I feel like I've lost my husband. Married nearly 3 years, together 10years and 2 kids under 3.
Since I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for past three years, our sex life has taken a hit. To begin with I suggested hubby watching porn; it gave me a break and kept him happy. We have always had some issues (money, his mummy issues, house work - normal stuff).
However in the last year he has become so addicated to it and I feel like it has completely changed the way he views sex and his life really.
In the past month in particular he is someone completely different; he has joined groups, messages people, joined sites; he even hit on his best mates wife (always been so against cheating as his mum cheated on his dad). He will sit outside while I deal with the kids, then go to bed to watch porn - sometimes staying up until 3am watching it, he doesn't seem interested in me or the kids like he was before. When we talk he basically says sex life needs to improve or he is gone (I would say we average once a week but he expects pornstar movie long sex each time; a quickie before the kids wake up is never good enough).
I'm torn between walking away from his lying ass and supporting him through whatever this is. I'm concerned for him and I don't even feel like I know who he is at the moment but he won't admit there is an issue and won't go get help (seeking help is for the weak *insert eye roll*).
How can I show him he has changed for the worse? Am I stupid for thinking this is just a phase? Am i wasting my time thinking he is better then this? How can I support him when he has hurt me so much this last month? Is porn addication a thing, how do you stop it? Maybe this is the real him and I'm just seeing it now, does once a cheater always a cheater apply in every situation?
Thanks
Lost my husband to porn
Lost my husband to porn
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Men's Business, Relationships, Behaviour
4 Replies
To answer your questions -
I do believe once a cheater always a cheater UNLESS under a circumstance where they feel extremely remorseful about their actions (which doesn't happen a lot).
I was going to suggest watching porn with him. Finding out what it actually is that he watches porn wise and trying to spice things up. Maybe ask him if he wants to online shop for some sex toys that you can buy together and look forward to getting. But then you also mentioned you average sex once a week and that to me, personally feels like enough (we have sex maybe twice a month) BUT those times we do have sex, are very steamy sex sessions sooooo I feel like you can compromise here somehow... either go more often, or make the sessions SO amazing that he can last the whole week.
I obviously don't know the whole story and you've probably tried these things but I think you both need to be willing to compromise and you both need to give a little more to each other, and if you start by giving a little or making a bit more effort, maybe he will be willing to cut down the porn obsession... maybe not but just my thoughts
I love long sex sessions. They just can't be that way everytime. It's just not possible. It's not fun when it's long everytime. Sometimes a quickie is fantastic.
It sounds like there is a real mismatch in expectations, what is possible.
It also sounds like his moral compass is WAY off. Who hits on there mates wife? Poor form, even if you are single.
I think this becomes one of those circular problems. He doesn't help with kids, housework etc then complains wife doesn't have energy for the sex life he expects, but won't help out with the kids, housework etc because he doesn't get sex on tap.
Honestly he sounds like a jerk. At the very least, no matter how bad your relationship is, he should be wanting to spend time with the kids. He is not. I don't think he really wants to be a family, I think he wants to be a couple (before kids).
I think unless he is prepared to go to marriage counselling or at the very least get engaged with family life, this is doomed.
I just wrote a HUGE porn us it OK or not question. Short answer, yes pornograpy addiction is a thing. and sorry, but you suggested he use it. I'd not offer my partner ice to get him off my back. Its the way you view pornograpy, as a substitute for you (as you told him to use it while u were busy) porn is easy. It gets your rocks off with no need to satisfy another partner or be emotionally involved in any way. Its progressive, more and more hardcore. Its garunteed outcome without investment. Its bye bye relationship.
Yes porn addiction is a thing, yes he has an addiction and yes it can get worse to the point of porn induced impertence where he cant get or hold an erection without having the porn. This is what happened to my husband. And until i put .y foot down and said i cant do this anymore. Was when he agreed to get help for both of us. We went to marriage couseling and he finally understood how much it hurt and how badly it effects him. In thr end he went cold turkey with the porn and mastubation and our sex life is better than ever. So yes you can recover and yes it can get better but you both have to be willing to work on it.