Warning...massive rant.
Is there a universal handbook that says that people need to say "enjoy these times, you'll look back and miss them" to sleep deprived parents? I swear I have heard this statement numerous times from parents of older or adult children.
You know what? No I am not enjoying these weeks/months and I WON'T look back and miss them. It is because of this period that I AM NOT having anymore children!! I am incredibly grateful for my gorgeous children and wouldn't change them for the world but I absolutely hate the newborn stage!
My kids (between them) have had colic, silent reflux and really bad wind. I hate the first 3/4 months and love the rest of it. I would choose to endure the terrible twos, a grumpy threenager, the little f$&@ers fours etc than the first 3/4 months x 100.
I am exhausted and have a baby who is waking up 6 times a night consistently. Over a 12 hour period that leaves limited time to sleep. Each wake up includes a half hour feed/change and then holding sitting up and winding for half hour (on a good night). Even despite this bubs is still windy and does mini vomits in sleep. And god forbid the baby needs to be rocked to sleep or doesn't settle well... that will add extra time too. We have unfortunately created sleep associations due to silent reflux and bad wind but baby wouldn't sleep otherwise. So on a good night with 6 wake ups that's 6 hours feeding, winding etc and say 15 mins each time to fall asleep after each wake up this leaves 4.5 hours where I could potentially sleep on a GOOD night. I have had 2 lots of 4 continuous hours sleep over 12 weeks (they were heaven!!). I am exhausted! I would kill to be woken up 3x a night compared with my normal 5 or 6 times (though tonight might be 7).
We have booked into a mums/bubs unit for help with the bubs sleep but there is a waiting period. I don't know how I'll get through the next few weeks without going insane...but I will do it, I've done it before and survived... barely.
So please never say those words or minimise another sleep deprived parent's concerns. We know it will get better in the longer term but when you are struggling to get through one day and string a coherent sentence together, it doesn't help. Perhaps just say "you poor thing. I remember those days...(insert story of sleep deprived days or if you didn't have any or can't remember them just make up something)!
Thanks for listening to my rant...now to start the day on 3 hours of sleep!!
17 Replies
I totally get this and I HATE it when people say this too! My youngest was a TERRIBLE sleeper and I had other kids to look after as well so I couldn't "sleep when the baby sleeps". I was so sleep deprived I used to hallucinate and was even hospitalised! It is NOT a moment I miss and it is NOT something I enjoyed. Parenting isn't all sunshine and roses, there are shitty parts too.
I hear ya! This was the very reason I only had one child. And even now my son is nearly 14 I have no regret about not having another.
How dare you not love every single aspect of parenting, didn't you know you're supposed to wake up after 45 minutes of sleep in the morning and exclaim how 'blessed' you are!
I am totally joking by the way lol.
I don't miss the sleep deprived stage, I don't miss the screaming tantrum stage & I sure as hell am not going miss the 7 going on 17 stage! I don't look back on these phases with fond nostalgia, I look back and think 'thank fuck I don't have to go through that again'.
I do think people mean well when they say these things, it just comes across wrong sometimes!
I've never missed the new born years.
I miss it. I have 2 children who I don't see anymore because of their father and 2 teenagers who I do get to see every day, but hate me because of the same man. I have been where you are now and I would have it all back in a heartbeat. I never take things for granted, it's so strange it's the things that annoyed me most that I miss now. Be grateful for what you have.
It's not about being ungrateful it's about a lack of empathy. Just like people struggling with a difficult child are told to enjoy it because there are people who can't have children. Not being able to have children is awful, I wouldn't be able to imagine it, but minimising someone else's perspective because of your own personal experience is not cool.
It's not right to say to you to be grateful for your time away from your kids so what right do you have to say to someone struggling that they need to be grateful to be jab situation where they are struggling?
It's all normal baby stuff though, I see no struggle it's reality and part of having kids. I had 4 of them. Yes it's tough and yes I whinged about no sleep but I didn't get angry when people said I will miss it one day. Turned out they were right.
Sorry to hear you are going through that but if you have ever been to the point where you are so sleep deprived you cannot function as a human and need to be hospitalised I'm sure you wouldn't sit back and say "I miss that" nor would you "take it back", no way.
I've been hospitalised with psychosis and I also miss the baby time. They are so little and innocent, I think when you are in the midst of it, you don't see it because you are knee deep in it, but later you miss it, it's so strange how nature works. Maybe natures makes you forget how hard it is and remember the good, so people have more than one. You always see mums with 4 plus kids and they seem to enjoy it more, I think they are more relaxed and understand it will pass.
My oldest is 8. I don't miss it. Not everyone has to miss everything about parenting.
My husband said this to me not too long ago. Lets just say if looks could kill you would never find the body. Alright for him he works away. In all honesty i cant wait till the youngest is at school.
I find comments about enjoying this phase insulting to all the other ages of phases children are.
I mean is a 7 year old lesser than a newborn? Is my delightful 23 year old lesser and not worth enjoying because he is an adult?
Personally I find it odd people focus so hard on the baby years. I think the teen years are by far the most important to be emotionally and physically available for. I mean let's face it, that's when the shit can really hit the fan and go off the rails.
Yes good point, didn't think of it that way.
Yes agree I hate it, its the same as telling a teenager to enjoy living in someone elses house under their rules. You just cant appreciate it while youre there. Sure we'll turn around when we're old and remember our time with our little babies as super special (and rose-tinted) but when they say enjoy it - you are. All those photos we take, cuddles we have, things that makes us laugh, records we keep, thats it, it doesn't have to be 24/7.
I'm going to be an odd one.. I miss the newborn/baby stage my daughter was HORRIBLE!!! I can literally understand how some mothers kill there babies (I didn't harm my child) I can sympathize with them I literally slept 20mins a night for the first 7weeks.. My daughter was sick and needed to have surgery at 7weeks (we didn't know until 7weeks) I hated her! But... I'm pregnant again and would be happy to do it all again (the exact same way if so it happened) tho I did have an amazing support net work I could call people at 2, 3, 4am and they would talk to me help me through the night.. The most memorable comments made to me during that time was.. "If she is crying she is alive, walk away and calm down"
In saying that I'm not trying to say that what you feel is wrong and that you should miss that stage just saying that people say it to you because they generally miss the stage.
Good luck and I hope you get through ok hun xx
I agree. Just because I don't miss the newborn stage doesn't mean I get to tell other people they aren't allowed to enjoy it. Vice versa too!
In all, I think people just need to be more sympathetic and make helpful comments when a mum says she's struggling.
I have a newborn, I'm sleep deprived, but the "enjoy it, it goes so fast," actually helps me to see the best in all the moments with him...it reminds me to take a moment each day and truly be present, because they're right...it DOES go fast & I will miss looking at my squishy little newborn in my arms one day.