What does ok mean? does it mean that you are happy? Does it mean that you feel good about yourself?
Do you look in the mirror and say, you know what I’m ok?
When you are walking along and happen to see yourself in a reflection.. What do you see? Do you see a beautiful smile looking back at you? or do you see everything you need to change?
I recently looked in the mirror seen all sorts of horrible things about me. And this voice in my head LOUDLY said.
“You’re a pretty shit mum”
“You’re pretty shit at your job”
“What are you actually achieving with your life”
“You’re actually not good at much”
Tears streaming down my face. I had completely crucified myself. I didn’t need anyone else to I had done it to myself.
That then lead to the belief that it’s all true and everyone else must think the same. Even to the point that if someone gave me a compliment I would think they were lying or just “pissing in my pocket”
It also lead to paranoia where I would be doing the groceries and I would feel someone watching me trying to control my kids and I would hear that voice. “See they think you’re a shit mum too”
I knew I was heading down a slippery path. I knew that belief could completely take over my life .. It could consume me it could become a part of me. And that could lead to all sorts of problems.
It could kill any sort of dream I had/have.
So I decided to take myself off to the doc’s. I know I needed help. I knew that I just needed up bit of help to climb back up, before it over took me.
Stress and anxiety are my main problems. Anyone from the outside looking in would think everything was fine.. But it isn’t /wasn’t – When I spoke to the doc he said ” do you think you’re depressed”
“No of course not, I’m not a negative person” ’I'm an upbeat person”. “I’m not depressed” But depression does not always mean you are down as such it effects all people very differently.
So I came to the realisation that I was possibly depressed. – SHIT!
So here starts my journey of trying to climb out of the hole I’m currently in.. My friends may get a bit of a shock reading this… But for some reason I find it easier to tell the internet rather than telling them.. Insane right… Possibly!
The reason I find it so important to share this journey is because I know/feel there are many people that feel the same..
We close the door slide down the back of it and cry..
Crying is good yes? But crying alone is not!
As I said I will be sharing my journey. And please share yours. But please remember to contact a professional (like I did)
Just want to finish with, I will be ok, no need to worry, I will get there, I am a very strong person. I just need a little help. XXX
Here are some details.