, thats not a small, temporary problem.
Nope! He knew what he was doing is wrong and did it anyway.
This is one of those times where it's absolutely necessary to cancel/postpone the wedding.
He needs to go and sort his shit out before walking down the aisle otherwise you'll be that couple who is divorced within a few years.
Past trauma doesn't excuse poor behavior, it also doesn't mean he shouldn't be held accountable for his actions either.
You don't deserve that sort of treatment.
Sexual preference aside, cheating or intending to cheat is deplorable.
What ever you do DON'T marry him until this is soeted
Please get yourself a sexual health check too! I know he says nothing actually happened, but you can't and shouldn't trust that. Protect yourself!
A friend of mines fiancé pulled this stunt just before there wedding. She stubbornly went through with the wedding to save face. After the wedding she discovered her husband had a newborn child (he didn't tell her about) and then he left her after 2 years because he wasn't in love with her anymore 😮
Wow, farout that poor lady.... that would be heart breaking
What happened to him is for him to recover and move on from, not an excuse to treat you like this. The fact this was with a guy, he's either gay and in the closet or at the very least bi. Regardless of which it is, he is not marrying material as it stands.
My take on this is he is actually gay and trying to talk himself out of that reality. I would not be marrying him because you may find in a few years you would be broken up because he'll finally admit it one day.
Do not marry this man until he has worked through this!! He needs to know what he wants and possibly in need of counseling to help him....give him the space to do this...otherwise I think you'll have you heart broken!! Good luck..
I would postpone the wedding. Your partner sounds like he is confused about his sexuality and this is something that he needs to figure out before getting married. If this was me, i would always wonder if he was gay if I went ahead and married.
Whilst the abuse can trigger issues (I was abused from a young age) it still does not discount the dishonesty/cheating IMO. He needs to determine his sexual preference so you can both decide the best course of action.
Despite his past he is an adult and capable of making mature decisions. He is capable of choosing to be honorable and a gentleman. He is capable of showing others love and respect. His actions speak louder and clear that he is not honouring you, respecting you or loving you. He broke your trust. Do you want to be married to someone like this? You cannot change him, he has to want change and take it upon himself to make that change. Yes you love the person you thought he was, but he lied about who he really is. It is much cheaper financially and emotionally to have some breathing space now or even call the relationship off now than once you are married. You need to focus on you and your safety right now. If the pair of you were intimate, get a health check. If you proceed with the relationship, make him earn your trust back so he's not tempted to hurt you again. Always make sure you feel safe and respected, you deserve that at least. Always have a back up plan to get to safety and make sure he knows that one more wrong turn and you'll leave his sorry ass. Sorry for being blunt, I believe you deserve and can do better.
Firstly, what happened to him as a child is terrible and he needs to seek help so he can move on from this but it is in no way an excuse for cheating. I was interfered with as a child by the teenage son of a family friend, my mum and my mother in law were also molested as children by adult family members. None of us have ever cheated on our husbands. Honestly, it is something you never truly get over but with councilling you can move on. With me I was always sketchy around boys and men. I had no interest in dating as a teenager and young adult and was a virgin until I was well into my twenties. My now husband is the only man I ever felt comfortable with sexually and could trust 100%. Early on in our relationship I was very stand offish when it came to sex etc, I told him why and he was very understanding of this and never pressured me, he let me come around in my own time which is probably why we've ended up together and are now married as the few guys I did date before him weren't as understanding. I'd be more concerned about him looking on gay dating websites. There's nothing wrong with being gay but he is obviously confused about his sexuality, whether he is gay or bi. Do you really want to marry this man if he hasn't figured that out yet? What if in a few years time he figures out he is gay, it's only going to end in heartbreak for both of you. I'd be postponing the wedding until he figures out his sexuality if it were me. Good luck.
I have a gay friend and he hooks up with married so called straight guys at least once a week
Ok yes he's got a sob story - but do You have to buy into it, and feel sorry for him and let him get away with stuff that you normally wouldnt from a life partner?! As an adult, its up to HIM to deal with his baggage!! Be firm on that, otherwise it will be his crutch and YOUR burden for ever.
I feel for you. I've been with my partner for 14 yrs married for one yr and have just found out that he's been seeing men on the side the whole time!! He also had been raped as a child which I had no idea about until this whole thing came to light!!
It's no excuse for the cheating and betrayal. He needs professional help to deal with the sexual assault rape or molestation or whatever may have happened to him.
I would postpone the wedding and get sti checked. I guess I'm still living through this situation myself so I don't have any answers but I wanted you to know your not alone!! What ever decision you make needs to be made for your self not because you feel bad that he went through a traumatic experience as a child!!
Sending lots of love!!!
I want to add that if you want someone to talk to I'm happy to chat to you. I've found a counseling service that caters for partners of men who are bi sexual and for me it's helped to chat to them about it as they are knowledgeable in this particular area. Any way if you respond to this post we can work out a way to either email or chat via pm if you like.
RUN for the boarder NOW. Especially if you are thinking of bringing children into this world. If he was in love / loved you he would not be doing this. He's lied. Do you want to marry a lying, cheating, gay / bi man with no integrity is the question. You are obviously 'empathetic' which also leads me to tell you that the facts are, predators / individuals with personality disorders (sometimes due to childhood trauma) target forgiving, kind hearted, loving individuals. The DV councillor told me that. SHE SAID SHE SEES WOMAN LIKE THIS 9 OUT OF 10 TIMES. PLEASE RUN NOW! don't look back, no matter how much begging (they all do that) and manipulating and pulling on your heart strings. Put yourself first and find a good man with morals and integrity.
RUN for the boarder NOW. Especially if you are thinking of bringing children into this world. If he was in love / loved you he would not be doing this. He's lied. Do you want to marry a lying, cheating, gay / bi man with no integrity is the question. You are obviously 'empathetic' which also leads me to tell you that the facts are, predators / individuals with personality disorders (sometimes due to childhood trauma) target forgiving, kind hearted, loving individuals. The DV councillor told me that. SHE SAID SHE SEES WOMAN LIKE THIS 9 OUT OF 10 TIMES. PLEASE RUN NOW! don't look back, no matter how much begging (they all do that) and manipulating and pulling on your heart strings. Put yourself first and find a good man with morals and integrity.
Run !! Whilst you still can no marriage no kids. Find someone else who is 100% straight! ..Run run run