Sensitive subject reguarding child rape

Anonymous

Sensitive subject reguarding child rape

So i need help, someone to talk toor get advice from anonymously. i don't know what to do . its a very sensitive subject and was wondering if maybe you could help .. i recieved a call from the jirt (joint investigations responce team ) concerning my son . it was a huge shock to my system and I'm not allowed to talk to him about it. You see an older much bigger boy from my neighborhood has come forward to his minister or whatever they are called (as a result of being told he must confess all his sins or go to hell by his devout Catholic parents) who has in turn reported it to police or whoever and then ive been contacted and have to take my son into be interviewed, have testing the works . I'm not allowed to talk to him about it at all or be in the room with him during the process . he hasn't told me or anything but now ive been told im wondering how i didnt notice the signs his behavioural changes and such , am i really that bad at this whole mum thing that i couldn't connect the dots . you see this older boy confessed to the sickening crime of the rape of my son. I'm so angry and hurt for my boy i dont know what to do ive been told to pretend i dont know but how is that possible . So many things running threw my head but most of all how do i help my 13 yr old son without letting on i know

Posted in:  Mental Health, Men's Business, Parenthood Guilt

13 Replies

Anonymous

Oh I'm so so sorry. You are not a bad mum at all. It would not occur to the vast majority of the very best parents in the world that there son was raped. It's just not where most minds go!!! Especially when around the age of puberty lots of behavioural changes occur.

I think the best way to help your son, is to help yourself. So you need to speak to your GP and get yourself a mental health care plan. You need a safe space where you can vent, discuss strategies and grieve.

If you need to speak to someone urgently you could ring lifeline while your son isn't around.

It might also help you to speak to an organisation like bravehearts.

I'm so very sorry.

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Anonymous

First of all I'm so very sorry you and your son are going through this! Second of all, no you are not bad at parenting or a bad parent at all. 13 is such a touchy age for young boys so you expect that they will be going through behavioural changes normally.
I think the best thing you can do for now is go see someone professional to talk to, vent to, cry to and to get advice on how to deal with this by yourself but also how to help your son through it when you are aloud to discuss it with him.
The fact that your seeking advice and are concerned for your son proves you are good mum! Sending love your way

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Emma Gerbes

I'm not sure why you have been told to pretend you don't know? Not to talk details due to criminal proceedings I'd understand. I showed no signs, as a parent accept that. Be STRONG for your boy. He will need to know that mum supports his journey

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Anonymous

Just until her son gives his statement. I'm presuming her son doesn't know his rapist has come forward so is unaware of the current investigation. It sux and is really hard but hopefully will pay off

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Anonymous

I would contact Jirt back again and talk to them about how you are feeling and understand better what is expected of you. And when it is ok to talk to your son because he is going to need to know you are there to support him through this . My
Guess will be that once he's interviewed officiaially then it will
Be ok !
Brace hearts is a great foundation to call and speak to as well .
Go to counseling for yourself !!!! You are not a bad Mum
And it is OK to grieve this !! This is huge for both of you !
The best thing for you son once you can talk about it with him
Is
Not to press his me for details . Tell
Him
You are there to listen if he wants to talk or will
Take him to a counselor etc and he doesn't have to say anything to you but just know you are there and you are grieving with him ! And if he wants to talk let him if he doesn't
Then let him do that too . Most of all give him options - if there is a way to
Make sure he doesn't have to have contact with this other kid again then
Make sure that happens whether it's moving schools for annonimoy or staying with his friends if he wants let that be his choice !?
Big love to you mummy xox so sorry this has happened to
Him and you

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Anonymous

Please please follow the polices instructions. It is so important for the criminal case that they can't say that his testimony is tampered.

The best way to help your son right now is to make sure he can get justice. Once they interview him you can look into counseling for him and you.

Bare in mind that 13 year olds might fight the Counseling idea - don't force him. He needs to feel like he has some control of his life and surroundings as control has been ripped away from him with this act.

You may also want to get some counseling for yourself and other family members - this will effect you all to some extent.

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Anonymous

Given the fact your son is a minor I would not be letting him go to any interviews alone. I would speak to a lawyer (first consult free) and see what their advice is.
You are not a bad mum. This just proves that you are a great mum who has raised a very strong resilient young man. So sorry for what has happened and for what you are going through. Please get as much advice as possible xx

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Anonymous

I am currently going through this with my 14 year old daughter...
I've just replied anonymously if you'd like to read it as it explains a bit of the process.
But they HAVE to be interviewed without their parents in the room.
You can be at the police station but not in the room.
It's for legal reasons later on of it makes it to trial.
It's hard as a parent not to go on with them but that's how it works...
The boy can refuse to be interviewed though. But if he does that it makes it very hard to move forward with the case...
It's a horrible process. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
But the jirt team and the detectives are wonderful people and help you every step of the way 💜

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Anonymous

Firstly...you can NOT blame yourself!
I am currently going through something similar.
Although my daughter finally told me ( I have asked her for at least the last 8 years had anyone ever touched her as I just had a feeling as some of my siblings had it happen when they were younger and that is the ONLY reason I saw the signs) she's nearly 14 and always said no because 1 she was too scared and 2 she was too embarrassed.
Unfortunately my daughter was abused by a family member.
She has been interviewed and the detectives are in the process of trying to build a case before bringing the person in for questioning.
Hence why I'm replying anonymously because the person doesn't know my daughter has told yet so can't risk blowing the case before it's started.
As I said I've been through it with my siblings so unfortunately know how the process works which makes me even more sad for my daughter as I know what she's going to go through..
They tell you not to talk to them about it because if it makes it to trial their side can argue you put things in their head and it didn't really happen you just made them say it did...
They have to be interviewed alone because at some point you'll be called as a witness so you can't know what he's told the detectives.
It is hard as a parent not to blame ourselves. We question so much and ask what if BUT we can't change what's happened to our children.
BUT we can help them from here on out.
Personally I'd sit your son down and tell him you know. ( I know they've said not to but I've explained why )
You can tell him that he does have to tell you anything about it. But you want him to know you know and are there for him whenever he needs you.
Even if it's just to sit in silence.
Get him into counseling ASAP!
Explain he doesn't have to talk to them about what's happened but the helps there.
Don't let him be blind sighted with them just showing up and bringing it up with him. That will be more damaging in my personal experience.
Contact jirt and tell them you're going to be speaking to your son.
That you're not asking for permission but letting them know.
I haven't spoken to my daughter about it a lot. I don't know what was said in her interview although they've offered to tell me and I declined at the moment.
But she knows no matter what if she needs me she can come to me any time with anything I don't care what it is.
Your son needs to know you know and that it's out in the open now.
It will help him start the healing process.
I am not going to lie...
I know there are years ahead for my daughter and it's a hard road.
Mentally this will test you.
You don't have to be strong all the time. But breakdown in private. Never let your son see your pain.
He is carrying enough guilt as it is.
Together you will both come out of this stronger.
As I said unfortunately I've had to reply anonymously for legal reasons but feel free to reply and ask me anything.
Huge hugs to you and your son 💜

* also make sure you get yourself some counseling. You'll need it xx

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Anonymous

Hugs to you. Two things came to mind -
1st - seek professional help to support you both through this. a phone call to somewhere like bravehearts could be a good start.
2nd - not giving excuses to what was done and i dont know what details you know, but please be mindful that this event may have included some sexual exploration on both parts. please be ready not just to support your son through the rape, but also to possible sexual identity issues. with the other boys strict religious background it wouldnt be surprising if such a hateful negative experience came from homosexual feelings. just a possibility, please let your boy know you love and accept no matter what!

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Anonymous

You are not a bad mum!!!! If you were you wouldn't have posted this. I would be asking them whether you can arrange counselling for him. He is going to need support from somewhere and if it can't be you it needs to be someone. X

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Anonymous

I am so so sorry this has happened to your son and to your family!! You are not a bad mum!! Just writting this and asking for advice shows you care so much for your son and I can see how deeply you care for and are concerned for him. That is the sign of an awesome mum!! Keep being the amazing mum you are xx

As others have said contact Bravehearts for advice or support.

Just be there for your son, available for love and support for when he is ready. Lots of hugs for both of you.

I wish you and your family all the best at this difficult time!! Big hugs to you mumma!! You've got this!! xx

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Anonymous

From a blokes view, you really got to keep this one quiet. If he finds out you know, it could distress him really bad and he will feel your pain too! Teenage boys are very protective and sensitive to their mums well being. He was not old enough yet to understand the gravity of the act. He will feel guilty about your distress.
You don't know but you are really special to him and if you are hurt, he will be hurt. Be positive and happy in front of him.
The best way to deal with this is to contact his mates as they will see changes in his moods. Boys turn other male models for help. From now to 17, their bodies change and the hormones kick in. Everything was a game up to now.
Its the kind of thing where at the time he would have seen it as game because he didn't see the side we see,but as he starts to explore his own sexuality he might start to see it for what is was.
Puberty will be kicking in soon and the emotional games begin. My best advice is to love him, keep advocating that you have full confidence in him and his decisions, and keep things positive.
What really hurts boys is not the act but the lack of being able to control the situation.
I was mollested as a teenager but never thought too much about it as I stopped it and dealt with the situation.
I know of a teenage boy raped at 15 and no word was ever spoken of it. He is 25 now and has no side affects.
If he is keen to do martial arts, encourage him because it will do wonders for his self confidence.
Teenage boys require self confidence, not upset mums. You are his rock!
Good Luck!

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