Hi guys.
I'm needing some advice here. I guess I've come to a fork in the road and not sure which way to go.
Married ten years, two gorgeous children. Hubby is a terrific dad. Works hard and is kind and gentle. Helps around the house. Helps with the kids (I work four days per week). He's perfect in every way but one.
He doesn't want to touch me.
We haven't had sex in three years, not since the birth of our last child. Prior to that, sex was every now and then. He was never into it. I was his first girlfriend (I'd been in a long term relationship before him) and his friends tell me he was always very awkward around women.
From the very beginning, there were never any kisses or cuddles. There's no affection. He has always slept on the far edge of the bed because he can't stand our limbs touching. There's no holding hands, no casual contact whatsoever. When I bring up the lack of physical affection, I get "Well, that's what I was like before you married me." So I let it go.
I used to try so hard. Nice dinners, nights away. Compliments, making sure I kissed him goodbye before leaving for work. Snuggling next to him on the sofa, only to have him move away and maintain his distance.
In all honesty, I don't bother trying anymore. He's not interested. We're a sexless partnership. We might as well be roommates. He's happy to live like this but I can't function like this anymore. I don't want my boys growing up thinking that this is normal.
Hubby was diagnosed with ADHD last year (undiagnosed since childhood) . He also sees a range of health care professionals regularly for this and a severe social anxiety. I'm wondering if these are linked with the issues I've mentioned above.
I don't really know where to go from here. He has a lot of stress in his life and I don't want to add to them for what may be petty reasons. Having said that, hugging my pillows in bed at night can only get me so far. I'm really lonely.
Any suggestions would be much appreciated, especially from those in the same situation.
12 Replies
Sorry you are going through this. He is very correct in a way. You are not going to change this part of him. This is, who he is. It's as much a part of him as wether he is left or right handed.
Sex drive and affection are not related to ADHD and although I experience of a drop of sex drive sometimes when I'm anxious it's a small drop, not a total end. As your hubby has said, this is who he is and he has absolutely no interest in changing it, even if he could.
Its probably accurate that your husband is a-sexual or pretty close to. That is who he is.
Someone will probably jump in asking if he has Aspergers because people assume people with Aspergers are disinterested in affection. It's important to say not ALL people with Aspergers don't show affection, in fact they can be extreneky affectionate and have high sex drives.
What you do from here is up to you. But you need to accept, once and for all that he is not going to change it because he has no interest in doing so.
The way I see this, you have a few options:
- leave and hope to find something better;
- open your marriage (with his permisssion, of course, would probably need to set a lot of ground rules etc) and find someone on the side to satisfy your physical needs;
- keep going the way you're going
No point trying to change him, he's not going to change. He's been pretty clear about that. It's the way he is and is happy to be. Change can only happen when both parties want it.
He very well could be a-sexual
It really comes down to what you want. Your happiness comes first and I know you are worried about your kids seeing "normal" behavior I think showing them how to be happy in life is best.
This was me and the damage to my self esteem is irreversible.
Especially as he left me for a younger woman and found a sex drive
I'm wondering if he is autistic?
I am autistic, I know loads of autistic people. We love sex!!!! We can also be very affectionate.
And there's loads of autistic people who don't love sex, or physical contact, or touching anything 'icky'
Can I say my husband is exactly like this. Has never had affection, during sex before kids he would always want me wearing heels and standing up bending over whilst he watched and he would have sex usually from behind or he would look above me to the wall with his head no where hear mine. My eldest child was diagnosed with autism and since that we have discovered my husband also has autism. I know this is why he is like this. Doesn't help me but I don't see it changing. Maybe he also has autism? Or it's the ADHD
Sounds like he may be on the autism spectrum. Have you read up on Asperger's syndrome? I'd explore that, get all the info you can, for both of you to gain a better understanding, then get some intensive couples therapy. There's also support groups for partners of 'aspies', most are the wives/girlfriends of an aspy guy.
Tony Attwood (based in Brisbane) is an international expert on aspergers/autism.
I actually thought this was my life. Hubby with ADHD, no sex in 4 years. We are currently attending marriage counselling AGAIN for a 3rd time. He is now addressing his porn addiction too. I would have well and truely left if it wasn't for the kids. I'm broken because of this and I'm starting to heal myself now, with or without him - his choice.
Is it possible he could be gay? Sounds like an all over good guy, but this one issue. If he is gay, I think you'd find you would be both happier co parenting the kids and finding a life that is what you both want.
Hey everybody, it's the OP here. Just wanted to thank everyone for their constructive advice and beautiful words. It means a lot.
I've booked myself into a GP, and I'm wanting a referral to go and see some one - to 'nut' this out, so to speak.
He's on Ritalin and anti-anxiety medication. No sexual abuse in his childhood. I can guarantee that. Amazing family.
Aspergers is also in the family. His nephew has it (brother's son) and I've suspected this diagnosis due to the severe social awkwardness, as well as the inability to touch.
He's a fascinating case study around different people. With me he's so comfortable and laid back... around other people, he's awkward, says strange things, has funny little social habits (won't drink coffee with clients, worried he's going to choke).
He's averaged 9 jobs in ten years. Hard worker, but because things don't fit into the realm of what he thinks is 'normal' and 'common sense', he gets frustrated and leaves. This has effected our family's stability greatly due to an increase in his anxiety, constant trading of cars (moving from leases to company cars and then having to switch back again). Keep getting stuck with the finance.
Really don't know. I'm a patient person but it's getting me down. I know I'm his 'comfort zone'. I know he sees me as his rock, as I'm really easy going and pretty happy-go-lucky. I think I need to look into meds for myself though because I'm starting to feel quite drained.
But thanks again for listening. Really appreciate everyone commenting here and in the FB page :-)