I need help/advice!
My eldest son is 13 and Y7. He has a phone (that is flat more often that not), doesn't have an iPad, play gaming consoles, etc... at my house. Not because I won't get them for him, he hasn't asked for them. (Strange I KNOW!)
I have 50/50 share with his dad. He has these devices at his dads. My question is.... how can I discipline him? Spoken to his father and the only thing that works is banning his devices. But at my house he doesn't "care" what I do. I send him to bed at 7... and he just goes with no issues. I've caught him lying to me and his school report was pretty bad, but I have nothing to use as leverage.
He is generally a good kid, but I'm just worried as he gets older that I will loose all control and won't be able to discipline at all!!
I hope this all makes sense and sorry for the long post! TIA!
How to discipline my 13yr old.
How to discipline my 13yr old.
Posted in:
Behaviour, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
6 Replies
Doesn't sound like you need to discipline him! He's a good kid. It sounds like he listens to you and you have a good relationship. He cares what you think!
He doesn't care what dad thinks so dad has to take things away.
Discipline is about teaching kids right from wrong and about acceptable behavior. You shouldn't resort to leverage in order to discipline.
Discipline and punishment are 2 different things.
If his school report is ordinary, I don't think punishment is the appropriate action. You need to look into why, what's causing him to act out. Is he getting enough support? Is he struggling with the workload? Is he having social issues?
Focus less on discipline and punishment and focus more on what's causing the undesirable behavior.
Some kids just don't enjoy school and it isn't something to punish.
It doesn't sound like there's anything to discipline for, what has he done actually wrong? Is he lying to you because he doesn't feel close enough to you? Work on that first and foremost and get him trusting you enough :)
If he is a good kid, you don't need leverage! If his school report was bad, talk to him, find out if he is having any problems. I don't have leverage with my kid either and have never wanted or needed it. When he is a teenager and he mucks up, you ground them usually. Stop worrying about what ifs in the future, it sounds like you are doing fantastic. All kids lie, just pick him up on it and deal with it as it happens, it sounds like he has respect for what you say I.e. Go to bed at 7.
No not all kids lie. It's the conditioning from early years that creates it, plus mine are on the spectrum, so it's always the cold hard truth from them 😂😊
We spend a lot of time together as family. We travelled Aus in a tent, so we're used to closeness!
Financially I struggle, but my pay off is being here for my kids. I like my kids (most of the time) we do stuff together, we laugh heaps, humour has always been my go to when things get tense.
Start the conversation with your son, show him you are here for him, and really be present, actively listening, no matter what he says, acknowledge it, don't try to fix it, and once you change the way you relate to each other, there will be trust and respect flowing both ways, then you can ask him what he needs from you, or what his consequences should be. So here's an example, kid x used all his phone credit playing games when it should be kept for emergency phone calls. You ask kid x what the consequences should be... Yep that's right kid x, you are paying the next $20 phone credit out of your own money. Or kid x might offer to 'work' off the $20, wash the car, mow the lawn, do the laundry...
I've found this to be a respectful way to raise teens/kids. I have a 21yo girl, 2 boys 18 & 14. I just think of them as real people, and question how I would speak to and treat adults in my life.
It means not constantly nagging, it eliminates punishment per se instead, using natural consequences, and the kid has ownership and control over it. Kids need to have a certain level of choice and control in their lives, how else are they meant to develop into well rounded independent adults....