My reply, to all the replies.
"My dad had an affair"
I'm truly shocked by the responses. I stopped reading.
But for those that said it was nothing to do with me..
It effected my life. It has everything to do with me. From constantly moving to get away, not just suburbs but countries as a kid to get away from it. For my mum to find peace. To listening to my parents constantly argue but never knowing why. To always, as a kid feel like your walking on egg shells in the home, to never feel safe.. because of the constant fights.
I have to clarify, it was not just a single affair, it was several. Not that it matters. But I feel as though, it has taught us as daughters how to allow yourself to be treated as woman and as wives and it has taught brothers as sons that it's acceptable to behave in that manner.
To those that said it sounded as though I was angry at my mum. I am. But perhaps not for the reasons you think.
I'm angry because she's amazing, and she deserves so so so much more. She deserves to be happy. Which she is not, and admits. She believes she could not do it on her own.
I'm angry because she can not see the great that we as her children see in her.
But I'm also angry at now.. as we move forwards I mentioned "she's a wife before a mother" she always was, and she is even more so to this day. She lives only on his schedule. She is treated with a lack of respect by him. She is, controlled by him.
She lives her life on egg shells.
As a woman myself that has left an emotionally abusive partner.
It is breaks my heart as an adult to watch this in my own parents.
So, despite it being their marriage. It effects other people.
If you, had an affair or if your husband had an affair you'd be naive to think that, that will not effect your children!!
6 Replies
I didnt read your previous post or any responses. But, my parents have been married for 35 years. My dad has had 3 affairs in that time. There are 5 children in our family. Im the oldest. My mum is the strongest woman I know but also the weakest, if that makes any sense. When it comes to my Dad, she puts up with everything and I mean everything! She doesn't believe in divorce and will stay with my dad no matter what he does. Many times, when my siblings and I were young, I had to comfort them, get them away from the fighting, hide in the room with them till it stopped or neighbours called the cops. My dad even took a knife to my younger brother as a threat to my mother. I stood in between my parents and my little brother and said "Kill me, if anyone"... After that day, things quietened down alot.
Dad moved out for a little bit but came back. Life went back to normal (whatever that was) and I actually grew to resent both my parents. I thought "Eff them, always at it, and Im usually the one helping with everything afterwards" - my crying, upset, brokenhearted mother, and me looking after my siblings etc..My parents are still married and still together today and all us kids are grown and out of the house with families of our own. My parents are still the same but worse. Arguing, no communication, no respect and Dad still messes around on Mum. They resent each other and live under the same roof, in different rooms and stay married for God knows why. They are miserable and although family get togethers (xmas eve dinner etc) are awesome with everyone, you can see that my parents don't like each other, they don't even talk! They are in their 60s now. I love both my parents but I learned that their shit, is not my shit. I just happened to be there through it. It affects you, only, if you let it, is what Im pretty much trying to say. You can not help anyone, that doesn't want your help. Let your mother be, support her if she asks, otherwise, it's honestly not your problem. You need to see that none of this happened because of you and just let it go.
Don't worry, I said "fuck social media and the assholes on Imperfect Mum" in my update/review/response to an anonymous post... It didn't get posted on Facebook because I said Fuck social media and the assholes on Imperfect Mum.
You're a better person after deciding NOT to read every single comment. I made the mistake of reading all of them.
Big hugs, we are human. We should be able to speak from the heart and not be punished for it. Xx
This hasn't been posted either..
I really couldn't believe the comments..
I remember your post.
I didn't comment because I had no experience to offer advice with.
I have, however, posted on IM and been absolutely shattered when reading the responses.
The problem is the reader is only getting so much info. You can't possibly put all the details into a simple post.
Even the extra info you've put in today would enlighten the reader more.
I've learned that you have to be very specific with your wording. You also have to be prepared for comments you won't like. It's inevitable. You need thick skin which is unfortunate because more often than not people writing in here are not thick skinned at all. They're in turmoil and reaching out! And then they get ripped to shreds?
Social media is an interesting thing.
Having said all that yes you do have a right to be angry about the situation however, your mum has made her choice. It's her life. You're stronger than her so you made a different choice. Don't love her any less because of it.
As for your dad... so my mum and I. It's like this. I love her but I don't like her.
I'm so sorry you've lived through all that pain in your life. It's not fair. I hope you make up for it and have masses of joy xx
I read your post and unfortunately I'm seeing both sides.
My mum sounds much like yours, except she has and always will be a mother before a wife.
She was constantly cheated on, supporting my father financially, fighting with him (mainly for him treating other peoples children better than us)...
But now, years and years later, we are close as hell with our mother. We REALLY dislike our father, he's an alcoholic, he's abusive when he is drunk and he rarely makes any effort for us or our children.
We invite him to things being NO alcohol, but that's so we don't put our mother in the middle.
I know my mother deserves and could get better, 100 times better. But at the end of the day, my mother loves this man, she lost her virginity to this man, he was the first and last person she fell in love with.
But I've come to the conclusion that as much as I don't like him, I hate how he treats and treated my mother, that it's her relationship, it is her choice to stay or leave, she knows all of us will support her either way, because thats what family does. It has and always will be me, my brothers and my mum against the world.
You don't have to stop disliking your father, but I do believe you need to let it go to a certain degree.
Why be angry at your mum when she is a victim too? She fell in love with a man that treats her poorly. Be there for her, support her and love her.
I am scarred because of what he did to her, I have major insecurities about people cheating and drinking, my partner knows this, we now have our second baby on the way.
But at the end of the day, I make my choices, I can choose to stay with a cheater, liar ect.. I make my own path, if someone were to try and dictate what I should and shouldn't do with my life, I'd be pissed. Let her live the way she wants, let her be in love with a piece of crap, you don't have to like it, but you aren't married to him. I say to hell with him, you're letting him win by driving a wedge between you and your mother and not loving her.
I commented on here, because I do have experience.
Yes I agree you have a right to be angry etc.
I'm not angry about one of my parents having an affair, I'm angry because as an adult I was told about it. I shouldn't know. Like you shouldn't know, like you shouldn't have had to grow up in a toxic family environment.
They invited you into adult business when you were a child and that's totally wrong!!!!
I think this is a perfect post that mums in toxic relationships need to read. The ones who say, but I love him or 'he is a great dad'. Or I don't want my kids to come from a 'broken home'.
This lady is the outcome of staying!